I would respond to the next to the last comment that one cannot tell from the outside whether a couple is “happy” or not. If doing the right thing is stressful, did you expect something else? I used to wonder why Catholic families always had a crucifix above the bed in the parents bedroom. We can’t really expect worldly happiness. If some comes our way it is a blessing to be thankful for, but it isn’t our right or something we should expect to be the norm. It sounds as if you have the blessing of a family which accepts your family and number of children and which reinforces obeying the church. If despite this you contracept, you have less excuse than many. Can you really imagine facing God about this and having Him say to you, don’t worry about it, its fine with me, its just the church which is hung up on it? Really?

Thats what I want to say. I don’t think we should always just say things which are accepting. Yes, it can be tough. I have despaired at times and I have done wrong, and I have made excuses and said God wouldn’t want me to suffer and all that. But I only reaped long term joys from my obedience and long term suffering for myself and others from my disobediences.
Susan Peterson

Anonymous,

I could have written your entire post. I am now pregnant with number 6, and the last three were conceived using NFP to the bst of my ability, both CCL and CrM. I have also struggled with PPD.

I think we are also one of those families falling into financial distress. Well, maybe not falling, but never really been wealthy.We have had to make more efforts, my dh is going to school full time now, I have a small PT job…etc.

I think the only differecne is in the beginning, I really wanted a large family and loved nursing, APIng, being a Mommy, but by Number 4 I started with the PPD and started feeling physically and psycholigicaly burnt out. I was very sad when I found out about number 6 about a month ago and didn’t even tell anyone for a bit. Like maybe if I forgot about it, it would go away. But I know from experience that each child is someone in my life I could not bear to be without, so why focus on the negative?

Anywho, prior to getting pregnant this time (I was so sure I was going to get the NFP right), I even considered artificial birth control, because deep down inside, I knew eventually I would get the NFP wrong. I didn’t think on the first month…

I just can’t go to artificial birth control. Sometimes I wonder that if I love the Church’s teaching on contraception because I love the Church, or I love being Catholic because I wholeheartedly belive birth control is wrong, and being Catholic gives me an excuse to really embrace thet belief and get people off my back about it to a small extent.

If I started using abc, I would cease to be me. It is not about trying to “show the world” as you said that I am so right. (On the contrary, I find myself hiding from people because I feel like we are a freakshow at times with “soooo many kids”.) But like I said, I define myself by the things I hold important, and by my efforts to live those standards. I would feel I have turned my back on God and myself, and my husband if I resorted to abc.

I find this discussion very interesting because I, like most other Catholics I know, have struggled with NFP. I grew up thinking I would not even have children because I quite honestly don’t even like kids. However, when I found a wonderful Catholic man and fell in love, I started to rethink the notion. We were both faithful to the church teaching on chastity while dating and were both virgins on our wedding day. This was a HUGE blessing to us, as we have the rock-solid unifying knowledge that neither of us have ever been with anybody else sexually. What a huge gift! I only hope I can convey to my own children what a blessing this has been for us.

But I digress. Deep down, I think I honestly believed I would be one of the infertile women of the world (and I was MORE than ok with this notion!!) because I felt so ill-suited to motherhood, even though I absolutely adored my husband and loved being a married woman. Having both come from traditional Catholic families, the idea of contraception never even entered our minds. Still, I was in shock when I found out I was preganant 11 months into our marriage. We had tried NFP for the first couple months of marriage, but I quickly threw the stupid thermometer away when I realized that my temps were all over the place, and I was sick and tired of having to wake up every morning to take my temp at the same time. I was getting pretty tired, too, as I don’t fall back asleep easily. LOL!

So there I was pregnant, and I figured, “Ok, God, surely You know what a non-maternal person I am, so You simply are going to HAVE to instill some serious maternal instincts in me upon delivery of this child” I really thought that was going to happen, too. Imagine my dismay and shock when the baby was born, and I didn’t find myself feeling one iota more mother-like. Breastfeeding was miserable (I persevered, though, at least in part due to the breastfeeding fanatics who had me convinced my child would surely grow up needing therapy or at least would be in chronic poor health, if I didn’t), and I fell into a deep post-partum depression. AND I was pregnant again 6 months later (breastfeeding baby on the breast constantly not withstanding). After I had #2, I was pregnant again 6 months later, despite taking CCL classes and digging that stupid thermometer out of the garbage. Two miscarriages, then another two healthy pregnancies, despite taking Ovulation Method (Creighton Model) classes and working with an NFP instructor on a regular basis. Then another two miscarriages. Then another two healthy pregnancies. Somewhere along the way, I was diagnosed with a chronic illness and needed some heavy-duty meds (steroids, immune suppressants, etc—I honestly think the financial, emotional, and psychological stress of having so many kids so close together did a whammy on my physical health) and hospitalization. All along the way, we tried charting and periodic abstinence, but somehow ended up getting pregnant on a regular basis anyway. What would happen is that we would end up having to abstain for weeks at a time because of my constant fertility signs (I don’t know if I am just a total anomaly or what, but I have constant fertility signs and temps that bounce all over like a superball), then we would get desperate and just say the heck with it, and BAM, I was pregnant. It was very difficult. I did seek help with the postpartum depression, accepted the fact that not everybody likes being around kids (although I LOVE my own children and want the best for them, don’t get me wrong), and found a career I love which allows me to work opposite my husband so we never need childcare. It’s been a long, hard journey. We had six children (and lost 4 to miscarriage, which was a difficult journey emotionally and physically as well) in 10 years, and I still struggle on a daily basis with the fact that having so many children around me constantly frays my nerves and totally makes me cranky. I never even babysat as a teenager (except for my 3 younger siblings) because being around kids irritated me so badly!!! My girlfriends are all in amazement that I’ve had so many kids myself when I am so NOT maternal. Thankfully my husband is a kind, loving, and nurturing man who enjoys the presence of children. Let’s hope he can make up for my motherly insufficiences!! LOL I always tell him to forget saving for college, just save for their therapy sessions.

So where does that leave us now? Even in an anonymous response, I wouldn’t feel comfortable revealing anything so personal as our birth control decisions. We both come from very traditional Catholic families and have a circle of very staunch Catholic friends who would be in total shock and would probably ostracize us and totally lose respect for us should it ever become known that we made a decision other than NFP.

I will say that I think hormonal methods of birth control are anti-woman (I am quite a feminist in many ways) and have been basically forced on us women by a patriarchial society who somehow convinced us it’s good for us. I think it’s poison, myself. On the other hand, I can see that there ARE NO easy answers when it comes to the spacing of children.

We know a lot of couples who practice NFP (or don’t practice any method of birth control whatsoever), and I have to say that they are not any happier than the couples we know who DO practice artificial contraception. We know quite a few couples who have 6,7,8, or more kids who just keep getting further and further into financial distress, and one in particular is just about to crack psychologically yet is convinced she is being a good example to the rest of the world by continuing to gestate a new baby every 18 months or so. It’s pretty scary, actually. I find this puzzling, because the bible says we can know a tree by it’s fruit, yet so many of the couples/families I see having huge families are not any happier or more loving than families with 2 or 3 kids who have practiced contraception. This really surprises me.

Well, I have written a book here, and duty calls (i.e. mountains of laundry and housekeeping, plus 6 kids to get ready for school). I just thought I would add my observations as a person who has lived NFP and has been very open to life but is still on the fence about it all.

Steve G implies that I’m not going to heaven because I dissent with this teaching.

If this is what you took from my comments, I take full responsibility for poorly conveying what I intended, but THAT was definetely not what I intended.

I can only surmise that this comment…

We follow the rules so as to play it safe? We do the bare minimum to be sure we ‘sliiiide’ into heaven? Does that sound like the message Jesus Christ preached?

…was what made you feel that was what I was saying.

I was only trying to point out the respective attitudes that I felt were being displayed, and did a poor job of it at that. In no way was I attempting to judge either the state of your soul, or who is a better Christian.

I have very little doubt that in act and deed, I am a sinner indeed and would stack up very poorly agains most Christians. I would never claim to be a better Christian than anyone, espcially someone I don’t know other than from a few words on a computer screen.

I actually really respect the idea of obedience even when we don’t agree, and I respect that you have the integrity to say that you’d be obedient.

I apologize for implying otherwise.

I can see from the rest of your comment that there is some sort of serious disconnect or miscommunication going on (likely because of poor explanation on my part) so I think I’ll refrain from responding directly much further lest I dig myself into a deeper hole.

Jennifer–to answer your question about Vatican II, I was addressing the issue of orthodoxy for the sake of orthodoxy, not the teaching on contraception, which, you are right, carries a lot more weight than the details of the mass, etc.

I will post later on historical changes in moral teachings of the church in my blog.

It wasn’t, in fact, Gen-X, but Jen-X. It is a common misconception.

At my all girls high school we figured out in math class that 1 in 10 girls at the high school was named Jennifer.

Ersza,
There is a beautiful (recent) saint that embodies the choice of the baby’s life first, St. Gianna Beretta Molla. She past away in 1962 and was canonized in 2004. Her life is an amazing tribute to motherhood.