Dusting off the mirror
A couple weeks ago I read a post from a blogger who’s going through a difficult period in her faith. She feels completely alone, as if God has forgotten about her. She’s even started to think that God doesn’t even exist, thus rendering her life and everything else meaningless. She called this a “dark night of the soul”.
I call that a Tuesday.
Sometimes I think that those of us who came to faith from atheism have a unique perspective on periods of doubt since it’s our default position. For me, the feeling that life is ultimately meaningless and that there is no Higher Power is my starting point for each day. And the feeling often lasts all day, sometimes even weeks. I get lots of practice with this whole doubt thing.
But ever since that time a couple months ago when the DVT diagnosis and its problematic treatment shook my newfound faith, I’ve found great comfort in some words of wisdom from C.S. Lewis:
When you come to know God, the initiative lies on His side. If He does not show Himself, nothing you can do will enable you to find Him. And, in fact, He shows much more of Himself to some people than to others — not because He has favourites, but because it is impossible for Him to show Himself to a man whose whole mind and character are in the wrong condition. Just as sunlight, though it has no favourites, cannot be reflected in a dusty mirror as clearly as in a clean one.
Lately when I experience doubt I first ask myself if I have really dusted off my mirror (to use Lewis’ analogy). Am I really surprised that I don’t feel in touch with God when the closest thing I’ve said to a prayer in the past 24 hours was blurting out the Lord’s name when Robert Best got kicked off Project Runway? When I’ve spent all week focused on me, me, me — what annoys me, how I don’t feel like doing this or that, who’s pissed me off today, how totally inconvenient the line at the grocery store was? I often find that my mirror is not just dusty, it’s caked in soot.
It’s been striking to me how closely my doubts are intertwined with my sins: when I spend the day living as if my to-do list consisted only of the seven deadly sins is when I find I experience the most doubts. And, usually, as soon as I take a step back and try to live according to Christian teaching, following the Ten Commandments and whatnot, I find that my doubts dissipate. For example, when I go through the Herculean effort of forgiving someone who has slighted me it seems like the process itself lifts the fog from around me and allows me to feel the warm sunshine of God’s presence.
And on the unusual occasions when even that doesn’t help, I turn to God. I remind myself that I’m not involved in some cosmic game of hide-and-seek where God is constantly trying to escape me. If he exists, he wants me to know him. So I say a prayer asking for my faith to be strengthened.
I’ve found that this process has given me great peace in times of doubt. I make sure I’m living and thinking in a way that would make me open to seeing God if he tried to reveal himself to me (since, as I once realized, nothing would convince me if I’m not really open to it); and then I turn it over to God. The ball’s in his court. If he doesn’t exist then nothing will happen and…well, I have bigger things to worry about. But if he does exist then I’ll get help — it might not be immediate and it might not be a grand chorus of angels descending from the heavens, but I will receive that which I need. If he exists, he’ll help me. And, so far, he always has.
More on overpopulation
I’ve been looking into data about population growth ever since I posted my original question about Catholic teaching and overpopulation. This post at DarwinCatholic and the studies it links to offer some interesting insights that confirm what my gut told me: you can’t predict human population trends like you might be able to with other animals because the human psychological component makes it much more complicated. Check out the post, it’s an interesting read.
UPDATE: Here’s a collection of all the posts on this topic at DarwinCatholic. Great stuff.
Tidbits
I don’t have much time to write so I’ll just throw out some quick, random updates…
People of the Lie
- For whatever reason I think I’m just meant to read People of the Lie right now. It’s a long story, but I kept thinking about buying it, blowing it off, and then it would come up again. I finally ordered it for my husband and the day it arrived I saw this post on Dawn’s site. Weird. I picked it up just to glance through the introduction and ended up getting sucked in, so the Oxford History of the Crusades will have to wait.
- It was disturbing to recognize my old self in the patient Peck describes in the first chapter. In particular, I’d forgotten that I used to become gripped by a feeling of dread every night at sunset. But the obsessive-compulsive tendencies, depression, fixation on not thinking about death, etc. were all there as well. Somehow I eventually got over it (mostly) even without religion, but it was unsettling to think back on that period of my life. It was really bad. Really. Bad.
- One thing Peck mentions in passing is that people who suffer from chronic pain tend to regress to selfish, childlike behavior. It was a real “ah-hah” insight for me. It explains a lot of the freaking out I did a couple months ago about the clot/pregnancy/birth stuff. I knew that being in constant, often severe pain was wearing me down, but I didn’t realize how much it had really penetrated my mentality.
Church
- RCIA starts tomorrow (Monday). Can’t wait to see what it’s like.
- Our parish recently had a ministry fair. I signed up for a couple things but the one I’m most excited about is cooking meals for the priests. Once a quarter I’ll make two dinners for our two priests. I often worry that the pressure of handling such a large parish is wearing on them (others have noticed this as well) so I’m happy to be able to do something to give back to them, even if it’s just cooking a couple of my very non-gourmet dinners for them.
- I’m excited about choosing a patron saint. A wonderful comment got me thinking about St. Augustine, and the more I read about him the more I feel drawn to him. Also, it’s apropos that the day I start RCIA is his feast day.
Breastfeeding
- The whole “breastfeeding makes you lose weight” idea is La Leche League propaganda!
OK, maybe not for everyone, but for me. I don’t gain pregnancy weight, I gain breastfeeding weight. A few days after my daughter was born I weighed only nine pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight. I’ve since gained about seven pounds. I’ve been eating like I’m part of some sort of contest involving a cash prize. It’s scary.
I’m in one of those moods where I could probably put up about five 2,000 word posts in a row, but since the baby finally just fell asleep I’ll be responsible and get myself to bed.
Great political blog
I just realized that my favorite political blogger is back online. OK, so he’s been back online for a year and a half. I’m not very quick.
Anyway, for those of you who like to read about right-of-center politics, I highly recommend Jaceonline. Great stuff.