I’ve been reading all of your posts (and all the responses too, so interesting) chronologically, once every few days in between editorial work at my workdesk.

Coming from a very anti-catholic but still very religious (Belgian calvinist-evangelical) background, reading about your journey of discovering the Catholic faith has been like reading a ‘how to start on catholicism’-book for me, lots of posts falling like a drop of water on my every thirsty sould (and mind!) My parents were both raised as typical (Belgian)’culture catholics’ post Vatican II and ‘converted’ to evangicalism in their twenties, out of frustration with the Church and out of mere hunger for God and ‘sincere personal belief’. 30 or so years later, they still read their bible and they still believe in God, but they’re still hungry… and I with them. Now their eldest child (that’s me) will proceed to do the unthinkable: return to their home Church, together with her (also protestant raised) husband, on Pentecost 2011 (Our christian baptism is recognised) My best friend – Ciska from thisjourneyofmylife – got to the same conclusions on her own seperate journey and felt the same longings to be in full Communion with the Church, a bit ahead of me. (She’ll be recieved on the Easter Vigil this year) I can’t fully describe the change/transformation I’ve felt since I’ve been attending Mass regularly and decided (half a year ago) to become catholic, yet. This Lent, me and my husband will (seperately and together) be preparing for our Confirmation, First Eucharistic Communion, and… first Confession. I’m not quite sure what to expect. A bit nervous, too (a lot!) It’s strange for someone who’s been ‘confessing’ her whole life, alone, silently, without reassurance (‘Are we okay now, God? Did you hear me? Did I say enough?’) or actial absolution. Your posts about first confession kinda calms me and assures me it’ll be okay, whatever happens. I expect it to be a bit different from your experience though, since I’ll be the only one coming to confession on a certain day (the habit of confessing is almost completely extinct in catholic Belgium these days – what a pity!) and the priest and I will be sitting in his office at a desk, ‘talking’ about the things that kept (and still keeps) me from God the most.’ Being a perfectionist and controllfreak as you are (were?), I’m already thinking about how to ‘deliver’ a ‘good’ confession. Wrong Cléo! But I do think about that. Afraid to ‘fail’ in confessing ‘the good way’ = not as I have always done as a protestant youngster. Would you pray for my first confession? I’m pretty excited about our Confirmation and recieving the Eucharist, but man, that first confession gets me anxious! Not that I’m afraid to actually tell a priest the wrong things I did/thought (and still remember) or do, I’m a very open person who likes to get ‘things out in the open’. I think I’m afraid of the feeling you describe in your post, about the regret and sadness of ‘years wasted’ in anger, resentment, apathy, rebellion and hopelesness, without seeking consolation or meaning at the roots of life: Christ and his Church.

But maybe I actually already got a taste of that feeling a few weeks ago.
My husband and I watched the bio-epic of Pope John Paul II (portrayed by John Voight) one night. I cried my eyes out for the entire lenght of the miniseries. (quite a while…) I certainly didn’t expect that to happen! But the guilt I felt for once disregarding/mocking and thinking ill of this wonderful man/leader/Father and his Church, was overwhelming. How did I not know all this back then when he was still alive? I felt such remorse for my prejudices against the Church…

My husband and I will be the only new catholics in our diocese this year (!), since the Church in Belgium faces quite a crisis at the moment (and never before seen gratuit media-attacks), and a lot of people are ‘leaving’ the Church (getting ‘de-baptised’, crazy) instead of joining. We don’t have any preparation groups like RCIA, not a lot of new catholics to relate to, … we’re pretty much on our own. That’s why I’m so thankful to all those intelligent, witty ànd (new) catholic blogwriters like yourself! You writing down your walk in faith means a lot to me! At the moment, I’m reading (more devouring) catholic books (Chesterton, Pope Benedictus XVI, Hahn, Christopher West, the Cathechism, lives of Saints), I try to pray the Hail Mary (blasphemy in my protestant family) and talk to Saint Johannes Bosco (my husband’s already a catholic religion teacher, and I’d like to quit my job and become a history teacher). And just a few days ago, I decided to start practicing what I’ve been preaching to my husband the last couple of months: to embrace the Church’ teaching on contraception, to let go of my ‘I can controll my fertility and a lot more’-mentality, and to start NFP. (I’m actually terrified!)

Now, I’m also excited to read your ‘next’ post, Jennifer, about you being received in the Church on Easter almost four years ago. I’ll keep reading! (and praying) Please keep writing : )

Groetjes from Belgium, Cléo (1986)