Why do good things happen to bad people?

I realized recently that I never have resolved a few questions I have on the topic of prayer. The one that's most pressing these days is the unease I feel about thanking God for the good things in my life. Since this is somewhat related to the discussion we had in the last post, I thought this would be a good time to bring it up.

I feel overwhelmed with gratitude for how great my life is. Yet, when I go to thank God, I feel uncomfortable about thanking him for specific things like my children, the good health of our family, my great husband, our luxurious (compared to most other times and places) middle-class American life, etc.

If I approach it as if I'm thanking God in a passive sense, that these things are good and all goodness comes from God, that makes the most sense intellectually (e.g. "Thank you God for being the source of all that is good..."). But I feel like perhaps I should be thanking him for his direct action in giving these things to me (e.g. "Thank you God for giving me my healthy children, my great husband, that random, unexpected check we just got in the mail...").

The former option seems to imply that God is just some impersonal force. Yet the latter makes me feel uncomfortable and rather bold to assume that God actively chose to give me these things, since it seems to assume that he actively chose *not* to help out people who do not have healthy children, good health, a great spouse, etc.

I know that this touches on the issue of suffering and "Why do bad things happen to good people?", which is a huge box of worms to open. To narrow it down, what I'm specifically trying to understand is this: when I am giving thanks for the wonderful things in my life, am I to assume that God consciously chose that I, Jen, should receive these things? Or should I thank God for good things in the abstract while assuming, as I do with certain types of suffering, that it is not God's work directly but the result of the randomness in our world that comes with humans having free will?

I know I'm missing something here, I'm just not sure what it is. That's where you guys come in. :)

Does God want us to be prosperous?

This weekend my husband and I caught up with some good friends who are born-again Christians. The wife and I know each other from back when we were both fixtures at the clubs in our city's entertainment district, so it was interesting to compare stories of how and why we changed our lives, and to hear their perspectives as Protestant Christians who go to an interdenominational church.

Lots of interesting stuff came of these conversations and I'll probably do a couple more posts about the variety of topics we discussed, but there was one subject that we had some disconnect on that I wanted to run by you readers: does God want us to be prosperous?

Some background on that question: my husband have been pondering the question "how much is too much?" lately, asking ourselves what level of wealth we'd need to attain before we decided we had enough and started giving all additional income away to charity. If we had $500,000 in an IRA? $1 million? What's the number? [BTW, I should note that this is totally hypothetical -- I'm not saying we are anywhere near this or that we think we might realistically face this situation. How we should spend our millions is not a problem we struggle with right now. :)]

As part of this discussion with our friends we posed a hypothetical question: if you won a massive lottery of $50 million tomorrow, how much would you keep? What would you buy? How much would you give to charity?

Our friends said that they would definitely give at least a 10% tithe, buy a nice house (around $300K -- not a mansion), a fully-loaded luxury SUV, some jewelry, nice clothes, put a ton in savings for future generations, etc. When we asked if they'd feel guilty about driving a luxury SUV and wearing nice jewelry and setting their kids up to be "trust fund babies" they said no, that God wants our cups to runneth over, that we wants us to be prosperous.

That doesn't sound right to me. I could very well be wrong (I don't know what the Church teaches about this) but it just doesn't resonate as true that God wants us to be financially prosperous. I could believe that he wants us to be prosperous in love or faith or something like that, or that he's indifferent to wealth as long as you tithe and aren't a slave to money, but it's hard to believe that he wants everyone to be financially prosperous. If nothing else, it would mean that St. Francis of Assisi and many others like him were way off from God's desire for their lives.

(Now, to be honest, if I win $50 million tomorrow I cannot promise that you won't see me driving up to Mass in a fully-loaded Acura MDX...but I'd feel conflicted about it.) :)

Either way, the friendly debate we had about the subject made me really examine my relationship to money and my financial goals, and it made me realize that I could use more clarity about this area of my life. So I'm interested to hear what my readers have to say on this one. I have two sets of questions:

1. Does God want us to be financially prosperous? What does the Catholic Church teach about this? I know that God didn't hand down an inflation-adjusted number for the maximum net worth one family should have, but what are the guidelines?
   
   
2. What would you do if you got $50 million tomorrow? (For simplicity, pretend that there are no taxes.) How much would you keep? How much would you set aside for your children to inherit? What would you buy? How much would you give away?
   

I'm out of time for posting right now but will give my answer to #2 in the comments later.

Perceptions of parenting in contraceptive culture

This week I've run into a bunch of posts on blogs, comments in forums, etc. where women discuss how hard it is to have children. Here's an example:

*sigh* Oh yeah... overwhleming. Its hard not to have any free time. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by my two DD's, they're wonderful but so much work... the noise, the toys everywhere, the constant demands, the little sibling fights, etc.. I can't remember the last time i had an hour to read a book or watch a TV show. I do love being a mom but sometimes i really look forward to when they're older and I'll go back to work. :-/ I try to rememer to enjoy this time since they'll be little for only a short time. I know I'll be happy in the long run... i just need to keep reminding myself of that.

I was surprised to feel a sense of disconnect with friends and other bloggers who wrote posts like the one above. I realized in trying to come up with something to say that I spend far less time thinking about the difficulties of being a parent than I used to, which is odd since my responsibilities as a parent have increased exponentially, and I'm never one to shy away from kvetching about whatever might be inconveniencing me.

It used to be second nature. In my family growing up, the topic of how hard it is to have children came up fairly frequently. My parents told me many times that while having kids is very rewarding, it's the most difficult thing you could ever do (and they only had one kid!) Friends' parents often echoed similar sentiments. As I child I was keenly aware of the great burdens of being a parent.

Up until my son was a little over a year old I also spent a fair amount of time pontificating about the heavy weight of motherhood. Not that I didn't enjoy being a mother, but, like my parents and the woman who wrote the post above, the realization of how much had changed since my pre-kid days and how little free time I had and how much new responsibility I had were always in the back of my mind.

I noticed this week that over the past year and a half or so my thinking has changed. I definitely gripe about bad days here and there and have frustrating moments almost daily, but I give almost no thought to the downsides of simply being a parent and the lifestyle that goes with it. I'm much more at peace with every aspect of being a mother, including the challenges and inconveniences. Why is that? (Hint: it's not because I'm just a peaceful person or a naturally good mother.) :)

I realized that my mentality changed about the time my stance on contraception changed. Once I saw marriage as going hand-in-hand with the creation of life, I realized that I'll be open to the possibility of new life until menopause which, based on family history, will probably be sometime around age 47. I could be changing diapers when I'm almost 50.

As this new way of seeing my life and my marriage sunk in, I slowly started to think of diaper changing and "terrible two's" and fussy babies and spitup and mystery Crayon stains not as a fleeting phase to grit your teeth and endure, but as part of life. Just like I don't spend much time belaboring the disadvantages of being very tall, I no longer spend much time belaboring the difficulties of being a parent. Both are just part of life.

The human mind naturally agonizes more about challenging situations that we perceive to be changeable, temporary or within our control than that which we perceive to be permanent, part of life and out of our control. And I've really felt this to be true as I compare my new mentality about motherhood with my old. Again, I've always enjoyed being a mom. But back when I had a little clock ticking in my subconscious, counting the days until my last carefully-planned child would enter kindergarten and I'd therefore be finished with the baby/toddler phase, it was hard not be very conscious of all the downsides of this soon-to-be-over time of my life.

I'm interested to hear what others think. Do you think that our pro-contraception culture, in which children are carefully planned and each phase of childhood is fleeting, lends itself to making the little challenges of raising kids be more "felt," more painful? Or has there always been as much hand-wringing about the challenges inherent to parenting as there is now?

NOTE: We all know that the topic of parenthood in general, and especially comparisons of parents with differing philosophies, is a super hot hotbutton issue. Let's make sure to remember that this isn't about who is a good or bad parent, just a discussion of whether or not certain mindsets make the challenges of parenting more noticeable.

Openness to life - in theory and in practice

I've talked a lot on this blog about the contraception aspect of converting to Catholicism. Before I discovered the Church I'd never even thought twice about it. I didn't even know that anyone was seriously against it anymore. I thought that it was one of those things like water and air that we all universally agreed was a very necessary, very good thing.

Even when I was first exploring the Church I had it in the back of my head that I'd kind of, uhh, "forget" that whole not using birth control rule. But as I read up on the Catholic case for openness to life and really understood the reasoning behind the stance on contraception, I was shocked to find myself easily agreeing with the Church. Instead of seeing the teaching to be oppressive and archaic, I now see it as one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard. Embracing this teaching has fundamentally changed my marriage, my family and my life more than I could have ever imagined.

That said, the Church does teach that it's OK to avoid pregnancy if extreme circumstances make it not a good time to have another baby. I think I pretty clearly fit into that category since:

• I am still paying off the $10K in out-of-pocket medical expenses that resulted from the DVT during my last pregnancy.
• I still haven't found insurance that covers pregnancy. It's hard because a) we're small business owners, b) I'm now high-risk because of the DVT, c) I'm even more high-risk because of the diagnosis of the clotting disorder. Back when I could just go to midwives this wasn't a big deal, but now I really need maternity insurance.
• Without maternity insurance, my total out-of-pocket expenses for another pregnancy would be around $14K. That would be a very hard financial hit right now.
• Our current living situation is only sustainable for another six months or so, so we're working hard to save for a much-needed house.
• Throughout my next pregnancy I'll have to give myself daily anticoagulation shots in the stomach. My insurance covers part of this, my part is about $800/month. (I should note that I'm not 100% sure that there's not a cheaper option. Some initial searches didn't come up with much, but I haven't researched it thoroughly.)
• I just finished treatment for the DVT a few weeks ago, so it is strongly not advised that I do anything that would cause a hypercoagulable state (e.g. surgery, pregnancy, etc.) at this time.
• All of the specialists I saw when I had the DVT strongly cautioned me against future pregnancies. Two suggested I consider sterilization. They emphasized that I need to wait as long as possible if I "insist" on having more children.
• All the usual reasons you might not feel prepared to be pregnant again (especially since I tend to have pretty bad "all day sickness") when you have 26-month-old and a 6-month-old.
  

For all these reasons I feel as sure as I can be that I have legitimate reasons to want to postpone another pregnancy at this time. I haven't started charting yet but didn't think I needed to because I was being very conservative. So I thought.

I found out this weekend that I'm pregnant. To say that I was surprised would be the understatement of the year. For the reasons I mentioned above, this was not in the plan right now.

I've hesitated to write this post because I haven't told a single person (other than my husband) in my personal life, but I feel like this is a good time to draw on the wisdom and support that my commentors here so often give me. Also, it's very relevant to the purpose of this blog, which is to chronicle my experiences with faith and the Church.

I'm going to go take a day or two to freak out. :) In the meantime, I ask that you pray for me that I remain calm and not worry unnecessarily. Also, I ask for any advice. For once, I'm not even sure what my questions are. Just let me know if you have any thoughts that might help. My husband and I are both only children so we are really, really out of our element here.

On a final note, I should add that I do welcome this new life. Even though I'm surprised and tired and worried, I'm happy that this new son or daughter is here.

Ashley and the disabled

***UPDATE*** David has a good update about the post I quoted below.

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After reading a post on Catholic Pillow Fight I became aware of the horribly sad story of Ashley. I have sympathy for her parents, but I think what they did was wrong. I was Googling around to see what others had to say about this issue and came across many solid, academic treatments of the subject that made strong points and addressed the subject well.

But nothing quite compares to this post by David. An excerpt:

Ashley’s "parents" are afraid that their daughter would grow physically to be a young woman. I am a young man. I have a severe disability. I cannot sit up by myself, I cannot walk, I cannot go to the bathroom independently, I cannot prepare meals, I cannot use utensils very well. I cannot wipe my own butt. I drool. I weigh about 140 pounds, I am 5’9” tall. I am uncomfortable spending a lot of time in my wheelchair, I prefer to lay on the carpet. My mom can no longer lift me off the floor; my dad can barely lift me off the floor.

I have been disrespected and mistreated at times in my life. My parents have always gone to bat for me and now, with me. What strikes me tonight about the "Ashley Treatment" and has brought me to tears is that the very people in all of society whom this child should trust, have betrayed her. When you grow up so dependent, so vulnerable, you need someone to love you wholly and unconditionally. The rest of society may disrespect you and put you down and make you think less of yourself and make you think you are not a human being, but your parents?! Your parents?! I am my parents’ child, they know that I am a human being. Not an angel, not a pet. And, I learn from them that as a human, I have human dignity.

Go read the whole thing, it's excellent (skip the comments if you're easily offended by profanity). I'm thankful to have discovered David's blog. His story and his coverage of these types of issues is thought-provoking and powerful.

Thoughts on 30

This weekend I turn thirty. I'm working on a post about how I feel about that, but with my very limited free time it might end up being a post about how I feel about turning 31. :)

In the meantime, I'd like to get some thoughts and advice from you readers:

- For those of you who are over thirty, what advice do you have for me? Is there anything you wish you'd done differently, things you wish you'd known, improvements in your life or yourself that you wish you'd made at this point in your life?

- For you twenty-somethings, what do you hope your life is like when you're thirty? What are your goals? Is there something you hope to have resolved, or a big goal you want to accomplish?

These questions are only thoughts off the top of my head, feel free to just think out loud. Rambling, stream-of-consciousness comments welcome!

Time to delurk!

Word on the street is that it's delurking week again. In my 3+ years of having various blogs I've never done this, but I recently came across a couple comments on other sites written by people who said they read my site but have never commented.

It made me realize that I get so involved with the comments and my regular commenters that I tend to fall into the mentality that I "know" all my readers and have a good feel for who reads this site. But, based on the stats, only a small percentage of those who read leave comments.

So I would love to ask all of you who come across this post to leave a comment, even anonymously. Just saying hello is fine, although I would love to know a) a little bit about you, b) why you read, and c) what your religious background is.

But, again, just a quick hello is fine too. :)

Art or obnoxious?

My mother-in-law could be described as...quirky. She's wonderfully wild and unpredictable, one of those people who you want to watch just to see what crazy thing they're going to say or do next. In a typically random move, a couple years ago she was just delighted to have purchased a very large print (about four feet high) of some French ad featuring a scantily-clad dancer in a sexy pose. She proudly hung it up above the bed in her tiny guest room, just delighted with this new decorative item. Click here to see it (this image is very small, but you get the idea).

Frankly, I find it a bit overwhelming. You walk into the little room and are immediately hit with the thought, "Hey, there's some woman's a**." I never loved having it hang above our bed when we stayed there, but I began to get a little bit annoyed by it when my two-year-old walked into the room on our last visit and exclaimed, "Mommy look at that lady!" (Also, there's the ridiculousness of the fact that if the text were in English it would be soft porn, but since it's in French it's supposed to be artsy.)

Anyway, I'm probably going to ask her to take it down, and she's probably going to be perplexed by the request. I think she'll honestly be confused about what my issue could possibly be with this lovely poster. Also, a friend of mine said she doesn't see what the big deal is. Which makes me wonder: am I the crazy one here that I think it's inappropriate?

I was trying to think of what other parents I know would think about this picture, and couldn't figure it out. I could believe that others would be way more or way less bothered by it than I am. So, just out of curiosity, I ask you readers: what would your reaction be if this poster were in the room that you and your kids stayed in at your in-law's house? Would you ask them to take it down?

Prayers for Jill

My heart aches for Jill, whose blog I've been following for about a year. After reading her latest post, I can't imagine how much stress she must be under. She's been through so much difficulty already (if you're not familiar with her site, here's one touching post she wrote after her sixth miscarriage).

Please keep her, her family and her friend in your thoughts and prayers.

The Christian meaning of human suffering

While reading the comments to the last post, I was trying to come up with a good explanation of how I've come to understand suffering from the Catholic perspective. But I couldn't quite put together a non-rambling summary of my thoughts. Steve G. said well what I was trying to say:

Putting aside the issues of persecution for a moment, and agreeing wholeheartedly that 'seeking' suffering is basically perverse, I think something is being badly missed here.

Regardless of whether we seek it out or not, suffering will find us. We all encounter it to differing extents. That's a fact.

The question then becomes how will we handle it? What shall we do with it? Shall we 'embrace' it; offer it up as our sacrifice...as a prayer, try at least to bring something good out of it even as we struggle to rid ourselves of it? Or shall we become embittered by it, angry, resentful?

Mr. Teresa is taking some hits here, but to understand what she was saying, one must understand what the Church says. That God does not bring about evil, but that he can bring good even out of evil.

While Jesus' mission surely was about alleviating suffering, about healing, restoring, etc., to miss that the most essential part of the gospel revolves around a profoundly evil act, and immense suffering is to miss the point. The point that out of and despite that evil and suffering, something profoundly beautiful is revealed...the resurrection.

Jesus most certainly embraces, offers up, or whatever catch phrase we choose, his suffering. There is no way around it. But he did so that the greater good might be accomplished. That death might be conquered and our fear and cowardice at giving up our selfishness (sacrificing our selfish desires) might be overcome.

One of the horrible things about pain and suffering is that the natural reaction is to allow it to consume us, to turn ourselves inward and become self-centered. And that's normal, and from a purely human perspective it's even something that one can hardly be faulted for.

But if we can but lift our gaze from our pain, we might see the path forward. That it need not consume us, that even poverty need not make us bitter, angry or resentful. That was what Mr. Teresa preached. That is what the Church does and always has proclaimed. That even in a fallen, seemingly irredeemable world, that redemption does exist, that redemption is possible.

Back when the subject of God and suffering first came up on this blog, a reader recommended that I check out John Paul II's letter on the Christian meaning of human suffering, Salvifici Doloris. It took me about a month to get through the whole thing and absorb it all. Especially that I was still struggling to understand very basic Christian and Catholic concepts, there were many paragraphs that I had to read about five times before it sunk in. (That said, it's an excellent read. Really worth the effort.)

After I finally got through it, I kept coming back to one simple line the late pope quoted that summed the whole thing up. Of all the 15,000+ words JPII devoted to the subject, the countless discussions that have been had on this subject throughout the ages, one quote from Jesus in the book of John summarizes with simple elegance the Christian view on suffering: "In the world you have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world."