"Would you kids be quiet! I'm trying to seek God's will here!"

How do I live God's will at each moment? That is the big question that's been on my mind lately.

Regular readers know that I've recently discovered the concept that we should be seeking God at every moment of every day, not just during scheduled prayer time or Mass. Even first thing in the morning. (Remarking on how very un-saintly I can be in the first couple hours after I wake up, my husband once summarized my attitude as, "It's a good thing Jesus doesn't get here until 9:30!")

Some of the most amazing, powerful insights I've ever heard on this subject came from a book I recently finished called He Leadeth Me by Fr. Walter Ciszek. I count it among the most life-changing books I've ever read. In this book Fr. Ciszek recounts the major tests of faith he endured and what he learned about seeking God's will in the 20+ years he spent as a prisoner in Russia. Falsely accused of being a Vatican spy, he spent five years in solitary confinement in the dreaded Lubianka prison, and was then sent to a terrible Siberian slave labor camp for 15 years.

One of the things I found most surprising and inspiring about this book is that Fr. Ciszek's insights are as applicable to the average American suburbanite as they are to the Siberian prisoner. His suffering involved starvation-level hunger and torturous 18 hour days out in the bitter tundra while mine involves laundry trips up and down the stairs with third-trimester aches and pains; his foiled plans involved decades of wrongful imprisonment and harassment while mine involve a really bad week of potty training -- but the lessons are the same.

For example, he has this to say about the depression he and a fellow priest fell into when they first arrived in Russia to realize that nobody even wanted them to be there. They were living in squalor and had sacrificed everything they knew to minister to the Russian people...and nobody even seemed to care. He writes:

We could serve the Church [back in Poland], but we could do nothing here. This whole Russian venture seemed now to have been a mistake.

Though our situation may have been somewhat unique, the temptation itself was not. It is the same temptation faced by everyone who has followed a call and found that the realities of life were nothing like the expectations he had... It is the temptation that comes to anyone, for example, who has entered religious life with a burning desire to serve God and him alone, only to find that the day-to-day life in religion is humdrum and pedestrian...It is the same temptation face by young couples in marriage, when the honeymoon is over...The temptation is to say: "...It is not fair. I never thought it would be like this. I will not serve."

The statement "I will not serve" can mean different things to different people, but I think we've all said it at one point or another. It could be something as severe as a couple divorcing when the going gets rough, or as routine as being unwilling (or only grudgingly willing) to carry out the more inconvenient and mundane tasks required by your vocation. (The latter is sort of a specialty of mine -- you should hear me when toilet cleaning time rolls around!)

Fr. Ciszek explains the enlightening realization he and his friend received after months of physical and mental misery:

And then one day, it dawned on us. God granted us the grace to see...the answer to our temptation. It was the grace quite simply to look at our situation from his viewpoint rather than from ours. It was the grace not to judge our efforts by human standards, or by what we ourselves wanted or expected to happen.

He refers to St. Ignatius' First Principle and Foundation that says that man is created to praise, revere and serve God, and all his efforts should directed at that aim and that aim alone. Fr. Ciszek and his friend had known this fundamental truth very well before they entered Russia. They had prayed about it and meditated on it countless times, but it had only been an abstract theory -- they had never truly applied it to their daily lives. He writes of this realization:

Our whole purpose [in Russia] -- as indeed in our whole lives -- was to do the will of God. Not the will of God as we might wish it...or as we thought in our poor human wisdom it ought to be. But rather the will of God as God envisioned it and revealed it to us each day...His will for us was the 24 hours of each day: the people, the places, the circumstances he set before us in that time. [...]

Our dilemma came from our frustration at not being able to do what we thought the will of God ought to be in this situation, at our inability to work as we thought God would surely want us to work, instead of accepting the situation itself as his will. It is a mistake easily made by every man, saint or scholar, Church leader or day laborer. [...]

The simple soul who each day makes a morning offering of "all the prayers, works, joys and suffering of this day" -- and who then acts upon it by accepting unquestioningly and responding lovingly to all the situations of that day as truly sent by God -- has perceived with an almost childlike faith the profound truth about the will of God.

To predict what God's will is going to be, to rationalize about what his will must be, is at once a work of human folly and yet the subtlest of all temptations. The plain and simple truth is that his will is what he actually wills to send us each day, in the way of circumstances, places, people, and problems. [...]

The answer lies in understanding that it is these things -- and these things alone, here and now, at this moment -- that truly constitute the will of God.

I am a sort of living testament to this concept. I can't tell you how many times I've been engrossed in some great spiritual book, only to be interrupted by some unexpected chaos with the kids. And my immediate reaction is to think, "Would you kids be quiet! I'm trying to seek God's will here!" sighing that if only I wasn't so bogged down with my household responsibilities that I could really start getting in tune with God. If only I didn't have to change this diaper and deal with that temper tantrum and clear all those dishes off the table I could get closer to finding out what it is that God wills for me!

It's been quite stunning, then, for me to realize that changing that diaper and dealing with the temper tantrum and clearing those dishes are God's will. These are the situations that God puts in front of me every day. If I see them through my eyes alone, holding out for God to reveal to me that "his" will is all about me writing that bestselling book or the lottery win (that just so happen to be big fantasies of mine), I grumble through the mundane tasks of my day. And when I do this, when I apathetically plop a dish into the sink or huff and puff about having to sweep the kitchen floor for the second time today, I am essentially saying, "I will not serve." I'm refusing to accept that these humdrum tasks just might be the answers to all my questions about what God wants me to do.

But to see all these diapers and temper tantrums and dishes through God's eyes, to humbly go about my day executing each task with love, appreciating every moment and every little thing around me as a precious gift, is to know and serve God, to do his will. I don't need to analyze it beyond that. I have my answer.

Fr. Ciszek says it best:

To seek to discover some other and nobler "will of God" in the abstract that better fits our notion of what his will should be...was our temptation [in Russia], just as it is the temptation faced by everyone who suddenly discovers that life is not what he expected it to be. The answer lies in understanding that it is these things -- and these things alone, here and now, at this moment -- that truly constitute the will of God...The trouble is that like all great truths it seems too simple.

Its very simplicity renders it almost impossible of human achievement, for our poor human nature is too easily distracted. The very circumstances of our lives -- so constant and so humdrum and routine, and yet the things that truly constitute the will of God for us each day -- are also the very things that serve to distract us, precisely because we are so involved with them. [...]

And yet to grasp this divine truth, as simple as it sounds, and work at it, to face each moment of every day in the light of its inspiration...is to come to know at last true joy and peace of heart, secure in the knowledge we are attempting always and in everything to do God's will, the only purpose for which we exist, the end for which alone we were created. There is no greater security a man could ask, no greater serenity a man could know.

Video: Why the Pill is an abortifacient

This little video offers a short and to-the-point explanation of why modern birth control pills act as an abortifacient. This is one of the most clear explanations of this topic I've seen. (via Dom)

My new downstairs book: On Food and Cooking

I mentioned in a previous post that I always have two books that I'm reading: a downstairs book and an upstairs book. The downstairs books are stuff that I can read while the kids play, book targeted at the general public that don't take too much brainpower to get through (my last one was Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace). My upstairs books always relate to questions of God, my latest topic of interest being how to figure out what God's will for you at any given moment, and then actually carry it out (my last two books were Journey to Easter and He Leadeth Me).

So anyway, my belated Mother's Day gift just arrived from my grandfather, and I am just way to thrilled about it. People should not be this excited about books. I present to you: On Food and Cooking by Harold McGee.

Because I could never do it justice if I summarized it myself (I recently described it to a friend as "a book with all this cool stuff about food"), I'll quote the Publisher's Weekly review:

A stunning masterpiece that combines science, linguistics, history, poetry and, of course, gastronomy. [McGee] dances from the spicy flavor of Hawaiian seaweed to the scientific method of creating no-stir peanut butter, quoting Chinese poet Shu Xi and biblical proverbs along the way. McGee's conversational style—rich with exclamation points and everyday examples—allows him to explain complex chemical reactions, like caramelization, without dumbing them down. His book will also be hailed as groundbreaking in its breakdown of taste and flavor.

I'm only half-way through the first chapter, about milk, and I've already learned so much! It's fascinating to hear about what other cultures throughout history did with their milk -- e.g. turning it into yogurt and covering it with oil to make it last longer, or even fermenting it to make alcohol in the case of nomadic cultures whose lifestyle didn't lend itself to brewing beer or wine.

It's about three inches thick, so given my downstairs reading rate it should only take me a decade or two to get through it. I can't wait!

When your spouse is an atheist / agnostic

A reader emailed me the other day to ask if I had any thoughts on how to discuss faith with an agnostic spouse. I don't want to divulge any identifying details, but a rough summary of his question is this:

I am a recent convert to Catholicism and my wife is agnostic. She is content with her life, not really intellectual, and not "searching" spiritually. So far our marriage is a happy one, but I worry about big conflicts arising from our differing views if we have children.

I feel very disheartened that she has no interest in this faith that is to crucial to my life, and that I don't even have any friends who share my Catholic faith. It seems that whenever I try to be a good Catholic and Christian I get accused of being a "party pooper" or "holy roller".

I feel down about all this and could use some words of encouragement.

So I sent him a lengthy reply. But the topic still nagged at me, and after re-reading the email I sent I realized that my advice probably wasn't going to be that helpful.

It occurred to me that regular commentor Steve G. (who recently had some great thoughts on another subject here and here) had been in this very situation in his own marriage, so I emailed him to ask what he thought. As usual, he was able to distill what he learned from his own experience into some really powerful advice for any new converts whose spouses don't share their faith. It was too good not to share, so with his permission I'm posting his advice in case others may find it helpful.

He writes:

Around the time I converted, my wife could also have been described as a mostly content, non-intellectual who just doesn't really care about faith. That non-intellectual part is not an insult in the least. My wife is plenty smart, she just happens to be one of those people who lives more in the real world than in her head (i.e. like me too often). Sometimes, I really think being an 'intellectual' is a huge disadvantage. :-P

Since I am that type of person myself, I do draw so much information, knowledge, and edification from reading, listening to, and devouring the types of books and tapes I've often spoken about. At the beginning, lacking any semblance of humility, and even less insight into the different ways people relate, I clumsily offered book after book, apologetic after apologetic argument, tried to get her to watch EWTN, etc. All to no avail (except possibly causing a lot of resentment). After a few months of seeming dead ends, I almost despaired at how I was going to reach her with what I'd found.

All this is to say I know how tough it can be. St. Paul was right, being unequally yoked is tough, very tough. In fact, it's downright painful. So I'll offer what advice and encouragement I can:


First, I need to boldly and happily say that there is hope! Don't be discouraged! I honestly could never have envisioned my wife (raised as an atheist) would convert to Catholicism. At one point, I was just happy enough that she 'tolerated' my own growing devoutness. Yet just about two years after my own conversion began, there she was getting baptized at the Easter vigil. And now some 6 or 7 years after that, I am in a Catholic marriage, with three baptized children, and we are fighting the good fight of trying to faithfully live out the Church's teachings together.

Will it happen in every case? Will it happen as quickly? Only God knows, but this is just to encourage these spouses to have hope. It does happen. It's often times quite unexpected, almost miraculous. But then God specializes in the miracle of conversion of hearts.

Here is some advice I would offer:

1. As St. Francis says, preach the Gospel in actions and not words. This is SO important. At some point after my clumsy attempts to convert my wife, a good friend basically told me in roughly these words, "Why not just keep your mouth shut and focus 100% on being the very best Catholic husband you can be. Stop trying to convert her, that's God's work, and get about what you can change...growing closer to God, becoming a better Christian, becoming a better husband."

His words actually stung me a bit as I was still just in the very beginning stages of recovering from a life of total unmitigated pridefulness, and the thought that I couldn't bend her to my will was humbling.

In truth though, if I had any hand in converting my wife, it was after I heeded this advice. It was only after my behavior as a husband, a son, a brother, a friend, a person, had drastically changed for the better that she began to become open to the possibility that there might be something to that whole Catholicism thing. To her non-intellectual personality, the proof was in the pudding. My actions spoke louder than any words I could have used.


2. Remember to have fun. There definitely is a tendency, especially for those of us who convert in very isolated circumstances such as he describes (one man show, no Catholic friends, etc.), to withdraw very rapidly from all things with even the slightest hint of taint of the world. It's understandable, maybe even laudable. After a life of sin, you feel you've been rescued and you want to protect yourself from those things. It is exceedingly difficult at the beginning to strike the balance between being in the world, but not of it. The tendency is to go towards the extreme and indeed, it's easy in that case to come across as a humorless holy-roller.

Again, indeed this was my own experience. I don't really regret it because there is a sense in which it was a necessary withdrawal to more or less gather my bearings as I was setting my foot on this path of faith. But looking back, I have to be honest and admit that I was indeed a bit of a killjoy. I was so overly sensitive to all things I perceived as impious that I could actually be quite a bore.

But then I learned (thanks to writers like Lewis, Chesterton, and many other 'joyful' men and women), that this is not how we should be. We are Catholics! We are not Manicheans. We are not Puritans. We are Catholic! We know that grace builds on nature, and we can affirm the good wherever it is found. And we can, and should laugh loud and often! In the words of Hilaire Belloc:

"Wherever the Catholic sun doth shine / There's always laughter and good red wine."

...and so it should be. Even our current pope is on record as saying that we Catholics have so much to be joyful about that we should be exuding that to the world. Let us be careful no to confuse piety with somberness. Let us be not only joyful, but also capable of enjoying (morally, of course) God's gifts (including our yet to be converted spouse).


3. Be careful not to require too much in the way of motives for your spouse. This might sound confusing, so let me explain.

While my wife did begin to be open to the possibility of becoming Catholic through the changes she saw in me, if she'd been left to her own devices, she'd probably have taken the whole thing MUCH slower. When she finally did decide to convert, it was as much for me, for our family's unity (we were pregnant at that time), and for peace in our marriage as anything else.

This would often trouble me. I wondered if she felt forced (though I honestly don't recall pressing her after the initial foolish period of trying to convert her). I wondered if she 'really' believed (how in heaven's name can that be measured?). I wondered if she really FELT it in her heart. I was suspicious that she was doing this way too much for me, and not enough out of conviction and true belief on her part.

I realized how right I was when she told me later that during the Easter Vigil itself at one point she had actually had a dialogue with herself in which she came very close to turning to me and telling me she just couldn't go through with it.

So what's my point? That God meets us where we are. OK, so her motives weren't as 'pure' I would have thought they should be in the beginning, but look at it another way...how humble of her to have taken such a leap for her family and marriage! Would God not honor such humility? Of course he would. And he has. This wonderful woman who took those first, humble steps towards God, has been increasingly drawn to him in her depths as she owns her faith more deeply, draws strength, wisdom and love from it daily. This woman is today a Catholic who probably has about 1/100th of the book knowledge I have about the faith, but regularly manages to put me to shame in living it out.

God of course will use whatever he can to draw us to him. Even our broken, conflicted, impure motives. And looking back, can I really hold my own motives as so pure? I wonder. The point is again that conversion is God's work. Let us be able to set aside our expectations of what it should or will look like for others (even those most dear to us). If and when it happens, it may very well look very different than might be expected.


4. Finally, the last bit of advice I have is to pray. Pray, pray, pray, pray! Reading is wonderful, enlightening, edifying, helpful, and plenty of it needs to be done to fill the intellectual life of the intellectual Catholic.

But always, under girding everything must be the entering into of the life of prayer. In particular, get in the habit early on of finding at least a few minutes a day to withdraw from the noise and bustle of life, and just prayerfully listen for God's voice ("Speak Lord, your servant is listening" is how I begin).

If there is one practice, aside from frequent reception of the sacraments, that I would encourage a Catholic to partake of, and to not let go of no matter what, it would be to somehow spend at least 10 or 15 minutes each day listening in silent meditative prayer. Again, aside from the sacraments, this serves more to allow God to transform us and draw us to him than anything else I can think of. This life of prayer empowers us to do the good work of becoming that husband who images Christ to our wives, who turns the other cheek, who sacrifices for her.

New Design!

My little project for this weekend was to finally re-design my Blogger template. Because I stubbornly insisted on doing it by hand there are still a few little formatting glitches, but it seems to mostly be working OK. Those of you who read the site through feeds, come check it out!

BLOGROLL: I added a bunch of great new sites, so be sure to glace through the updated blogroll.

CATEGORIES: My main motivation behind the new design was to make room for all the categories I wanted to list. Many people have emailed me over the past year to say that they were interested in my story and read the entire archives, so I thought that categorizing everything might make it easier to find information without having to read every post. (And, OK, for selfish reasons I'm just too obsessive to have so much information that has been so critical to my faith floating out there unorganized.)

I had a lot of fun going back and organizing all the posts. Some of my favorite categories are:

• Turning Points: Posts about the major ideas or moments that had a big impact on my spiritual journey.
  
  
• Tough Questions: It was fun to read through all these perplexing issues and see what everyone had to say about it.
  
  
• Big Discussions: All the posts where the comments are not to be missed. Many of them contained amazing, life-changing advice; some were topics that touched a nerve and attracted a lot of commentors; and others were controversial and heated.
  
  
• Inspiration: Stories and ideas that inspired me that I wanted to share with others.
  

You'll also notice that I broke the categories into two sections: "My Story", which is a more chronological account of how I got from there to here; and "Topics", which is, obviously, a list of all the topics I write about.

My brain is officially fried from spending too much time in front of the computer this weekend (note to self: never do your first check to see how your design looks in IE right before you're supposed to go to bed). Anyway, hope you like the new look and the categories, and I hope everyone had a great weekend!

Notice to feed subscribers

For those of you who read this site through Bloglines or other feed readers, if you see 120 new posts listed it's not because I had a *lot* to say about my Memorial Day weekend. It's because I'm finally going back through my old posts to categorize them. I hope to get it done today or tomorrow.

Anyway, for the next few days you may want to glance at the date of any new posts. If you read something where I'm asking what a "Catukism" is or equivocating about whether or not to enter the Catholic Church, it's probably an old post that I just updated. :)

Did Mary have days like this?

Sarah has a great article up at CatholicDaily.org where she asks, "Did Mary have days like this?" Not only was it refreshing to hear that someone else was having one of those days, but I'm thrilled to add the word "Toddler-tron" to my vocabulary. She writes:

I don't have a good excuse. No sudden death, news of great tragedy, or personal fall-through. The clock just met 4:00, Toddler-tron started with her customary late afternoon ranting, and it all unraveled from there. Somehow, the everyday things - the weight of my worries, the onslaught of my duties, the trial of just getting through the rest of the day - were more than I could handle.

Ooooh yeah. For me it was getting caught in a sudden rainstorm with a cart full of kids and groceries, a cashier who forgot to scan a coupon, and a teething baby who finds yelling to be the most efficient way to communicate these days, but yeah -- I'm right there with her.

Except for when it comes to how to handle that sort of situation.

Sarah tried the interesting technique of turning to prayer. I, on the other hand, went for my standard coping mechanism of having an imaginary conversation in my head with my husband where I dumped all the details of my rotten day to him, including an aside with my conspiracy theory regarding the forgotten coupon.

So how did Sarah's technique work out? She writes:

Then, on my drive home, I remembered that I didn't finish my rosary this morning. I felt myself calming down as I worked my way through the last four mysteries. It was like someone was hugging me, holding me, comforting me. There's no doubt in my mind who that was.

Oddly enough, my technique of narrating every moment of my frustration during my imaginary conversation with my husband in my head did not produce such fruits. Once I started that ball rolling, it picked up speed. And for the next hour or so every little thing just seemed so irritating.

It actually occurred to me at one point to turn to God, to use this as an opportunity to seek his will at every moment (as I've been trying to do lately). I thought for a brief moment about what, theoretically, God would want me to do in this situation, and shrugged when I came up with nothing. The baby was crying again and I had to get her in out of the rain.

What I did not do at any point, however, was to stop and pray. Not even for five seconds. Once again, I was trying to rely on myself. I turned inward to come up with the knowledge of what I should be thinking or doing to get through this situation gracefully. I elbowed God aside while I tried to recall what I'd read about how I was supposed to be following his will.

Sarah's post helps me realize that what I should have done is stop, even for just a second, to humble myself before God and open myself to his help. To turn towards God through prayer, instead of taking a step away from him and withdrawing into myself.

Sarah offers some great thoughts on this:

Could it be that days like this are just part of the human condition? Could it be that Screwtape and his band of tempters are hard at work to make perfectly good days look like days like this, just to get us to slip up, maybe strangle our kid (oh, I came so close!) or yell at our spouse or take a step back away from God? And you know, once you've taken that first step, however small, what's another one? And really, who needs God and all his restrictions anyway? Who needs the laws and the parameters and all that hooey?

Those last few sentences about those small steps we take away from God are an eerily accurate description of what I've experienced throughout my spiritual journey. It is so easy to let bad habits build on one another. "Small" things like being short with my children or husband on the grounds that I'm having a tough day lay fertile ground for more self-centeredness. As Sarah writes, what's one more little step?

So this is going to be my latest challenge as I bumblingly learn to seek God's will at each moment: when those frustrating moments come up, stop (actually, physically stop) and turn to God. Don't try to intellectually analyze what it was the Church Fathers wrote about seeking God's will or what that latest book by Pope Benedict said on the subject. Just pray.

Living God's will: what is God trying to tell me with this situation?

So after thinking about what Steve G. wrote in response to my questions about how God's will works, I decided to hit him with an example situation. I gave him a hypothetical scenario that is the type of thing that would leave me confused about whether this was God's will, the devil's work, or just human error.

I asked:

Lately I've been trying to discern whether I should homeschool. So let's say I'm driving to a Catholic friend's house to talk about homeschooling, and on the way there, my car breaks down. There are three ways I could approach this situation if I'm trying to do God's will:

a) Look at it as God's will that the car broke down -- perhaps he's trying to show me that homeschooling is not the right path for me or limit my contact with this particular friend;

b) Look at it as a spiritual attack -- perhaps the devil is trying to prevent me from being around my Catholic friend and getting more info about homeschooling;

c) Look at it like it's just a random event, the result of a human error back at the factory, that God had no direct hand in.

His response:

...You might be asking the wrong question.

Maybe the real question isn't what does this mean to my homeschooling decision (maybe something, maybe nothing, how could we know?), but how can THIS incident (the car breaking down) serve God. How can we look to bring good from it?

Maybe, just maybe you really broke down because there is a tow truck driver who is a depressed and has been struggling with faith recently. He is going to come to get your car, and see your bumper sticker that has the name of your church on it, a rosary sitting on the seat, whatever, and he is going to give you an ever so subtle hint that he's in desperate need of spiritual help. And if you are really looking for God's will, really looking to see how you can serve and love him, how you can serve and love others, you'll pick up on it, strike up a conversation, and a relationship might be born that will ultimately lead to this man finding faith. And if you are focused rather on your unrelated question about homeschooling, rather than what does THIS incident mean in and of itself, maybe you'll miss the hint, miss the chance to help.

Or maybe, you are struggling with patience with the children of late, and what God REALLY wants for you to do in this incident is to take the annoyance and inconvenience of breaking down, and not be short with the wee ones even in that stressful circumstance, so you can grow in the virtues you'll need when you are homeschooling them.

Obviously I am just pulling these possibilities out of thin air, but I hope you see what I am weakly attempting to get at. If we are really seeking to live moment to moment in God's will, we won't be asking what does THIS (car breaking down) mean in regards to THAT (homeschooling). That seems to me too much like trying to read tea leaves. Instead we will be asking what does this mean to my relationship with God and others RIGHT NOW.

So if I were in my best state of mind, my own specific response to the hypothetical you offered would be d) none of the above. My own reaction (again, this is speaking hypothetically as if I were a perfect Christian, which I obviously am not) would be to not really ponder what this meant to my homeschooling, or 'where' it came from. Rather to experience that particular moment looking for God in my children, in the tow truck driver, etc. and seeing how I could love and serve Him and them throughout the ordeal.

Then, I'd unhesitatingly reschedule my appointment with my friend. I'd continue reading, learning, and thinking about homeschooling using the gift of reason and intellect that God gave me to make the best decision I can. Likewise, if God wants me to limit my contact with that particular friend, I'll do so based on my experience with my friend. Is my interaction with them producing good fruits for her and me? For our children? That kind of thing.

And finally, if I totally screw up and make the wrong decision on homeschooling or the friend, it will not be because I misread an unintelligible sign based on my car breaking down, but based on me giving my very best to inform myself and prudently taking into account the good of my spouse, my children and myself. And if I continue asking that 'big' question all the way along the line, well, I think that homeschool or not, that will serve them and me better.

Living God's will: do all situations come from God?

My faith took a big leap recently when I discovered the concept of seeking God's will at every moment of every day. I started to see that this was something that all the Saints have in common -- they sought to be completely in tune with God at all times, not just at Mass or during prayer a few times per day -- and I realized that it's something I need to be doing as well.

Needless to say, it doesn't come naturally to me. And I want to make sure I fully understand the concept, because a little information on a subject like this can be dangerous for someone like me -- I can just kind of picture myself sitting on the couch, flipping through a magazine, thinking, "God has not revealed to me that it's his will that I vacuum today."

Reading the advice of the Saints and other great Catholic thinkers was inspiring but left me with a lot of questions -- they make finding God's will for each moment sound so easy! I started to suspect that some of them had some sort of divine earpiece they could just put on to hear the voice of God at all times, like "Turn left. OK, now right. Smile at that lady. Give $1.75 to that beggar."

So, as I sometimes do when I reach a spiritual stumbling block, I decided to send a rambling email with all my questions to one of the clever Catholics I know who's way ahead of me in matters of faith, in this case Steve G. (regular commentor and Resident Et Tu Blog Apologist). We had an interesting email exchange on the subject that I thought I'd share in case anyone else has questions like this...or might perhaps just find my ignorance amusing. :)

I asked:

In the excellent book He Leadeth Me, Fr. Walter Ciszek says, "The circumstances of each day of our lives, of every moment of every day, are provided for us by God." He doesn't seem to account for the work of evil, human error, or randomness. Either he's missing something or I'm missing something. Seeing as how he's the one who had 20 years in a Siberian death camp to pray and think about it, I'm going to go with the latter. What am I missing?

His reply:

It is flatly and undoubtedly so that the circumstances of each moment are provided by God, but perhaps not exactly in the way you are reading it. Let me take a step back and see if I can explain my own understanding.

Think a moment about the composition of the universe, of matter. What is each level of material composed of? Molecules are made up of atoms; atoms are made up of particles. What next? Strings? OK, what then? If we are to avoid the obvious nonsensical infinite regression that materialism offers, we know that at some point (and frankly this freaks me out a bit), everything is literally composed of...nothing (i.e. ex nihilo).

This is a way of looking at the first cause argument that I think is at once more profound and more enlightening. It shows us that really at any given moment, out of nothingness, God is 'creating' all things. The ex-nihilo creation of the universe was not a one time event. The big bang may have been such, but the continued existence of all things is an ongoing creation of God because he wills it. It would all literally collapse into nothing if His will did not hold it in existence.

So, if we set this as the background of Fr. Ciszek's comment we can indeed see that it is true that the circumstances of our lives, every moment of every day are provided by God by simple virtue that existence is provided by God.

I asked:

But surely there are plenty of circumstances we can find ourselves in that are temptations from the devil or at least the result of randomness that results from human free will, right?

His reply:

I'd have to say (in my opinion only), that I wouldn't be able to use the word randomness. If all things are held in existence by His will alone, then it seems hard for me to see any place for true randomness. But the human free will part, yes, I'd absolutely agree with that. That God's will holds all things in existence doesn't necessarily mean that he 'wills' every specific circumstances, rather that he allows for them.

That sounds murky, so let me offer a cheesy example.

Say two children want to play a game of Chutes and Ladders. I provide the goods for them to do so. I provide the game, the table to play on, the chairs, my supervision, the rules, etc. Now, I think it would be accurate to say that I provided for the circumstance of their gaming, but that I could still allow within those circumstances for them to play the game and determine the outcome via the use of their free effort (free will).

Not a great analogy since it totally ignores the issue of omniscience, but hopefully it makes the intended point. That point being that one of the paradoxes here is that indeed God's will holds all things in existence and provides all our circumstance, AND we have the freedom to affect those circumstances as well.


Anyway, I think the most important thing to always keep in mind in trying to wrap our understanding around such things is to ask what is God's overarching will for us.
The goal is this transforming union with God: to know and love Him in this life and the next, and to know and love our neighbor as a direct consequence of that. That is the larger context within which the entirety of our lives takes place.

That larger context should be teaching us in ANY circumstance to ask the question, "How does this, or how can I use this to, help me draw closer to God and neighbor in love?"

MegaMom Interviews: Milehimama's story

I have a fascination with big families. Probably because I am an only child and have almost no first-hand experience with large families, yet I am probably (hopefully) going to have many children of my own, I have a million questions for moms with lots of kids.

Since I know that there are other people out there who share my desire to know more about the day-to-day operations of families with a house full of kids, I decided to start doing email interviews with some of these "megamoms" who are commentors and fellow bloggers.

And who better to kick it off than Milehimama, who has seven children under the age of nine. I asked:

Q: A lot of people in our culture would probably look at how many children you've had in such a short time and wonder what compelled you to sign up for that. Why not, after you had two or three great kids close in age, decide to take a break for a few years to give yourself some time before the next one?

Her response:

I think what it boils down to, is control. I didn't sign up to have as many kids in as short of a time as I could; but I did decide to turn the matter over to God, trusting in Him fully.

This didn't happen right away - when I got married, I had turned my back on the Church (I told people I had survived Catholicism and was never going back). I married a "backslid" Baptist, meaning that he had, at one point, gone to church and been "saved" but now was living as a heathen, so to speak. [...]

Our first two children were born 13 months apart (and our firstborn came along 3 days after our 1st anniversary). When baby #2 was 4 months old, I started working at a pro-life pregnancy center one morning a week, and I got pregnant again. (I wasn't Catholic, but I was pro-life). My husband and I hadn't really discussed birth control (believe it or not!), but working as a counselor at the pregnancy center I decided that I would never go on artificial hormonal birth control.

We had a miscarriage, and people were so cruel! The doctor told me I "already had enough children". I think those two events really changed my heart towards God. I remember during the miscarriage begging God for our baby, but in a very conscious way also submitting - "Thy will be done." I also realized that I really had no control over when babies would, or wouldn't come. I could use birth control to ask God not to bless us with a child, but that's no guarantee.

I could also beg and plead and pray and fast asking for a baby - still no guarantee. So I let it go completely and surrendered myself - "Do with me what thou wilt", as the prayer says.

He can always draw good from bad! That was one of two events that brought me back to the Church. [...]

And so, we surrendered control of our fertility to God. My husband is not Catholic (yet!), and he will usually talk jokingly about getting a vasectomy when I'm pregnant but as soon as the baby's actually here, he doesn't mention it again. I think he's a sucker for the babies too!

Fully surrendering means accepting God's will for our family, whether that means many children, no children, or only a few. In our case, God has blessed us abundantly - but there is another end to marriage, which is sanctification of the spouses. God also uses our children, and situation, to refine us and, if we cooperate, become holier.

We have never used NFP to conceive or delay pregnancy. We don't use anything at all, which is ironic because I know people think of us as proof that NFP doesn't work!

I guess the answer to the question, why not wait and space them further apart, is that God does our family planning. He is infinitely wiser than we are, and loves me, my husband, and our children more than we could ever imagine. I fully trust the He knows what is best for our family. I've given control to Him.

May you be filled with His peace,

Milehimama

[NOTE ON COMMENTS: Milehimama was so kind to take the time to answer my question and so openly share her story for me and my readers, please make sure that any comments or questions are courteous and respectful.]

Great quotes: offering it up

I've been meaning to post more of the inspiring and insightful quotes I come across in all my blog and book reading, and Catholic Mom's latest post is the perfect one to start with. It's a great follow-up to my last post, and something I certainly need to think more about:

[Self-denial] is far easier said than done. There is great satisfaction in loudly lamenting every inconvenience, every trial, and every offense. But how much healthier it is for our spiritual life if we silently accept these hardships and offer our labors as an offering to God? Every act, every thought, every word becomes a prayer. We become increasingly able to die to self and live for God.

- Catholic Mom

Seeking God before seeking the snooze button

=====UPDATE BELOW======

I promise that I will eventually return to writing my own content instead of just linking to Mothers of Many Saints all the time. But Hope has a new post up that I thought was such a good point and just what I needed to hear today that I had to pass it on. She bases her post on this thought from St. Escriva:

Conquer yourself each day from the very first moment, getting up on the dot, at a set time, without granting a single minute to laziness. If with the help of God, you conquer yourself in the moment, you have accomplished a great deal for the rest of the day. It's so discouraging to find yourself beaten in the first skirmish.

Another quote that I need to tattoo on my forehead. Anyway, Hope candidly goes on to write that she was not able to step up to her "heroic moment" this morning, and thus missed that first opportunity we all have to joyfully offer our day to God.

Even though I've technically been trying to live each moment of my days prayerfully in tune with God, it actually hadn't occurred to me to start doing so first thing in the morning. To say that I'm not a morning person is the understatement of the year, and I always sort of think of it like the seeking of God's will starts around 8:30, after I've been up a while and have had some sort of caffeinated beverage.

It makes so much sense, then, that I often have trouble feeling in tune with God for the rest of the day. When my first moments upon waking involve giving in to sloth and indulging in thoughts of self-pity, it can't help but have an influence on the tone of the rest of the day.

So this gives me a lot to think about. Immediately, joyfully turning our thoughts to God...FIRST thing? Like right when the alarm goes off? Even if we feel as energetic and mentally alert as a wet sponge? I'm going to try it tomorrow. I am going to attempt to win that first skirmish, as St. Escriva describes it, and seek God even before I seek the snooze button. We'll see how it goes. I'll report back tomorrow.


=== UPDATE: Sloth 1, Me 0 ===

We had this really crazy night last night involving fire alarms randomly going off, scorpions, and my toddler waking up crying in the middle of the night to ask me who that man was who was looking in his window (just a bad dream, but creepy nonetheless).

When I first awoke, I actually did turn my thoughts to God. I thought, "Thank you God for this day. I'm going to get up in a sec, I'm just going to roll over and put this pillow here over my head for a minute while I pray..." and went back to sleep for 45 minutes. Niiiiice.

This is going to be a lot harder than I thought.

Testify!

Marc is asking people to share their stories of answered prayers, miracles experienced, or other examples of ways God has worked in their lives. I think it's a great idea for a thread, and are already some inspiring stories up.

Prayers for Milehimama

Milehimama is having a tough time -- she's in the difficult process of finding a rental house for her family of nine on last-minute notice, her car just broke down, and now her baby is in the hospital with some concerning symptoms. Please say a prayer for her and drop her a note of support.

Determining child spacing in American culture

More great stuff from Mothers of Many Saints. Hope has a very interesting article where she discusses a recent post by Greg Popcak. In particular, I loved this part about discerning responsible use of NFP and limiting family size:

I think couples, and those who counsel them, must be very careful when discerning what it means to be responsible and prudent and generous regarding the rearing of children. Materially, socially, spiritually, and intellectually, what does it mean to be responsible? Again, this will be something only a couple can decide prayerfully together. It may be that a couple, because of their apostolate, are called to use NFP for much of their marriage and will have only a small family or widely spaced children.

However, we cannot look at the benchmark of the average American family and decide that we're just "not ready" for another baby yet. The truth is, the American culture encourages people to be selfish, materialistic, and way too attached to comforts. If anything, these "attachments" are where the laser beam should be focused, not on faithful families who happen to have many children and are learning to live a less comfortable existence.

This is especially interesting to me at this point in my life. Since I'm about to have three children under the age of three, I've been thinking a lot about child spacing and what seems best in terms of the timing of the next child.

I plan to prayerfully take it day by day, but I'm definitely conscious of the difficulty of accurately discerning God's will in the midst of modern American culture. Obviously I believe it's important that my husband and I be responsible stewards of our fertility and try to avoid pregnancy if it would max us out mentally or financially. Yet, especially in terms of money, I find that it's hard not to look at the rich suburbia that surrounds me and see that as the default way to live, the standard we must look to in terms of determining whether or not we can afford more children at any given point. I often catch myself thinking, "Well, we couldn't cut back on that, that's a necessity"...when "that" is something that 80% of the world lives without every day.

Thanks to Hope for giving me lots to think about!

THE thing vs. MY thing

Well, I was going to get so much done today while my mother-in-law is here to watch the kids, but then I came across the wonderful blog M.O.M.S.: Mothers of Many Saints, and it's so great that I must read their entire archives instead of reconciling bank statements. :)

As a fellow control freak, Hope's post about learning to seek God's will at each moment -- even if it doesn't fit in with her carefully laid out plans -- really resonated with me. She writes about learning the difference between doing her thing, and doing the thing (God's will):

The thing is what is in front of me right now. See, my thing might be a plan to get my phone calls made during a certain time of the day or to get the baby down for a nap, but the thing may be to change a really bad diaper or to comfort a neighbor who shows up at the door. My thing may be to work on the laundry because it desperately needs attention, but the thing may be to spend a little extra time with my six year old who's feeling a little picked on and left out. My thing may be to get in a little time on the computer or make a phone call, but the thing may be to give my husband some attention and conversation.

Great points. Also, don't miss the quote from St. Escriva she begins with. I think I need to tattoo that on my forehead.

I love to talk about books, part II

Thanks for the tag, Stephanie! I think I even have enough time to include links this time. :)


Six works of non-fiction everyone should read:

I'm cheating. I haven't read a fiction book in so long that I'm going to mention six non-fiction books instead of three fiction and three non-fiction.

1. The Catechism of the Catholic Church
I think my life would have been a lot different if I'd come across a copy of the Catechism when I was younger. Chesterton once observed that people don't hate the Catholic Church, they hate what they perceive the Catholic Church to be (anyone have that exact quote?) I know that when, based on the prodding of my commentors, I finally read about what, exactly, the Church believes and the reasoning behind it, I knew immediately that I had discovered truth in all its fullness.

2. Endurance by Alfred Lansing
I got this book after asking readers on an old blog of mine what the best book they ever read was. More than one person recommended this one, so I got it. And, indeed, this harrowing true story of the survival of the crew of the Endurance on its Antarctic voyage is one of the very best books I've ever read. Not only is it a gripping story, but it speaks so much about human nature, leadership, happiness, etc. You must read this. [Be SURE to get the version by *Lansing* since there are multiple books about this story with the same title.]

3. He Leadeth Me by Fr. Walter Ciszek
I just finished this stunning account of Fr. Ciszek's unjust imprisonment in Russia, and it was nothing short of life-changing. What was most surprising to me was how applicable the lessons he learned are to modern American life. His insights about discerning and seeking God's will and trusting God in all things that he discovered during five straight years of solitary confinement and fifteen years in a Siberian death camp are amazingly inspiring, whether you're experiencing great suffering or just feeling numbed by the daily grind. I particularly loved his thoughts on how to keep your faith alive in the midst of the humdrum, the mundane and the boring. A must-read.

4. Journey to Easter by Pope Benedict XVI
Another recent read, this also has become one of my favorite books. Based on a Lenten retreat he gave for John Paul II in the '80s, Pope Benedict XVI walks us through a series of meditations based on scripture readings for Lent (BTW, how's that for pressure: being in charge of a spiritual retreat to help JPII grow in his faith!) I admit that there were two or three chapters that were just kind of over my head, but the rest of the book offered powerful insights on everything from prayer to the Paschal mystery to conversion to the Church. I can't really lend my copy to anyone because it's so marked up with underlines and stars and dog-eared pages.

5. Any book by Dave Ramsey
I've become a big fan of Dave Ramsey. I'd heard his name and wrote him off as yet another face in the crowd of home budget talking heads, but after hearing friend after friend rave about how they turned their financial lives around with the help of his advice, I decided to read his book Financial Peace Revisited. And though it's not rocket science, his easy-to-understand, tough-love advice really motivated me to make some great changes in our personal finances.

6. Eating Well for Optimum Health by Dr. Andrew Weil
This book inspired me to take my diet more seriously. Harvard-trained Dr. Weil manages to give specific details about why certain types of foods (e.g. trans fats) are bad for you without making it too overwhelming. His lays out his case for healthy eating, holistic medicine and natural foods in a reasonable, clear way, and his passion for the subject is contagious.


Three authors everyone should read:

1. Any of the great saints (e.g. St. Francis de Sales, St. Augustine, etc.)
2. Pope Benedict XVI
3. Scott Hahn


Three books no one should read:

I'll offer more than three and just say: any parenting books (except one, which I mention below). After my first child was born I went through a phase where I voraciously read everything from the Sears to the Baby Whisperer to Ezzo to Rosemond, et. al. Almost all parenting books proclaim their "one size fits all" advice to be the only philosophy that parents should use, and some [picture me coughing *doctorsears* into my fist] go so far as to strongly imply that you must not be a very loving parent if you don't subscribe to their beliefs.

I didn't realize how much the rigid mentality of all these experts had seeped into my subconscious until I came across the one parenting book I really, really love, Dr. Ray Guarendi's You're a Better Parent Than You Think. Guarendi states the obvious fact that there's not one right way to be a parent, that making an informed decision about what your philosophy is and then being a leader and sticking to it is what counts. It's such an obvious message, but one that had been lost to me after all my parenting book reading.


Once again, I would like to tag my commentors who don't have blogs. If you're up to it, leave your answers in the comments. (Many of my favorite books have been recommended to me by my commentors when we talk about books -- I read each comment and add many of the recommendations to my Wish List).

I love to talk about books, part I

Christine tagged me with this book meme. Thanks!


How many books do you own?

Oh, man. Based on the fact that I cannot seem to get all our book boxes unpacked after being in this house for almost two months now, I'd have to estimate it at around a zillion.


Book(s) I am reading now:

I tend to read two books at once, and "upstairs book" and a "downstairs book". My downstairs books is something easy and light that I keep around to read while the kids are playing outside or something. My upstairs book is what I read at night, usually something more serious.

1. (Downstairs book): Financial Peace Revisited by Dave Ramsey

2. (Upstairs book): Augustine: Major Writings by Benedict Groeschel

I also have Finding God's Will for You by St. Francis de Sales and The Gift of Faith by Tadeusz Dajczer on the way for my upstairs books, and On Food and Cooking: The Science and Lore of the Kitchen by Harold McGee for my next downstairs book. I am very, VERY excited about reading all of these.


Books I've Read Recently

1. Journey to Easter by Pope Benedict XVI

2. He Leadeth Me by Fr. Walter Ciszek

3. The Lessons of Saint Francis: How to Bring Simplicity and Spirituality into Your Daily Life by John Michael Talbot

4. The Oxford History of the Crusades


Books that Mean a Lot to Me

I'm not exactly sure what this question means, but I'll take a stab at it:

1. The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel: I have a special place in my heart for this book because it kicked off my investigation into Christianity. For whatever reason I had the silly impression that all modern Christian authors wrote goofy, emotion-based books that didn't appeal to logic or reason, and this book made me wake up and realize that that was not the case at all.

2. Fertility, Cycles and Nutrition by Marilyn Shannon: This is the most worn-out, dog-eared book in my entire library. I've found it to be an invaluable source of inspiration and information when I've had various medical issues come up.

3. Saving Dinner the Low Carb Way: This is the book that got me started cooking dinner on a regular basis. Also, unintentionally, my husband, mother and I all lost weight with these recipes. I love it because it cuts out processed, overly carb-y food without cutting out good carbs like veggies and other natural foods.

4. Domestic Tranquility by Carolyn Graglia: I came across this book when I was still a self-proclaimed feminist who thought that having kids sounded like the worst thing in the world. I actually don't remember the details of what Graglia discusses, but I remember thinking that she had some interesting points and pained a picture of life as a housewife that made it seem not half bad. It was the first "conservative" book I ever read, and it opened my mind to a lot of new ideas that I hadn't considered before.



I would like to tag my commentors who don't have blogs. If you're up to it, leave your answers in the comments. (Many of my favorite books have been recommended to me by my commentors when we talk about books -- I read each comment and add many of the recommendations to my Wish List).