Easter Vigil, one year later
How could a reasonable person living in the 21st century actually believe that at the Catholic Mass, bread and wine are truly (like, not symbolically) changed into the body, blood, soul and divinity of Jesus Christ?
This was one of my biggest stumbling blocks when considering Catholicism (notice that “Christ’s real presence in the Eucharist” was conspicuously absent from the “five Catholic teachings that just kinda made sense to me” list). When I first heard that the Church still believes that the Mass makes Christ’s one sacrifice at Calvary present here and now, that the bread and wine is seriously turned into the flesh and blood of God himself, I prayerfully thought: “Are you kidding me?” I thought I must be missing something. I’d never heard a more bold, audacious claim made by a modern religion.
There was a part of me that kept hoping I’d find that it was all a misunderstanding, that Catholics were only required to believe that the consecration of the Eucharist was a really, really, really important symbolic event, that all that crazy talk about drinking blood and eating flesh was just some old fashioned superstition that us enlightened modern folks weren’t required to believe. I was a lifelong atheist, after all. It was enough of a feat that I even came to believe in God in the first place. It was enough of a leap of faith for me to believe that some miracles might have happened a few times throughout history. But to ask a former militant atheist to believe that a miracle happens at every single Catholic Mass, that bread and wine are actually changed into the flesh and blood of Jesus Christ despite the fact that they look exactly the same…it seemed too much to ask.
It is surprising, then, that as I sit down to write my reflections for this Easter Vigil, when I think about all that has happened in this first year since my husband and I entered the Catholic Church, as I marvel at how different this year has been than any before, I find that there is really only one thing to talk about: the Eucharist.
For my one-year anniversary post I could try to pen a great ode proclaiming my joy at having come to know God on a level I never imagined possible for someone like me; I could write about the challenges we’ve faced, and the oasis that our newfound faith provided for us when we felt cast out into the desert; I could have my husband do a guest post about the transformation he’s seen in me (and in himself) in the past year; I could talk about how my role in Christ’s sacrifice is finally real to me; I could say something about how my life is unrecognizable from what it was only a few years ago. But when I started to write on each of those topics, I realized that each one of them — everything, really — comes back to the Eucharist.
Though God certainly could work in my life if I didn’t receive the Blessed Sacrament (as he did tremendously before I became Catholic), the way he’s slowly but steadily infiltrated my body and soul since I began to receive him physically at Communion is something new — I am united with him now in a way I was not before.
To be honest, I am surprised by this.
When I received my first Communion at Easter Vigil last year I had come to accept that the teaching on the real presence of Christ in the Eucharist is true. Or, perhaps more accurately, I was willing to accept on faith that it was not false. I was undoubtedly being led to the Catholic Church, and found its defense of this teaching to be solid and compelling, so I trusted that it was true in some mysterious way, even though I didn’t really get it. That was the best I could do, and I never expected to understand it any more than that. Even as the months have rolled by, after receiving Communion week after week, I still don’t know how it works. I don’t even have a visceral reaction when I first see the consecrated host held above the altar, and don’t think I ever felt the Holy Spirit hit me like a ton of bricks the moment the consecrated host was placed on my tongue. And yet, despite the lack of immediate emotions, despite the fact that I can’t tell you exactly how it all works…I believe now with all my heart that it is true. I know that I eat the flesh and drink the blood of God at the Mass, and that it is the source of my strength.
I know it for the same reason a baby knows that its mother’s milk is the source of its nourishment: the baby can’t tell you how the milk is created by the release of prolactin and the cells in the alveoli. He can’t tell you about the importance of immunoglobulin IgA and fat-to-water ratios. He couldn’t even begin to understand how and why the milk nourishes him if you tried to explain it. He just knows how very much he needs it. He knows that the mysterious substance that his mother gives him is the source of his strength as much as he knows anything at all in his little life. And so it is with me and the Eucharist.
This belief in and love of the Eucharist is the most surprising thing that’s ever happened to me. Never in my dreams would I have thought that I could believe such an incredible, outlandish claim. On some occasions I have even taken a step back to look at it all as objectively as possible, to set everything aside and honestly ask myself if this is all in my head, if perhaps I am eating bread and drinking wine at the Mass, but that its great symbolic value has led me to put myself in a different state of mind. And all I can come up with is this:
If this is a symbol, then I am insane.
It’s not Tolkien, but that’s about the best I can do. The way this Sacrament has slowly transformed my soul and given me a connection to God that I never knew before, the way I could easily move myself to tears at the thought of not being able to receive it, the strength I have drawn from having this direct communion with God…if these things are not real, then nothing is.
As I reflect back on this year and compare it to years past, the whole story of my life comes together in a very simple way: I realize now that my entire conversion process, really, my entire life, was one long search for the Eucharist.