Comments on: Putting our lives on hold http://www.conversiondiary.com/2008/04/putting-our-lives-on-hold.html Sun, 12 Feb 2012 04:43:04 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 By: My answer to “Do you want more children?” | Conversion Diary http://www.conversiondiary.com/2008/04/putting-our-lives-on-hold.html/comment-page-1#comment-23766 My answer to “Do you want more children?” | Conversion Diary Wed, 20 Oct 2010 05:02:05 +0000 http://gator1217.hostgator.com/~fulwiler/2008/04/putting-our-lives-on-hold.html#comment-23766 [...] control over my life to go do it, I’d finally have lasting happiness. I was shocked when I found out that that assumption was wrong. I was more shocked when I realized what is the path to lasting happiness: serving [...] [...] control over my life to go do it, I’d finally have lasting happiness. I was shocked when I found out that that assumption was wrong. I was more shocked when I realized what is the path to lasting happiness: serving [...]

]]> By: Christi http://www.conversiondiary.com/2008/04/putting-our-lives-on-hold.html/comment-page-1#comment-7002 Christi Fri, 04 Jul 2008 00:49:00 +0000 http://gator1217.hostgator.com/~fulwiler/2008/04/putting-our-lives-on-hold.html#comment-7002 I'm a frequent reader of your blog and must've missed this one when you posted it--just came across it now.<br/>I just wanted to say a few things.<br/>First, I think by allowing ourselves to be served we're allowing others to do what they are meant to do. <br/>About the topic of when people begin to age and need more assistance: My grandmother has been ill with alzheimers for the last ten years. She lived with my parents for about 8 years (before the onset of her illness) after my grandfather died. The last two years she lived there, fluctuations in her personality made the situation very difficult. In retrospect my parents realized that it must've been the beginning of her illness. After an accident and needed surgery she was no longer able to live in my parents home, because proper care was not available. She then moved into an assisted living facility. A few years later, she needed more care and was moved into a catholic nursing home. All I can say is that all these painful decisions were made with love, always thinking ultimately what would be the best for her. During all these years, I have been able to see a side of my grandmother that never emerged before her illness. She became very affectionate and very smiley and happy. ALthough she lost her memory and eventually her ability to speak, all the visitors knew her by name because she became so social. Not only has this process given us as a family another side of her to experience but has also allowed us to fulfill our duties as children of God, Christians, to "serve" our neighbor. She has NEVER been a burden to me. Now that she has been in hospice care for two months and I know her days on earth are numbered, I am grateful that I have been able to be there and care for her all these years. It's only natural to serve those we love! I’m a frequent reader of your blog and must’ve missed this one when you posted it–just came across it now.
I just wanted to say a few things.
First, I think by allowing ourselves to be served we’re allowing others to do what they are meant to do.
About the topic of when people begin to age and need more assistance: My grandmother has been ill with alzheimers for the last ten years. She lived with my parents for about 8 years (before the onset of her illness) after my grandfather died. The last two years she lived there, fluctuations in her personality made the situation very difficult. In retrospect my parents realized that it must’ve been the beginning of her illness. After an accident and needed surgery she was no longer able to live in my parents home, because proper care was not available. She then moved into an assisted living facility. A few years later, she needed more care and was moved into a catholic nursing home. All I can say is that all these painful decisions were made with love, always thinking ultimately what would be the best for her. During all these years, I have been able to see a side of my grandmother that never emerged before her illness. She became very affectionate and very smiley and happy. ALthough she lost her memory and eventually her ability to speak, all the visitors knew her by name because she became so social. Not only has this process given us as a family another side of her to experience but has also allowed us to fulfill our duties as children of God, Christians, to “serve” our neighbor. She has NEVER been a burden to me. Now that she has been in hospice care for two months and I know her days on earth are numbered, I am grateful that I have been able to be there and care for her all these years. It’s only natural to serve those we love!

]]> By: mamazee http://www.conversiondiary.com/2008/04/putting-our-lives-on-hold.html/comment-page-1#comment-6259 mamazee Wed, 28 May 2008 01:06:00 +0000 http://gator1217.hostgator.com/~fulwiler/2008/04/putting-our-lives-on-hold.html#comment-6259 My parents and inlaws are the same, despite our continual reassurance that we would love to be their home when the time comes (which won't for quite awhile...)...<br/>On the other hand, one thing my mom and sisters (i have two) are practicing saying to one another is "I feel blessed" - this is instead of "you shouldn't have!" or "no, i couldn't possibly..." :) - it's sooooo hard to let someone else bless you, but it is good for us to bless others, and good for others to bless us, too... :)... so we are practicing "I am blessed" as a more gracious way of just giving thanks and allowing others to do the thoughtful things they have in mind... My parents and inlaws are the same, despite our continual reassurance that we would love to be their home when the time comes (which won’t for quite awhile…)…
On the other hand, one thing my mom and sisters (i have two) are practicing saying to one another is “I feel blessed” – this is instead of “you shouldn’t have!” or “no, i couldn’t possibly…” :) – it’s sooooo hard to let someone else bless you, but it is good for us to bless others, and good for others to bless us, too… :) … so we are practicing “I am blessed” as a more gracious way of just giving thanks and allowing others to do the thoughtful things they have in mind…

]]> By: Karen E. http://www.conversiondiary.com/2008/04/putting-our-lives-on-hold.html/comment-page-1#comment-6031 Karen E. Sat, 03 May 2008 13:24:00 +0000 http://gator1217.hostgator.com/~fulwiler/2008/04/putting-our-lives-on-hold.html#comment-6031 Beautiful post, Jen. Beautiful post, Jen.

]]> By: lp http://www.conversiondiary.com/2008/04/putting-our-lives-on-hold.html/comment-page-1#comment-6027 lp Sat, 03 May 2008 02:42:00 +0000 http://gator1217.hostgator.com/~fulwiler/2008/04/putting-our-lives-on-hold.html#comment-6027 What a wonderful, thoughtful post!<br/><br/>It made me think of a couple of things:<br/><br/>First, I can remember the day I consciously decided to stop worrying so much about myself and start taking care of those around me. I was at my grandparents' house for a get-together with our extended family, which I usually enjoy greatly.<br/><br/>However, our first baby was about 6 months old and was being quite fussy. (He still doesn't like large crowds of people, several years later!) So while everyone else was catching up with the cousins, aunts, and uncles that we don't see so often anymore, I was spending the day jiggling the baby on my hip and having occasional snippets of conversation when I wasn't pacing outside, where it was quieter and my little guy was calmer.<br/><br/>After several hours, I was feeling quite sorry for myself, and was feeling very burdened by the fact that *I* was the only one who had any chance of keeping my son calm. I was half-wishing that some fairy godmother would swoop in at that point to relieve me, or at least reassure me that some day the baby would grow out of this fussiness.<br/><br/>And I suddenly realized that of course there would be no fairy godmother, but that there was . . . me. That I could continue internally moaning and complaining, or I could do everything in my own power to make the day as comfortable as possible for my baby. And as soon as I decided to focus on him instead of on me, the whole day went more smoothly.<br/><br/>Eventually, I realized that not only could I do this for my kids, but for my husband, extended family, acquaintances, passing strangers--everyone, really.<br/><br/>It wasn't until my third son was born this past summer (yes, I'm pretty slow at figuring this out!) that I realized that although I have very little control over what happens in the course of the day, I have complete control over how I respond to those events.<br/><br/>So, in those first few months of infancy, when I couldn't remember the last time I'd had more than four (nonconsecutive) hours of sleep, but that didn't stop my two preschoolers from waking up energetically with the dawn, I had two choices. I could grumble, complain, and snap at them . . . or I could smile and try to make the day as pleasant as possible for them (and brew a strong cup of coffee!).<br/><br/>The thing that was really a revelation to me last summer was that this decision had absolutely nothing to do with my emotional state. I was free to decide to act cheerfully no matter how grumpy and exhausted I felt. My free will was not at all subject to my emotions.<br/><br/>And, predictably, I found that when I stopped thinking about how tired *I* was and how everyone seemed to need *me* to do things for them, and focused instead on how to make the day as fun as possible for *them*, I found that my emotions followed along, and soon I was feeling more cheery myself. That's what was counterintuitive about the whole thing--the only way I could cheer myself up was to stop thinking about . . . myself.<br/><br/>I hasten to add that I am still really, really bad at remembering to do this on a daily basis! My default setting is still to go with the emotions.<br/><br/>Second, and on a completely different angle, this post reminded me of the discussion about communities a few weeks ago. Perhaps we have all become so self-reliant that we have come to view communities as superfluous. We don't want to "burden" others with our troubles, so we hide behind a veil of privacy. And because we all protect our own privacy, people don't want to invade that privacy by offering help. Somehow we have lost the rituals, the etiquette, the art of sharing life's burdens together.<br/><br/>I think part of the problem is that we all know people who complain too much--with whom you can't have a conversation without hearing a list of ailments and family troubles--and we fear becoming "like them." However, I think there must be a way of sharing troubles humbly, not in a "woe is me" way, but in a "life is hard for everyone" kind of way. What a wonderful, thoughtful post!

It made me think of a couple of things:

First, I can remember the day I consciously decided to stop worrying so much about myself and start taking care of those around me. I was at my grandparents’ house for a get-together with our extended family, which I usually enjoy greatly.

However, our first baby was about 6 months old and was being quite fussy. (He still doesn’t like large crowds of people, several years later!) So while everyone else was catching up with the cousins, aunts, and uncles that we don’t see so often anymore, I was spending the day jiggling the baby on my hip and having occasional snippets of conversation when I wasn’t pacing outside, where it was quieter and my little guy was calmer.

After several hours, I was feeling quite sorry for myself, and was feeling very burdened by the fact that *I* was the only one who had any chance of keeping my son calm. I was half-wishing that some fairy godmother would swoop in at that point to relieve me, or at least reassure me that some day the baby would grow out of this fussiness.

And I suddenly realized that of course there would be no fairy godmother, but that there was . . . me. That I could continue internally moaning and complaining, or I could do everything in my own power to make the day as comfortable as possible for my baby. And as soon as I decided to focus on him instead of on me, the whole day went more smoothly.

Eventually, I realized that not only could I do this for my kids, but for my husband, extended family, acquaintances, passing strangers–everyone, really.

It wasn’t until my third son was born this past summer (yes, I’m pretty slow at figuring this out!) that I realized that although I have very little control over what happens in the course of the day, I have complete control over how I respond to those events.

So, in those first few months of infancy, when I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had more than four (nonconsecutive) hours of sleep, but that didn’t stop my two preschoolers from waking up energetically with the dawn, I had two choices. I could grumble, complain, and snap at them . . . or I could smile and try to make the day as pleasant as possible for them (and brew a strong cup of coffee!).

The thing that was really a revelation to me last summer was that this decision had absolutely nothing to do with my emotional state. I was free to decide to act cheerfully no matter how grumpy and exhausted I felt. My free will was not at all subject to my emotions.

And, predictably, I found that when I stopped thinking about how tired *I* was and how everyone seemed to need *me* to do things for them, and focused instead on how to make the day as fun as possible for *them*, I found that my emotions followed along, and soon I was feeling more cheery myself. That’s what was counterintuitive about the whole thing–the only way I could cheer myself up was to stop thinking about . . . myself.

I hasten to add that I am still really, really bad at remembering to do this on a daily basis! My default setting is still to go with the emotions.

Second, and on a completely different angle, this post reminded me of the discussion about communities a few weeks ago. Perhaps we have all become so self-reliant that we have come to view communities as superfluous. We don’t want to “burden” others with our troubles, so we hide behind a veil of privacy. And because we all protect our own privacy, people don’t want to invade that privacy by offering help. Somehow we have lost the rituals, the etiquette, the art of sharing life’s burdens together.

I think part of the problem is that we all know people who complain too much–with whom you can’t have a conversation without hearing a list of ailments and family troubles–and we fear becoming “like them.” However, I think there must be a way of sharing troubles humbly, not in a “woe is me” way, but in a “life is hard for everyone” kind of way.

]]> By: Jen http://www.conversiondiary.com/2008/04/putting-our-lives-on-hold.html/comment-page-1#comment-5984 Jen Thu, 01 May 2008 20:12:00 +0000 http://gator1217.hostgator.com/~fulwiler/2008/04/putting-our-lives-on-hold.html#comment-5984 I cannot even tell you what this post did for me. As a convert, and a woman who has grown up in this secular world and lives according to it's rules and promises, I have asked God for the grace to understand this "dying to self" and "vocation of love." Through my children and husband, I am understanding it bit by bit, day by day, but in small pieces. Your post said what I've been trying to wrap my brain (and heart) around for almost ten years. Your family member feels the way I've often felt. I didn't want to be a burden on anyone. I don't want my kids or my husband, or mother, father, sister, brother, to ever feel that way. I want them to know that they are loved. It's so very hard to think of others and not yourself. It's a hard balance to make sure you take care of yourself so that you can take good care of others, and not become to self focused, or self centered. May we all pray for the grace to find that balance. I cannot even tell you what this post did for me. As a convert, and a woman who has grown up in this secular world and lives according to it’s rules and promises, I have asked God for the grace to understand this “dying to self” and “vocation of love.” Through my children and husband, I am understanding it bit by bit, day by day, but in small pieces. Your post said what I’ve been trying to wrap my brain (and heart) around for almost ten years. Your family member feels the way I’ve often felt. I didn’t want to be a burden on anyone. I don’t want my kids or my husband, or mother, father, sister, brother, to ever feel that way. I want them to know that they are loved. It’s so very hard to think of others and not yourself. It’s a hard balance to make sure you take care of yourself so that you can take good care of others, and not become to self focused, or self centered. May we all pray for the grace to find that balance.

]]> By: Jackie B http://www.conversiondiary.com/2008/04/putting-our-lives-on-hold.html/comment-page-1#comment-5982 Jackie B Thu, 01 May 2008 15:21:00 +0000 http://gator1217.hostgator.com/~fulwiler/2008/04/putting-our-lives-on-hold.html#comment-5982 Beautifully put... helps me deal with my own father in law's attitude towards this same situation. "No, no", he says, "just stick me in a home somewhere; take care of your mother, though." What???!!! He doesn't understand what it would do to my conscience to "stick him" anywhere! Makes total sense though when you take into consideration that he is very much a "me" guy. Beautifully put… helps me deal with my own father in law’s attitude towards this same situation. “No, no”, he says, “just stick me in a home somewhere; take care of your mother, though.” What???!!! He doesn’t understand what it would do to my conscience to “stick him” anywhere! Makes total sense though when you take into consideration that he is very much a “me” guy.

]]> By: Amber http://www.conversiondiary.com/2008/04/putting-our-lives-on-hold.html/comment-page-1#comment-5981 Amber Thu, 01 May 2008 05:19:00 +0000 http://gator1217.hostgator.com/~fulwiler/2008/04/putting-our-lives-on-hold.html#comment-5981 This reminds me so much of my Grandmother... last year she was quite ill and in it my father and uncle pretty much forced her to sell her condo and move into an assisted living place. The place is nice and all, but it isn't her home. She recovered perfectly well, and while she needs a little help here and there, it is more care than her sons are willing to give her... and she doesn't want to be a burden on anyone so she doesn't want to ask for any help. Not long after this all happened she was talking about how guilty she felt that we all helped go through her condo and move her into the new place - but we all did it out of love of this wonderful woman, not out of anything else. She even said that she sometimes wished she had died during her illness to save everyone the bother of having to do all that they do to help her. Not that this is even all that much...<br/><br/>And then on the other hand you have my mother's parents who were perfectly happy to become as much of a burden as possible on anyone who would take care of them. There was no sense of gratitude either, just pickiness, grumpiness, and general whining about everything. My mom tried to have them live with her for several months, but there was such a lack on their end to try and make anything easier on my mom that in the end she had to find somewhere to have them or go off the deep end. I'm not sure what I would have done in her place, but it seems that a relationship like that needs some gratitude or something from the person being cared for if it is going to work at all.<br/><br/>Both my parents and my in-laws talk about not wanting to be a burden on anyone as they get older, but I hope that they will let me help them and not push me away. At least they are all nicer people than my maternal grandparents ever were! This reminds me so much of my Grandmother… last year she was quite ill and in it my father and uncle pretty much forced her to sell her condo and move into an assisted living place. The place is nice and all, but it isn’t her home. She recovered perfectly well, and while she needs a little help here and there, it is more care than her sons are willing to give her… and she doesn’t want to be a burden on anyone so she doesn’t want to ask for any help. Not long after this all happened she was talking about how guilty she felt that we all helped go through her condo and move her into the new place – but we all did it out of love of this wonderful woman, not out of anything else. She even said that she sometimes wished she had died during her illness to save everyone the bother of having to do all that they do to help her. Not that this is even all that much…

And then on the other hand you have my mother’s parents who were perfectly happy to become as much of a burden as possible on anyone who would take care of them. There was no sense of gratitude either, just pickiness, grumpiness, and general whining about everything. My mom tried to have them live with her for several months, but there was such a lack on their end to try and make anything easier on my mom that in the end she had to find somewhere to have them or go off the deep end. I’m not sure what I would have done in her place, but it seems that a relationship like that needs some gratitude or something from the person being cared for if it is going to work at all.

Both my parents and my in-laws talk about not wanting to be a burden on anyone as they get older, but I hope that they will let me help them and not push me away. At least they are all nicer people than my maternal grandparents ever were!

]]> By: Tertium Quid http://www.conversiondiary.com/2008/04/putting-our-lives-on-hold.html/comment-page-1#comment-5980 Tertium Quid Thu, 01 May 2008 04:29:00 +0000 http://gator1217.hostgator.com/~fulwiler/2008/04/putting-our-lives-on-hold.html#comment-5980 After Russell Kirk died, his daughter was asked about the "burden" of taking care of her sick father. She replied that it was not a burden but a privilege. After Russell Kirk died, his daughter was asked about the “burden” of taking care of her sick father. She replied that it was not a burden but a privilege.

]]> By: SteveK http://www.conversiondiary.com/2008/04/putting-our-lives-on-hold.html/comment-page-1#comment-5979 SteveK Thu, 01 May 2008 04:12:00 +0000 http://gator1217.hostgator.com/~fulwiler/2008/04/putting-our-lives-on-hold.html#comment-5979 <i>it reflects a worldview in which well-meaning people like my relative believe that the best thing they can do for their loved-ones is to not burden them with their presence, where the very meaning of life has been twisted to suck love out of the world.</i><br/><br/>When people I know and love offer to help me I try (keyword) to remember that 'no thanks' isn't the best response. I don't want to be responsible for denying them the joy and blessing they would have received by helping, and I don't want to miss out on loving them all the more for helping me. It's a win-win for everyone. it reflects a worldview in which well-meaning people like my relative believe that the best thing they can do for their loved-ones is to not burden them with their presence, where the very meaning of life has been twisted to suck love out of the world.

When people I know and love offer to help me I try (keyword) to remember that ‘no thanks’ isn’t the best response. I don’t want to be responsible for denying them the joy and blessing they would have received by helping, and I don’t want to miss out on loving them all the more for helping me. It’s a win-win for everyone.

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