"I sought but I didn’t find. Now what?"
I occasionally hear from people who say that “seek and ye shall find” didn’t work for them. They explain that they prayed, read the Bible, researched, asked Jesus to help them, opened their hearts and minds, etc. but didn’t end up any closer to belief. A commenter named Amy once summarized it eloquently in the comments to a post about doubt when she wrote:
Finding faith in 5 steps didn’t work for me [referring to this post], nor did finding faith in 20 steps. I sincerely, truly tried. I prayed. I asked others to pray for me. I sought humility. I went on not only a cynicism fast, but a complete media fasts more than once (no internet, no radio, no tv, no reading, no writing). I cried myself to sleep on more than one occasion, begging God to help me. I spoke to priests. I blogged. I attended Mass several days a week. I signed up for RCIA. I went to adoration. I read books. I went on retreat at a monastery…
I’m at the point now where I don’t even believe that God, if God exists, has any interaction with humans at all, and to me the question of God has become irrelevant, let alone Christianity. I assure you, it is not a place I wanted to end up, but I am coming to terms with it.
I had to smile when commenter Destry offered her own wry summary in response to this post:
Reaching out to Jesus feels like hearing that some guy likes you and wants to get to know you, but never calls. You sit by the phone, wondering what you did wrong.
First of all, a big thanks to Amy, Destry and everyone else who has offered perspectives like this. It takes courage to talk about this sort of thing, and I’m honored that you shared your experiences with us. I assure you all of my prayers, wherever your journey takes you.
Since this is a blog about conversion, I thought this would be a good subject to bring up. I’m going to write a post about it soon, but first wanted to offer a chance for others to share their thoughts: For those of you who are believers, what would you say to someone who says, “I sought, but I didn’t find”?
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Stop trying so hard. I know it's cliched but it's so true. Stop looking and start living your life with a mere openness to God. Give love and kindness freely and abundantly. Pray prayers of thanksgiving: be thankful for the flower in the crack of the sidewalk, be thankful for the rains that nourish the earth. God IS there, but we can't command him to show up in exactly the ways we expect, and maybe, sometimes we're so focused on the rules, regulations and steps we aren't open to the experience.
In a way, this question, though very important, is dangerous because we need to take care NOT to reflexively assume, as Job's "friends" did, that people who look for God and struggle to find Him must be in a state of sin that is "blocking" Him.
So, what I think I WOULD say to someone in this situation is: 1) I will keep you in my prayers (and then actually do it as regularly as possible, perhaps even fasting or adding some other private sacrifice) and 2) God has His own timing. When He knows the time is right, you will find Him. The best thing you can do is keep open to Him by loving as best you can.
I'm sure this response is inadequate in some way, but that's probably a start.
1 John 4:19
"We love Him because He first loved us."
Do you love Him? If you do, it is because He loves you.
Don't chase a certain presupposed feeling you are supposed to have, imagining some unknown ecstatic experience. God is sovereign.
Rest in His sovereignty.
I'm very hesitant to comment, because I'm no expert in this. But having come out of a fairly prolonged dry spell recently, I guess two things really stuck in my mind:
1. Act as if it is true (credit to Phillip Yancey who got me on to this). Go through the motions. Read psalms. Read prayers. Keep going to church. For me it was reading morning and/or evening prayer from the Anglican Prayer book. Often it felt a bit artificial or forced, but it also seems (from this end) like the advice I give my 5- and 3-year-old children if they get lost: "Stay put and wait – Daddy will find you".
2. Something that C. S. Lewis wrote in "the Screwtape Letters" (the speaker is Screwtape, the senior devil):
Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.
To those who did not find, I'm really sorry. Keep looking. Maybe He knocked but you didn't hear? Keep praying. Pray like He exists.
Also, I've been meaning to post this for sometime: Thanks Jennifer for this blog. You and http://docisinblog.com/ were huge in re-converting a Catholic gone Athiest back to Catholicism. A couple years ago I decided just to try praying like God existed. I figured even if HE didn't, it wouldn't hurt… it would be like miuttering to myself
Let's just say that one night, while in a deep black pit of emptiness and despair, He left me no doubt he existed and my life has been richer ever since.
Keep praying. Sometimes it just takes a bit to get an answer you recognize…like the person who loves you but you've been to blind and self absorbed to notice.
If you know in your heart that you are a sinner and that only Christ can forgive you and if you have asked Him to forgive you, and to take control of your life, then you are a Christian. You will, however, be unique Christian with your own journey. My advice would be to focus on just loving God and getting to know Him, much like you would a new friend. Try to view going to mass and adoration as an opportunity to get to know this new someone, not as an experiment to see if they exist.
Here is a weird example. Suppose you are told that someone you've always wanted to talk to will call you on a certain day. You will only have an hour to spend with this person. What do you do? You think about what you want to talk about, maybe read up on what they've written or what's been written about them. You clear your schedule and your mind of all other thoughts so that you can focus just on that person. But what you probably do not do is spend your hour together trying to figure out if it is really him. Why? Because you choose to accept on faith that that person is who he says he is.
I lost my faith when I was about 12 and didn't fully come back to it until I was 32. And I'm still on the journey. I can still pray very fervently Lord I believe, help my unbelief! Some days I believe very little, some days doubts outweigh the belief (though this is getting less and less the case over the years. I'm almost 50). I wonder what the poster was expecting? Did she have a preconceived idea of what faith was going to feel like and that didn't happen so she got more and more of an empty feeling making her feel more and more disappointed?
And why would you need to fast from media to discover one's faith? Faith should not require a withdrawal from the world. I think that little fact could be very telling.
Anyway, I will pray for this woman. Maybe when she isn't looking faith will sneak up on her and surprise her! She should remember she gets points for trying! I think of Mother Teresa and how she suffered for so many years yet remained faithful. Perseverance is an underrated virtue!
Wow – what an excellent topic! And I'd also like to commend your other commenters for their openness and honesty. As you say, that takes real courage.
What made everything come together for me was being willing to believe. My sticking point was the Real Presence in the Eucharist. I just couldn't get my head round it, let alone believe it. Eventually I told God that I was willing to believe it if it was true but that He'd have to do something because I couldn't create a belief myself – believe me, I'd tried!
Then I went on to behave 'as if' I believed. And an indefinable something inside of me changed and, gradually, I came to believe.
Today I know what I believe is true. I don't need to think and agonise and remember. It just is. And, when I got to that stage, I knew it was time to go to RCIA. With every class I go to or Mass or personal prayer time, things fall into place, bed down, become part of me. I'm looking forward to making my First Confession during Lent and, God willing, will be Received during the Easter Vigil.
Keep seeking. The One you are searching for is worth it. It's completely normal to be weary and discouraged sometimes – but keep trying. When He comes, you'll forget all your difficulties and even be grateful for your long longing.
I'm a convert from atheism. My experience was so different from what Amy describes seeking, but I hope I can say something helpful
I never had an emotional or spiritual "awakening." I just studied philosophy and theology as I was becoming skeptical of the atheist position, and started to see Faith as "not unreasonable." Eventually I saw it was reasonable.
I dare say that Amy has already made this step — otherwise why would she try to find God at RCIA, a monastary, at Mass, etc.?
Well, once I became convinced of the arguments for the Catholic Faith, I converted on principle. (If this is true, and this is what God wants, I will do it.) I thought it was all intellectually fascinating, but I had the HARDEST time actually praying. I was more into reading apologetics and history, enjoying the liturgy, etc.
But any emotional consolations have been very brief and not of any obvious supernatural origin. My life has not become easier, it has become harder, as Our Lord promised, and I have seen plenty of soft persecution.
My question to Amy and those who are facing similar spiritual questions is, What were/are you looking for? I don't just mean "Faith" or "God" — what do you expect it to actually look or feel like?
I don't see Faith as an "WOW experience" God gives us necessarily … it is a gift of His Grace, but sometimes it can come through our very ordinary cognitive apparatus. In my own conversion, I just believed I should, so I did, and I still do. Sometimes I am emotional about it, because the liturgy is so beautiful, and Catholicism is just awesome, but essentially I keep going because I believe it's true.
Not based on experience, but on reasoning (and faith which does not contradict reason but is supported by it).
My advice, Step 1: study the Faith and religion in general because we are humans who have intelligent minds and so a responsiblity to the Truth. Step 2: When you realize the Truth is in the Catholic Faith, be an obedient Catholic. Step 3: Persevere even if you don't think you get anything at all out of it, since it's about God, not about us. Even if you suffer greatly in this life, for the rest of your life.
Our true reward is in Heaven.
God is there but neither I nor anyone can really explain why He has chosen not to make Himself present to you at this time. No matter what may have happened in your efforts to find faith so far, He does know you, love you and wants you to continue seeking Him. If you continue to simply seek the truth, you will find Him. That is His promise.
Been there, done that. I remember a very low period in my life when everything was wrong, I prayed, and listened, prayed and listened. Nothing. Then my parish practically abandoned me in my time of need. (I am a cradle catholic) Then the priest pedophile scandle broke. I tried another church (and denomination) and I felt like every Sunday I was sitting thru a speech debate or a concert. Did not hear anything from God. I quit going to church all together for about 5 years. Then out of the blue I felt a tugging or a inner voice tell me to look again. This was a long process that I won't go thru all the details but now I have come to believe that maybe that voice was there all the time but I was too worked up in my own problems to hear it.
Praying to God is communicating with Him. I believe He hears us each and every time without fail.
We are not always so good at hearing His reply! Sometimes we "hear" God's reply when we pray for someone sick and they are healed. Sometimes we "hear" God's reply when a thought pops into our head (recognizing these "thoughts" as God speaking to us can take some practice of discernment).
Sometimes we can detect no direct reply but that does not mean God did not hear us. His reply is in His time or perhaps His plan is beyond what we can understand.
We must trust, not test, Him. Like any skill, hearing God through prayer is something that improves with practice.
I wholeheartedly agree with James Oakley. My faith is very dry and empty of spiritual "cookies" and warm fuzzies. Maybe that is what the woman is looking for. I have learned to continue to go through the motions and surround myself with people of good faith. Of course, the most famous recent example of this spiritual dryness is Mother Teresa. Maybe reading her bio / letters may help (her and me).
Love your blog.
I agree with Nic that sometimes there is such a thing as being too absorbed in trying to feel God. God is a relationship, God is about giving yourself to others. So I would suggest volunteering, taking the extra step to help others, being more attentive to others.
When I do this, I often realize two things. One is the mysterious workings of God (which I won't be able to explain coherently here). The other is how I fall short. When I try to imitate Jesus, I become painfully aware of how hard it is. Then his love and mercy become a little more real. Real not only because I am a sinner but because the more we try to reach for perfection, the more sensitive we are to it, and the more easily we will recognize Christ.
I would say two things:
1. I find that sometimes when I'm desperately seeking Presence, I need to shut up and Be Still. I get in my own way.
2. I think in our society we get caught up in emotion, and without that "feeling" of faith, we think we have none. But emotion is fleeting. I remember going to confession once as a child saying, "I don't FEEL anything." The priest said something very wise. He said that if I see someone who needs a coat, and FEEL bad for them, that doesn't make them warm. A better act of faith, he said, would be to give them a coat, whether I FELT anything about it or not.
First of all, it is not clear whether the person is baptized or not. If he/she is not baptized but has intended to do so, I would advise that he/she resume her RCIA preparations and behave as if he/she does believe.
Once a full Catholic, my advise would be to receive the Eucharist "food for the journey" as often as possible. The Eucharist will strengthen your reserve and bring you closer to God. Everything else will fall into place after that.
I would first ask:
"what is it you are looking for?"
this may help you understand what it is they expect and what their notion of God is. It may be that they are looking for a "god" of that doesn't exist (that is, a "god" of their own making)
Sometimes believers receive consolation, or a "feeling" of God's presence–but they are not mandatory for Christian practice. And practicing Christianity does not absolve us from doubt. Doubts persist to the grave. The bottom line is that Christianity is something that one "does." Faith, or certainty in God and Christ, is a gift that often begins when a person commits to going through the motions. Ask for it: "I want to believe, help my unbelief."
I'm sorry if I got the wrong impression, but from the comments it sounded that the individuals were looking for the big "bang"! They seem to be looking for that mystical experience which would tell you without a doubt that there is a God. While such things do happen, it is something which should not be wished for. "To those who much is given, much will be expected…" Do they really want to join Christ in the suffering of his passion? Expect to suffer if you encounter God mystically.
Instead, it is in the little things that they should look for God. Ask for God's guidance everyday and then you'll see him, in a friend, a stranger, a stone, a beautiful blue sky.
I have had mystical experiences and they always come before great anguish. I have lived 15 years in a stalking nightmare and now I realize that whenever I have one of my mystical experiences it is just God giving me strength for what is coming. I must say, I'm ever so pleased He hasn't found it necessary to give me extra "strength" for about a year…
I know what I'm enduring is for His greater glory and I accept the pain (though I do constantly complain to Him asking for an end to the misery.)
Iris Celeste
This is so hard. I remember Amy, I think it's the same person. I read her blog until she deleted it. I ached for her pain, always seeking and never finding.
Nothing I can think of seems adequate.
It's like what do you say to a child whose father is deployed overseas or otherwise gone, who has been gone so long the child no longer remembers him. You keep reassuring her that somewhere out there is a man called 'Daddy' who loves her as much as you do. But you can offer no proof. (Less so these days; but I'm thinking of a book I read recently about a little girl whose father comes back from WWII and is a stranger to her.)
I don't understand it. Why doesn't God reach out to some people? Why does he let people who are earnestly seeking Him get to this point where they are in such pain and despair? All I can really offer is my prayers and try to encourage her perseverance, to show her God's love by the way I love her. But it doesn't seem adequate. Not at all.
I feel like forgetting about God all the time too, for slightly different reasons. It is a very troublesome issue when one cries out to God and hears silence in response.
I would just point out how long they had to wait for answers sometimes in the Old Testament. Think about how God took His sweet time before answering Job for his suffering. Think about how many years the Israelites cried out to God in Egypt before he sent Moses. Sometimes God, for His own reasons, waits an immensely long time before even beginning to answer prayer, even heartfelt prayers. He has His reasons, even if we don't understand them.
I don't know how long you've been searching, praying, studying, etc., but we must keep trying, as Job and the Israelites in Egypt did. Even if it takes longer than we would like. As much as I want to just give up praying (since I'm not much of a mystical experience kinda guy), there one else worth going to than Jesus Christ. Only He has the words of the eternal life. As one scholar put it, "If Jesus Christ is risen, nothing else matters. And if He is not risen, nothing else matters."
I was exposed to Catholicism as a youth attending Catholic schools even though I wasn't Catholic. I dabbled with religion in college. When I met my husband, he wanted to attend church, and we went to several seeking the right one for us. We were unhappy at all of those we tried. I tried reading the Bible but never succeeded in getting through it.
God did not speak to me, however, until I was in a deep valley of unemployment. Before then, I perhaps had thought I was ready to find Him, but He knew that I was not.
We do not choose God, He chooses us, when He feels that we are ready, and He sees the bigger picture that we do not.
I wonder if reading about the saints who experienced a Dark Night of the Soul would help. Or even just reading Mother Teresa's work, because she experienced this feeling of lack of connection and yet never failed to cling to belief. I think too many of us expect the lightning bolts, when most of the time, faith, and life in general, don't offer them. Some specific steps, though, might include: 1) Prayer, and it can be as simple as, "God, I want to believe you're there. Please help me feel your presence." And just keep praying it until your heart opens to His existence. 2) Stay near those who do believe. It's hard to cultivate a life of faith without proper support. 3) Cut back on dependence to worldly vision. Less television, magazines that promote the culture of death. 4) Pray some more. I don't think we can just step out into the world and say, "Okay, I'm here, waiting for this to happen, so, what's the deal? God, you there or what?" Not that your doubting readers have done that, but I think we simply have to persist, even when the feelings are absent. But trust me, having even a glimmer of hope that there's something is better than darkness and hopelessness. In the meantime, I will offer up a prayer of my own for those who struggle with this. There are many factors and there is no one-size-fits-all answer. I look forward to your post, Jen.
My biggest obstacle was only being willing to believe in God if He produced some incredible experience for me – like Saul being knocked off his horse. Once I decided to do my part and at least "go through the motions" I'm finding that my faith is growing in a slow, gentle way that I don't even recognize on a day to day basis. It's just when I look back and see how much happier I feel, how much more at peace, and how much more I turn to God in gratitude and for help.
Someone just asked me for just this advice yesterday and I was in the process of praying about my reply. I'm very interested in hearing the responses because I had little idea of what to say.
Reading the comments so far I would like to second what many people have said.
The quote James gave from Screwtape has always stuck with me. It brings to mind Jesus on the cross, "my God, my God, why have you forsaken me." I know he was speaking the opening lines of a psalm, but it's that cry mingled with his obedience that we are all asked to emulate.
As Dev Thakur said, Christianity is something that can be determined via reason to be reasonable. It is not acting contrary to reason to start living it's principles (in fact most of the social ones are an ideal that most non-Christians admit they should be aiming for).
I also second Iris, if someone is looking for flash and bang, they might just get it, but it is always strength for the journey.
There is a book I'm reading now, "10 prayers God always answers," (I think Jen recommend it actually) and the first prayer is to know God's presence. The author warns not to look for a flash or sign. He mentions that the apostles witnessed so many of Jesus's miracles, and all suffered greatly. Every time you read the life of a Saint who had some amazing experience of Jesus it's always coupled with great suffering.
It makes me worry about the consolations the Lord has given me.
I agree with the advice that these people should stop trying so hard (that list of attempts to find God by the first poster was a litte over the top and must have taken a decade!). What is it that they are expecting? Lighting strikes and earth shattering proof that God exists? That is not what faith is and that is not how God shows his face.
God shows his face in the miracles around us: the face of children, the buds newly formed on trees, the quiet after a snowfall, the way the sun streaks through the clouds, the smile of a stranger, the touch of a loved one.
It shouldn't be this hard and it isn't this hard. It really is the easiest thing in the world. Just allow yourself to be loved. The rest follows.
I have often though of Amy's comments as I was a participant in that discussion with her. And upon praying and thinking about it, and reflecting on my own journney in becoming a Catholic, I'll just say what I truly think.
Just be yourself.
Don't be pressured to believe in something because you feel you must. I tried for years and it just didn't work. I did all the right things and nothing. For years. Then one day when I least expected it, God called me.
But that said, it may or may not be something you experience.
It's easy for me to want to help the blind to see the way I want them to see. But my wanting to see my way makes it no more possible. Instead, the blind see's in a different way and I have to be respectful of that. I will love and help and pray for the blind because that is what is asked of me.
Not probably the response I should give, but it's the only one I can really think of. Maybe one feels pressured that if they become a Catholic, they immediately have to be this perfect Catholic and disregard your entire life's thinking to a "new way" and that can be overwhelming.
But you don't. It's part of life long mystagogia, where you learn things and decide things and maybe come to view on some things and struggle with others. That is the beauty I find in faith.
I am no expert here, but I'll tell my own experience. I believed in God when I was young, and then went through a very dark time in my life and I turned my back on Him and questioned my faith. God gradually made Himself known to me again and now I feel closer to Him than ever. I think God allows us to go through things so that we can learn from our experiences and become closer to Him in the end. He takes us on a journey full circle rather than straight ahead. I think this person should keep praying and keep going to Mass and talking to other Christians. God has a reason for what is happening and He may be allowing her to go through this in order to fulfill His plan for her. If she remains faithful, God will fulfill His end of the deal. He always does.
Peter said something to the effect that where else would he go if he didn't go to Jesus. I understand your dilemma–was there many years ago, and the alternative didn't look good. Before my search I'd read so much agnostic literature–was permeated by that mind-set. Coming to faith was hard. I gave up more than once. But I could never escape the possibility of a God. I think it took almost five years. During some of that time I did actively seek. During some of that time I didn't. But the subject never left me because I didn't decide against Him. So my advice? Don't decide against Him. Continue to want Him. He'll bring you through.
Jesus is very quiet. If you're used to listening to the world, the softness and gentleness of the Holy Spirit often feels like "nothing is happening."
Try to pay attention to when your heart is calm and still and peaceful. It can last for a nanosecond.
I was in serious mortal sin and prayed one prayer for help. Three weeks later my husband showed up in my life.
For many months, however, I didn't "recognize" him as my beloved future spouse. He didn't match anything I thought a grand LOVE affair was supposed to have. It wasn't exciting, it was desperate or passionate. The only thing that happened was I was unusually calm and peaceful around a member of the opposite sex, I felt 11 again and kept thinking we were just friends.
That easy peacefulness was exactly what I needed at the time. All the fireworks came later. If I knew at the time I was dating a "husband" and not simply a decent boyfriend, I would have run for the hills.
I truly think that is how Jesus works sometimes. He weans us off of the whirlwind of life, to get us more used to the calm, happiness of eternal life.
If you cried yourself to sleep, maybe that was good. When was the last time you let yourself feel pain and not try to be Miss Happy Go Lucky all of the time? If you signed up for RICA, go. That's a huge step. I didn't feel a huge inner passion for the Eucharist until after I had eaten it for a few months.
Just keep walking. Faith is called FAITH for a reason. Everything that you're looking for in faith is going to catch up with you soon.
I'd say this:
I'm getting the feeling that you somehow misunderstood the verse. Jesus didn't say "Work and ye shall find." Yet you're going on and on about "I did X and I did Y and I did Z…" On the bright side, you've accidentally arrived at the essential spiritual truth (and a lot of people miss it!) that your good works in themselves don't bring you any closer to God. "By grace you are saved through faith, not by works lest anyone should boast" (Ephesians 2:8-9).
Here's the verse in its entirety: "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." (Matthew 7:7).
Among the things it does not say:
- "If you try hard enough to find God, maybe you'll get there."
- "If you do all the right things, maybe you'll achieve faith."
- "God is hiding and you're it!"
- [fill in your own!]
What the verse does say, three times: "Will." Not maybe He will, not He will if you're good enough. This is a promise, not a formula. All you have to do is "ask" and God will take care of the rest.
Stop trying (even "sincerely, truly") and start trusting.
I just want to say, thank you for the question, and thank you for the comments. Especially Dev, thank you for your story. It is definitely unique, but you are also not alone in your story. Augustine experienced a very similar experience (his first conversion being more intellectual).
I am a cradle Catholic, and still have many days where I definitely can't "feel" God. However, I have learned that just as love is not a feeling but a decision or a choice (an action to sacrifice self for the other, and give of self completely to the other), so it is with faith. It is less of a feeling and more of a choice. Of course we cannot make that choice without Grace so it is still complete GIFT. However, like other comments have said, referring to Mother Teresa etc. we can often not feel anything (and even at times feel empty and dry), yet we still make the choice of faith. In the same way we chose to love others even when they feel unlovable.
I have found myself in this predicament several times during my 5 year or so journey into the Catholic faith. I have given up, thrown my hands in the air, kicked my feet and then some.
But… I keep coming back. Over and over and over. I told our new RCIA organizer that I feel like an alcoholic! lol – I am by no means an expert here. Just trudging along like the rest of us.
However I have realized that it isn't always a grand realization. I have been learning to find God in the little things. I think it has something to do with my attitude (I'm only speaking for myself here!) I pray constantly for faith, understanding and for the Lord to help my unbelief. Sometimes to the point of tears and sometimes quickly as I think about something during the day.
Through the process I have learned to relish the small things. The kind word, the "coincidental" meeting, the money that comes at just the right time and even the seemingly destructive times that are hard and hurtful but always end with good.
My only advice would be not to give up! Keep praying and see if you can find the little things even if it's a nice song on the radio at just the right moment.
I too have sought unsuccessfully from time to time. Almost always it was because I had a pre-conceived idea of the result I was seeking. Like looking to hear from God and expecting some kind of distinct internal or audible voice because that's the language people often use for it, even though that's not usually how it works. But that idea of what I'm waiting for keeps me from learning how it is that He does speak to me if I'm too attached to it.
The truth is that God is into redeeming and using our whole self and he works through our individual personalities and minds. His speaking to you could use your intellect, your own thought patterns, your unique way of understanding things. and you could easily think, that wasn't God, that was just me. Because it's meant to be supernaturally natural, not some odd and strange experience.
I often mentor new believers in this dimension of prayer and hearing. What works best is for them to pray and seek God in the company of more experienced believers. A time of listening prayer and having others share what they were hearing, and realizing that those thoughts you weren't sure about had the same content in them is really encouraging for someone learning how to listen.
There's a time when the search for God must join with the community of those who believe in order to go forward, and I'm not just referring to priests or other leaders but to relationships formed and life lived alongside other believers, even if you aren't sure you believe yet. Lie and faith in God was never meant to be lived in isolation, so maybe if you are seeking Him in isolation without success it's time to join with others.
Also, I would recommend that those looking to find God through prayer and retreats, etc. start looking through service and care for others.
Visit a seniors home, serve soup down town on a cold day, take a minute to talk to the guy begging for change. God lives with the poor, the hurting and the lonely, and helping them is to find him.
That's just what i think.
I haveb't read the comments yet and I am no expert! I still struggle with this to some extent. I see myself in Amy. I went to church, Bible study, listened to Christian music, had Christian friends, read the Bible, cried and begged so many nights for God to please just help me feel Him! Just give me this love for Him that others have. What do I have to do? Do you need me to quit smoking? Is that the one thing I haven't done yet?
And then one day it was there. I got it. (mostly, although there are still times…) And I think I just had to quit trying so hard. There's nothing I need to do. No act, no prayer… I don't have to earn it! I struggle with wanting to be in control so I think God is constantly trying to teach me to just let go and let God….
It's about faith, not feelings. I have to have faith even when I don't have those warm feelings everyone else has…
I read a great book about this but am at work and can't remember the title. I'll get back here later today and post it.
That's pretty tough. I don't know what to say. You've done so many things that I have not, but I still believe in God.
May be this will help. Have you ever wondered about what good is, what truth is, what beautiful is, and what evil is? I know may sound weird to you, but, honestly, I've been through some spiritual dry spells, and I have found that the moment I throw in the towel some strange things start happening. Things that I think, "This can't be coincidence".
My suggestion to you: While you are attending Mass, reflect on some possible answers to the questions I posed above while praying. Have you ever quietly watched the sun rise and just felt floored by it's majesty?
John
For it is I who gave you those desires -Philippians 2:13
Remember that it is God who is placing that desire in your heart to get to know him. You are longing to know him because he wants you to. So just let things be because he is already with you.
This is an interesting post, because I've felt the presence of God as long as I can remember, and seeing friends seeking that presence and not finding it has been very hard for me to deal with.
I would say now, I think, "are you sure you *haven't* found Him? What were you expecting to happen when you did?" Because lately I've seen that some people find God first through the intellect, some first through emotion, some first through some kind of amazing spiritual revelation…but it's all the same Lord, revealing Himself in different ways.
I recommend praying to the Virgin Mary and saying the Rosary. Also read Anne Catherine Emmerich's visions of the Passion.
http://www.jesus-passion.com/DOLOROUS_PASSION_OF_OUR_LORD_JESUS_CHRIST.htm
I sympathize with your correspondent. There are days when only Pascal's Wager gets me to Mass. How pitiful is that.
Before becoming Catholic, I read up a bit on the history of churches. One day I at last ran across that comment from the Chief Rabbi of Rome during WW II who later became Catholic and took Pope Pius's baptismal name for his own … when asked why he became Catholic rather than some other denomination, he said something to the effect of "you shame yourself if you believe that God abandoned the Church shortly after he founded it, and then miraculously re-founded it 1000 or more years later." So I have the intellectual and historical bond to The Church. It truly is the source and foundation of all that can be called Christian.
Between that bond and Pascal's point, it keeps me inside. But there are days when I pray "God are you really there or am I just deluded?"
I came to faith after realizing that though for years I had intellectually assented to the tenets of the Christian belief, I had never gotten on the Ark: entrusting all of me, all my future, and the destiny of my soul to the Lord Jesus. I came to Him at His invitation in the Scriptures ("Come unto Me, all you who are heavy laden …" "This is the work of God, that you believe in Him Whom He has sent.") and told Him that I was placing all my trust in Him — that He had made full payment for my sins on the cross, that He would "in no wise cast out the one who comes" to Him, and that my eternal destiny now rested in Him because I was His now by redemption. And being entirely His now, I would follow and obey.
And I considered the matter done because of His word.
The transaction between God and one created in His image, the placing of faith in Him alone by His work of His grace within, doesn't depend on a sense of His "showing up." He HAS already "shown up" by coming to bear our sins and make His resurrection life available in regenerating fallen creatures who trust in Him, and giving us the Holy Scriptures full of all His communication to us. I didn't wait for Him to call; He already had, and I took Him at His word. I did experience great relief at my sins being forgiven, a sense of giddiness at pushing reset on my life, and, yes, a sense of what I would call His presence, but my new life in Him did not depend on these. My recommendation to one who "sought but didn't find" would be, if she hasn't already done so, simply come to Him and believe, and having done that, burrow into the Scriptures to hear His voice and obey by being baptized and entering into the life of His Church and carrying out His commands. And dig in to everything that is now hers by being in Christ, like the spectacular list in Ephesians 1: adoption, redemption, forgiveness, grace, inheritance, the indwelling Holy Spirit, etc.!! Rejoice! Thank the Father for giving her all this in His Son! Offer sacrifices of praise and thanksgiving, worship and adore. I do feel nearest to Him when I dwell on His incomparable excellencies and His mercies toward us.
If a wandering atheist may offer on opinion I'd just like to make an observation…
I see a number of people advising that one should act as if one believes, even if one doesn't; to "go through the motions…"
I have to say this sounds like really bad advice to me. I tried this for many years until the psychological stress of pretending finally got to me and I decided to just be honest about the fact that I just don't believe. In hindsight I think it was really unhealthy to lie to myself like that for so long. I feel so much better now just living my life as if no gods exist.
Reading the other comments, I see "obey" come up occasionally. Bonhoeffer suggests that we cannot believe until we obey, and at the same time cannot obey until we believe. We must do both simultaneously. We are in a place where following Christ's commandments is taken less seriously than belief in doctrine and than evangelism. But faith cannot come without obedience.
Also, and I'm going to paraphrase Battlestar Galactica here, you can only trust if you have no reason to; that's what trust is. Otherwise it's a calculated gamble.
I would say to pick up the Bible and read some of the Gospel stories. I am an Orthodox Christian, and many people do not come to Christ that way. However, I did. I was going through a difficult time in my life and started to read the stories. And then I started to build a reasonable case for faith. I would say that the Case for Faith and the Case for Christ–both by Lee Strobel–were key in my conversion. The fact that Christ fulfills so many prophecies convinced me. And I also read apologetic works like Mere Christianity.
And I thought a lot about what I read and asked questions of my mature Christian friends. When I finally made the leap of faith and said the sinner's prayer (I came to Christ with a Protestant mindset), I had a sense of peace, but like you I knew Christ intellectually–not personally. I floundered around for several years, reading the Bible, but not attending any church.
It was when I attended a Baptism at an Orthodox Church that I knew God was there–and finally understood what it meant to know Christ in my heart. (By the way, I had not been open to Orthodoxy for a while, but I had a friend who pushed and pushed and urged me to continue attending services–and it was because I was there on that day, that God called out to me.)
I believe that if you are truly open to the faith and are surrounded by loving, Christian friends, He is bound to call to you in His time. But you need to be open.
I'm not sure I can answer this question without asking one of my own: what do you mean, you didn't find God? To further clarify, what do you think finding God looks like or feels like? I think a problem that many of us have is thinking we know what our spiritual lives are supposed to look like and therefore missing what God is actually doing.
I've had lots of warm, fuzzy "religious experiences" but I've certainly never had God speak to me out loud. And a more cynical (or one could say rational, LOL) person might dismiss my "God-sightings" as nothing more than coincidences. Maybe I'm just naive, but I truly believe that every good thing in my life comes from God's hand. I don't need proof that he did it; I'm just so grateful.
"You see, God gave you and I the power to choose who we would BE, and that power is all we will ever need to create the reality of our choice. I know this simple truth seems a little hard to believe, but your only real job in this Game of Life is to choose and re-choose who you will BE. God's Law of Correspondence will take care of the rest." -Darel Rutherford from his book, "Being the Solution"
In other words, choose to be someone who feels God's presence, thank him for bringing you closer to him, and that will become your reality because that is having faith. He is with you and you need to believe that he is in order for it to become more obvious to you. You can choose to be someone who doesn't feel God and who is always trying to or you can choose to be someone who does feel God…once you make that choice- it will become reality.
Thanks for the shout-out and the thoughtful comments. I'll keep searching :->
Maybe He hasn't made His presence known to you yet because he saw (at the time I'm writing this) 46 other people that could benefit from the spiritual dryness you've been momentarily called to bear. And perhaps by the declarations of faith that these 46 have made, all of us, yourself included, can find His voice and his Sacred Heart amongst them.
Well, on the one hand, you cannot "put God to the test." You cannot demand proof, demand that He show Himself.
On the other hand, sometimes it is kind of like the guy walking through the forest wondering why he can't find any trees.
And then there is that passage from 1 Kings 19, where Elijah is in a mountain cave — A strong and heavy wind was rending the mountains and crushing rocks before the LORD–but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake–but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake there was fire–but the LORD was not in the fire. After the fire there was a tiny whispering sound. When he heard this, Elijah hid his face in his cloak and went and stood at the entrance of the cave. A voice said to him, "Elijah, why are you here?"
Often times, that is how God speaks and reveals Himself to us — in a whisper.
I can't believe the amount of comments this post has generated and I am eager to review them! I might like to post Destry's comment on my own blog with a link if that is ok.
I have been a life long Catholic, but I know that conversion doesn't happen once and for all, it is continual. Right now, I could use a conversion, because I am feeling like both of those ladies you have mentioned. Here I am, deeply loving God, and I am wondering where He is and why He doesn't love me back. It is a deep, deep blow to my self-esteem.
I would highly recommend getting a spiritual director, and seeing them on a regular basis. I've been seeing one for a few months now, and she's been able to offer me some incredibly insightful advice. I would also say don't give up!! You are going through these things for a reason that you may not understand in the here and now. Keep seeking!
Jen G
My first thought would be to ask – what are you seeking? What would it take for you to believe? What does God need to do to prove His existence to you personally?
Like many other's have commented. Pray like you do believe. The opposite of faith isn't doubt. The opposite of faith is certainty.
This is a great question!
Blessings, Sister Lynn
Having now read the other comments, a couple more thoughts –
It seems that if one is determined to search this much, that in itself is proof of God's involvement in a person's life. That hunger for truth is a grace. That dissatisfaction with a world without God is, at a fundamental level, the nudge of faith. Our hearts are restless until they rest in the Lord (Augustine's Confessions) because that is the way that God made our hearts, implanted with a little homing device.
Also, the idea (again from Augustine) that belief leads to understanding, which in turn leads to greater belief, is a sound concept.
In countless areas of life, we simply take things on faith, we simply trust the word of other people, people who we trust know what they are talking about. We don't ask how this Internet thing works, we simply move our fingers on a key board, trusting that words will appear to other people on the other side of the country. If we were to try to wrap our minds around it, we would conclude that such a thing is obviously impossible, and yet it is true.
If one simply trusts in the word of witnesses who have gone before them, if one simply acts like they believe, then after a while, they realize that the room is not dark after all, that there is a light on, and that light will appear to become brighter and brighter. In short, one will begin to understand. And that beginning of understanding will lead to a deeper, but more mature faith. No longer a blind faith, but one combined with reason.
So, simply go down the road that folks are telling you to go down. Simply follow the map, even though you do not know exactly where it is going. If we let go of our anxiety about where we are this instant, we will begin to notice that we are, indeed, on the right road. We will understand that the road, the journey, is a large part of the faith.
The faith is not an intellecual exercise, although pure knowledge is useful. Rather, ours is a living faith. Ours is not merely the written word on paper, ours is the Living Word Incarnate. The Faith is not merely Truth, it is Truth in Love.
As for me, I knew I believed when, once upon a time, I was in the throes of depression and hated life and repeatedly wished that I would wake up dead, so wretched was I. And yet I kept on going, I did not my "quietus make with a bare bodkin."
Why? Why not end it all, why not end my misery and say "goodbye cruel world"? Because suicide is a mortal sin. It is both killing (sui- (self) -cide (murder)) and it is a selfish rejection of a gift from God, the gift of life. Being the last act committed, knowing it to be a mortal sin, the result is not a lessening of pain and misery, but an increase of it, i.e. hell. Because I was certain of the existence of hell — the eternal separation from God — because I knew that I would end up worse off if I were to kill myself, I knew that I believed in God. And I knew that had I done that, it would be me sending myself there, not Him.
Knowing that, knowing He exists, and giving my broken self to Him, that is what brought about the dawn, that is what caused that demon (depression) to depart.
And, I know that He exists, despite occasionally being buffetted intellectually by "how can that be?" (and make no mistake, the devil often torments us that way), by the fact that nobody forces me to go to Confession and tell really embarassing things to a stranger, and yet I do it. I do it because, deep down, deeper than my puny brain, I believe.
And that is where we are too look if we want to ask ourselves if we believe. We should not look at the superficial level, at the mere intellectual. We need to peer deep into the essence of our being. That is where the "whispers" of God are heard. And the more we are in tune with that, the louder those whispers are.
Start small. Once, during a year that I kept thinking could not get worse, things kept getting worse. And worse. I began to wonder, where was God in all this? It was what some call a "dry spell". For no particular reason, one day I bought a bird feeder and put it near a window where I could see it easily. After a couple of weeks, birds came every day. Birds of all kinds of colors and sizes. Beautiful birds. Sometimes during that year the backyard birds at the feeder were the happiest part of my day, like a small gift in the continuing sad events going on around me. That was where I started to find God again. Happy to say that once I could see God at work in the small things, it eventually became easier to see His hand in larger things, too.
I read with great interest all of the comments on this post thus far, and am interested in reading the resulting post as well–as I share many of the same feelings as the seeker who hasn't found (or been found). Like the wandering atheist I am wondering about how going through the motions helps one find the truth. Additionally, I noticed a lot of comments that talk about surrounding themselves by Christians may help increase belief. Why not having lunch with Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens, and reading various philosophers, as well as books like the Bible not be given as good advice? Shouldn't being exposed to the "marketplace of ideas" be the best way to find the truth?
Being raised in a very loving Christian home, I am very thankful for the structure that Christianity has provided for my life. That said, hearing arguments made by "atheist evangelists" such as Hitchens or Dawkins gives me real pause for consideration especially as I have a hard time claiming a "relationship with God" because i haven't "experienced" Him like many other Christians claim they experience him.
This past year has been hard for me personally, and, although I have never stopped going to church, have experienced some of the most significant doubt in my life this year. Oftentimes to me, it seems that life is just made up of statistically explainable events–and then you die.
I want to believe, as I feel a relationship with God seems desirable, and I do appreciate the social support it has given me thus far in life, but intellectually thus far, my mind has a hard time accepting this. (I also have a very hard time grasping concepts of infinity so maybe my mind is a little strange).
That said, I have not yet been able to accept the atheist notion that there is no repercussions in the afterlife as to how we live our lives here on earth and so that pulls me back to some sort of belief in a higher power.
I'm grasping to find anything that i can hold onto, but also do not want to feel that I'm living a lie.
James 4:3 says "You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions."
I think a question I'd ask Amy and Destry is: Do you feel angry that God hasn't responded to your calls in the way you think he should? If so, maybe there's something (a feeling, specific knowledge, etc.) you're demanding from him; something that says "I want you, but only on my terms."
Also, something I realized recently is that I've been making certain things, like "knowing Jesus," more complicated and mysterious than they really are. It was kind of an epiphany to realize that getting to know Jesus is in many ways just like getting to know anyone else in the world (even easier perhaps, since he wants to be known): Read the book he wrote about himself; talk to him; listen to him; believe him; think about him; respectfully consider him; talk to his friends to find out what they know and love about him; etc.
Pursue him for *him*, and not for something you think he can or should do for you. Don't assume you already know what he thinks or how he'll respond. Don't say, "He's being silent!" when he wrote an entire book full of his deepest thoughts, characteristics, answers and plans.
We wouldn't insult the people around us that way. Why Jesus?
Do those things intentionally and for a long time because knowing someone well doesn't happen overnight. It takes time. It's only after you've shared lots of conversation, laughs, vulnerability, questions asked and answered, etc., that you can really start to say and feel that you know them well.
And, as with anyone else, it might be awkward getting to know Jesus at first. You might have long silent spaces in conversation. You might feel like something you said sounded dumb. You might not understand where he's coming from at times.
But keep at it. There's no one else in the universe so worthy of the effort. And there's no amount of worship, adoration and pursuit of him that isn't appropriate and deserved.
The fact that we're seeking God is actually our response to His calling. "No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him" (John 6:44). That's why I love the sacred heart and imagery in the Song of Solomon (Song of Songs) – God as the lover who longs for us, who thirsts for our love.
I have struggled with how to explain this Tony husband. He is agnostic with an abusive evangelical background. To him all Christians are stupid and ignorant. The few times we've been able to talk honestly, and without anger, about my faith – I just can't seem to articulate it so he can understand.
I guess I would say trust that God is present. Even when you think he isn't there, he is. Even on the hard days, trust. You may not always feel him, or discern his plan – but know that the hard days will pass and the peace and warmth will return.
I would keep going to church, keep praying, study. Especially when it seems pointless.
I'm not trying to diagnose Amy or any one else; just "what worked for me"….
Through the years, I have been plagued with feelings that God did not exist, or, later, that He existed but didn't care about me or didn't like me. What got me through this:
1. An intellectual, 100% above the eyebrows conviction that God existed, that the Incarnation happened, and that the Church was who She claimed to me. It was of no more emotional consolation than any other fact, such as the fact that the Battle of Hastings was in 1066 and not 1067. It got me through the "God doesn't exist" years.
2. A couple of memorized Scripture verses. For me, it was, "It is not the will of the Father that a single one of these little ones should be lost." So, a syllogism:
God does not will a single one of these little ones to be lost; I am one of those little ones; therefore it is not the will of God that I be lost. It may sound silly and dry, but it kept me tethered to to the idea that even if God didn't like me, he was concerned enough about my welfare to will that I not be lost.
What finally helped? Of all things, getting my chronic dysthymia (low-grade depression) treated. I still never feel big thrills of emotional faith, but I don't struggle under the burden of being convinced that either God doesn't exist or God singling me out for disdain.
Recently I read a book by a neuropsychiatrist on how his patients' faith lives changed and improved after they were treated for conditions such as depression, ADD, etc. He mentioned that the feeling that "God doesn't care" or "God doesn't like me" was characteristic of patients who had organic mood disorders. Grace builds upon nature.
Will be praying for Amy and those in the same boat.
Praised be Jesus and Mary! I saw your post and I just had to leave few words. Excuse some spelling mistakes , I am Croatian after all
but it is the only way. 
is that the very process of "getting there" goes through desert /suffering/.
When it comes to praying a LONG time and not getting the answer and Feeling that something must be SO VERY WRONG with you, your heart, prayers, the very soul… well I know about that. Imagine praying for an intention over a long period of years and living in a sanctuary witnessing the miracles (more spiritual than physical) on the almost every day basis !!! It can put some "?" over your head many times. Ok, this is starting to turn into a more than few words. Sorry!
When it comes to prayer there are three very important points (along with the firm faith God loves you and want's the best for you).
1.Decision
2.Perserverence
3. Patience
As God's time is not our time the point 2. and 3. are quite challenging
From my own experience I would say that most of us does not how to pray for our intention. We pray for what we want , while we should pray for what is the best for us. God, who loves us so much has only our best interest in mind so maybe it is not that He is not answering your prayer but rather He keeps you safe from your own ideas
And here is something I also reflect many times … maybe God chooses certain people while here on earth to reveal them His infinite Love. He as a jealous God waits until chosen person finds its way to His heart. He waits for you to come close, to be immersed into his Love and Mercy and to find all the joy and all the fulfillment possible for a human being to have.Come as close as possible to Paradise. That becomes your ultimate "answer to all prayers" and reason for happiness. Only then, God "answers" your prayers because He is at the "top of the list" … Only problem
So, my advice is Rejoice! God bless
John 14 (New King James Version)
John 14
The Way, the Truth, and the Life
1 “Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God, believe also in Me. 2 In My Father’s house are many mansions;[a] if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.[b] 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also. 4 And where I go you know, and the way you know.”
5 Thomas said to Him, “Lord, we do not know where You are going, and how can we know the way?”
6 Jesus said to him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.
The Father Revealed
7 “If you had known Me, you would have known My Father also; and from now on you know Him and have seen Him.”
8 Philip said to Him, “Lord, show us the Father, and it is sufficient for us.”
9 Jesus said to him, “Have I been with you so long, and yet you have not known Me, Philip? He who has seen Me has seen the Father; so how can you say, ‘Show us the Father’? 10 Do you not believe that I am in the Father, and the Father in Me? The words that I speak to you I do not speak on My own authority; but the Father who dwells in Me does the works. 11 Believe Me that I am in the Father and the Father in Me, or else believe Me for the sake of the works themselves.
I can only speak of my own experience, but when I was young in my faith and felt God wasn't answering me, I look back and realize that I wanted it all to be on my terms. I wish I could explain how it changed, but I can't. The closest would be from the responders who said to keep believing, and quoted Screwtape. Also, I've come to realize that God has worked in my life more through adversity. Before reading this post, I was thinking about a series of events in my life that were very painful, but ultimately led me to where I am today; a blessedly happy Catholic. No, everything in my life is not great, but I see God' hand in it all now. When my heart changed from praying for my own selfish wants, to praying for the will of God and good of others, it all changed.
I agree with James and George. I wanted to put in another thought that I don't believe has been brought up. Examine your life. Are you involved in sins that involve the 1st commandment? Are you reading horoscopes? Watch out for the occult. I saw a book of prayers to pray while reading tarot cards. The prayers called on the Lord, but never mentioned Jesus. There is power in His name and the devil thinks he is lord!!
If God exists, and keeps everything in existence,then He simply IS, whether we 'feel' him or not.
I once read a story:
A little fish had heard about the power, majesty and grandeur of the ocean. So he kept swimming here and there looking for it, but all he found was water. In dissapointment, he concluded that the ocean does not exist.
My suggestion: just trust in Him and keep living your life as best you can. Like others have pointed out, He may speak to you in a personal way when you least expect it.
In re-reading Amy's post, she says that she is seeking faith. I am going to guess that she is also speaking about a feeling of God's presence, although she doesn't expressly say that.
For myself, the experience of God's presence, or the feeling of closeness to God, is closely connected with my closeness to others. Because of early events in my life, I developed a hard, protective, shell – one that served me well at one point, but now is merely disfunctional. Many times I've asked God to take it away so that I could feel His presence more. But I have come to the conclusion, that *I* have to dismantle it – not because God can't penetrate it, but because in order to give and receive Love, I have some work to do in the forgiveness department, and God wants me to do it. Perhaps in Amy's life there are matters that need to be attended to in order to open her up to God's love. God's presence, then, could actually be revealed in the day-to-day circumstances that call upon a change of heart.
For myself, I have faith – shakey faith. But as I come to greater understanding, I realize that God wants something better for me, and that the path to it involves removing walls of unforgiveness and replacing them with love and compassion.
He who finds nothing, finds God.
There are two things you might want to think and pray about. The first is simply this: you do not know who God is. It is very difficult to find something when we do not know what it is. That is why so many of us decide – in advance – who God is. Then we know what we are looking for and we go looking for the image of God that we have creted. But the image of God that we have created is not God. It is an image of God that we have created.
The second thing is simply this: God is looking for you. He created us because He wanted us to be with Him. When we left the Garden of Eden, we left Him, but he never stopped reaching out to us. That is why he sent His Son, and, after the Son, the Paraclete. He is still reaching out to us, just as He was before the Creation.
So maybe you should quit trying to find God and just let God find you. You don't know what you are looking for, anyway, and it appears that you have proven to yourself that you cannot find Him. So let Him find you.
Of course, that means that you will have to give up control. More than that, you will have to abandon your will. You have been willing yourself to find God. Give it up. Abandon your will to His.
And let Him be Whoever He Is, instead of what you think he should be.
I would say "Did you stop talking long enough to listen?" So many times in my walk I feel abandoned by God…I convince myself He doesn't care…"Why would He?" I ask myself. But He does care…He always has and He always will. When it comes down to it, He didn't walk away, I did. The same is true in seeking His voice. You may think you are listening, but that noise and clatter in your mind isn't truly put to rest. Sometimes when I think I can't hear Him, it is then I realize that I haven't let go of the idea that I know best…that I am smarter.
The first question seems to be – where did you look?
Did you talk to others? As for tongues, they shall pass away …
Did you seek prophesy? They will pass away …
Did you seek knowledge? Our knowledge is imperfect …
Did you develop faith to move mountains? It is nothing …
Did you subject yourself to penance? Even though I give my body to be burned …
The leap of faith that is so hard for all of us is really a leap of love. Do we love enough to bears all things, believe all things, hopes all things, endures all things (even when it doesn’t seem to give us anything – not even peace, not even the sense that it is real to us?)
Are we really willing to suffer being patient and kind, not jealous or boastful, not arrogant or rude, to not insist on our own way (instead of God’s), to not be irritable or resentful (when God’s way seems a dark, empty path to us)?
For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face-to-face. Now I know in part (or maybe not at all), then I shall understand full, even as I have (ALWAYS) been understood (even if I didn’t feel it)
Real faith isn’t about feeling or even having any confirmation that something is real “Faith is the substance of things hoped for, evidence of things not seen”
In a way it’s not faith if you know it’s there in the same way you know it’s your face in the mirror. What we see is only a fraction of the real world – the world God sees – souls, saints above, angels just to name a few things we can’t see but are even more real than your reflection.
I almost never have a sense that someone is hearing my prayers. I don’t feel any reassurances. I cast my net into the deep and can’t see it anymore. I can only have faith that the net is full – someday when I’m (hopefully) face to face with Jesus, I will see it as he sees it.
If you have been seeking, but felt you didn’t find, be assured that you were found even if you felt like you were still standing alone at the door.
I would suggest a very basic exercise like keeping a gratitude journal to focus on the positive. Record daily instances of love: patience, kindness, selflessness, humility, modesty, charity in others. Note love in action observed–directed by and towards anyone for any reason. Be an observer. God is our ultimate parent, who sometimes lets us ride our bikes w/o training wheels. God loves us unconditionally, regardless of our faults. Be thankful for everything and tell yourself that you are lovable and loved–and others are praying for you!
In my experience I have found that God has at times not really answered me, except to say to me that I need to receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation with humility and contrition to be at peace with Him again, so that He'll start "talking" to me again. Just as the Lord would not speak to Saul in the Old Testament because Saul had disobeyed Him.
1 Samuel 28:1-20 (New King James Version)
1 Samuel 28
1 Now it happened in those days that the Philistines gathered their armies together for war, to fight with Israel. And Achish said to David, “You assuredly know that you will go out with me to battle, you and your men.”
2 So David said to Achish, “Surely you know what your servant can do.”
And Achish said to David, “Therefore I will make you one of my chief guardians forever.”
Saul Consults a Medium
3 Now Samuel had died, and all Israel had lamented for him and buried him in Ramah, in his own city. And Saul had put the mediums and the spiritists out of the land.
4 Then the Philistines gathered together, and came and encamped at Shunem. So Saul gathered all Israel together, and they encamped at Gilboa. 5 When Saul saw the army of the Philistines, he was afraid, and his heart trembled greatly. 6 And when Saul inquired of the LORD, the LORD did not answer him, either by dreams or by Urim or by the prophets.
7 Then Saul said to his servants, “Find me a woman who is a medium, that I may go to her and inquire of her.”
And his servants said to him, “In fact, there is a woman who is a medium at En Dor.”
8 So Saul disguised himself and put on other clothes, and he went, and two men with him; and they came to the woman by night. And he said, “Please conduct a séance for me, and bring up for me the one I shall name to you.”
9 Then the woman said to him, “Look, you know what Saul has done, how he has cut off the mediums and the spiritists from the land. Why then do you lay a snare for my life, to cause me to die?”
10 And Saul swore to her by the LORD, saying, “As the LORD lives, no punishment shall come upon you for this thing.”
11 Then the woman said, “Whom shall I bring up for you?”
And he said, “Bring up Samuel for me.”
12 When the woman saw Samuel, she cried out with a loud voice. And the woman spoke to Saul, saying, “Why have you deceived me? For you are Saul!”
13 And the king said to her, “Do not be afraid. What did you see?”
And the woman said to Saul, “I saw a spirit[a] ascending out of the earth.”
14 So he said to her, “What is his form?”
And she said, “An old man is coming up, and he is covered with a mantle.” And Saul perceived that it was Samuel, and he stooped with his face to the ground and bowed down.
15 Now Samuel said to Saul, “Why have you disturbed me by bringing me up?”
And Saul answered, “I am deeply distressed; for the Philistines make war against me, and God has departed from me and does not answer me anymore, neither by prophets nor by dreams. Therefore I have called you, that you may reveal to me what I should do.”
16 Then Samuel said: “So why do you ask me, seeing the LORD has departed from you and has become your enemy? 17 And the LORD has done for Himself[b] as He spoke by me. For the LORD has torn the kingdom out of your hand and given it to your neighbor, David. 18 Because you did not obey the voice of the LORD nor execute His fierce wrath upon Amalek, therefore the LORD has done this thing to you this day. 19 Moreover the LORD will also deliver Israel with you into the hand of the Philistines. And tomorrow you and your sons will be with me. The LORD will also deliver the army of Israel into the hand of the Philistines.”
20 Immediately Saul fell full length on the ground, and was dreadfully afraid because of the words of Samuel. And there was no strength in him, for he had eaten no food all day or all night.
I know what it is like to not have God. I know despair. With God I have Joy…not the "warm fuzzy feeling" but I have grace. I have been forgiven through confession and I have grace. Peace in my heart. I do not look for things from God but only to do His Will in all things.
- To seek and not find is a humbling experience, and that's precisely what makes it valuable. It reminds us that the "opportune moment" lies in God's hands, not ours. All we need do is continue, with patience and trust. (Edith Stein, looking back at her conversion process, could in faith affirm that God had counted her long search for truth as a single prayer).
- Deep friendship/love can afford moments of "silence": no need to converse; enough to know the other's there. God's always near… even in the silence.
But it's not really about our SEEKING Him and not getting an anwser. That is God's territory, the answer. If we sincerely look for Him in ourselves, in the world, and in others, He will give us what we need when we need it.
As others have said, going by feelings are not important. To some of us he gives those feelings and signs. To others, intellect to grasp His plan. To others, He gives a dark night of the soul…
What I would appeal to most are the words of Christ on the cross, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken Me?" He shares your feelings of loneliness and abandonment, He chose to do this so He could bring you home to Him…
If anyone's interested, I have a Catholic blog of my own…www.homethroughrome.blogspot.com. It's nopthing much, just a celebration of my personal journey!