How can parents help children stay strong in their faith?
One of the tough things about being a convert to a religious belief system is that you don’t have personal experience with raising children in that particular faith. I was recently talking to some fellow atheist-to-Catholic moms, and we all agreed that we feel like we’re fumbling around in the dark sometimes; it’s surprisingly hard to be a Christian parent and have no frame of reference for what a Christian childhood looks like.
Because of this, I’ve spent a lot of time soaking up wisdom from strong Christian families. For example, when I met a mother of 10 at a baby shower recently and heard that all 10 of her children (most of them grown) are devout Christians, I asked her a bunch of questions about faith and family life over plates of pastel-colored cake. When I overheard a woman at a social event remark that she and all three of her siblings have always had strong, vibrant relationships with Jesus, I struck up a conversation about how their religion played a role in their home growing up.
It’s been fascinating. As I’ve had all these discussions, I’ve been looking for trends: Are there any universal themes among the families with children who have maintained a strong faith live into adulthood? Any things that stand out as being bigger factors than others?
Let me rush in with the caveats here and say that I realize that raising faith-filled kids isn’t about doing this or not doing that. I don’t think that I can just ape everything these other Christian parents have done and — voila! — all my kids will be saints. If I’ve learned one thing in my time as a Christian, it’s that faith is about having a relationship with God, and relationships aren’t about formulas and checklists. I also believe that, when children fall away from faith, in most cases it’s not because their parents did something “wrong,” but rather because of some confluence of forces at work in each individual person’s psychological makeup and environment.
That said, I do think it would be helpful to those of us who still have young children (and especially to those of us who are also converts) to have a discussion about what the most important things are that parents can do to pave the road for their children to have a deep, lasting relationship with God. Again, there are no magic formulas, and whether each child chooses to follow the road that’s been paved for him is up to him and God alone. But what can parents do to set their children up as well as possible in that department?
In my little informal study, I found three factors that almost every single family had in common:
- The parents prayed for their children to have faith
- The children saw the parents rely on God in real, concrete ways (e.g. if the father didn’t get a big promotion at work he’d pray about what God wanted him to do next, express trust that God would bring good out of the situation, etc.)
- The parents and children prayed together at least occasionally
The families I talked to were surprisingly diverse in terms of the parents’ outward holiness, faithfulness to church attendance, type of schools the kids went to, amount of time spent in group prayer, etc. — yet all of them had those three factors in common. (And I should note that I’m using the plural “parents” as shorthand: I did talk to some single-parent families and families where only one parent was a believer.)
That data has given me a lot of great food for thought as I set out into this strange new territory of Christian motherhood, but I undoubtedly have a lot left to learn. I’d be interested to hear from you: What do you think are the most important things parents can do to help children stay strong in their faith?
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My mom's example of faith caused me to return to church (Protestant) after my first child was born. (Mom died when I was 18.) For my own children, we used a method I wouldn't recommend. My husband was not a Christian when my kids were little and I attended church in spurts. (Sometimes it didn't seem worth the fight.) When I became more committed about my faith, my kids saw the change in me. Then my husband converted and they saw a HUGE change in him and in our family life. The kids were 12 and 10 at the time and the difference faith made in our lives continues to influence them. My son is now 22 and became Catholic this year. My husband and I will be in RCIA this fall. I continue to pray for my daughter, now 20, to join us in the Catholic church.
Pray and be real and let your kids see how your faith impacts your daily life.
A parent can do no more than set an example, discipline, educate, love and pray for their children. Mothers should look to the Blessed Virgin for quiet strength and loving help, fathers to St Joseph. No matter what trials we encounter, look to the Holy Family.
Monday thru Friday just before bedtime, together as a family, pray one decade of the Rosary, parents say at least one more decade for your children. As a family eat dinner together, a family must communicate and this is the best time for learning about what is going on in your children's lives. Expect whining, stubbornness and revolt, this is all part of growing up but as a parent accept it with love and good humor.
A major influence in my becoming Catholic were the signs of devotion, family prayer and parental love that I felt in the homes of my childhood Catholic friends.
Gina,
I wanted to comment on your comment about sticking your kids in a whirl of church activity. And that is that you have to know your kid's personality and whether or not they will dig that kind of thing, or if it would be too much. I just wanted to comment further because I was one that mentioned that my parents encouraged us to go to retreats and conference. And by that I mean, probably once a year. And they were life-changing for me.
I grew up among Christians in the Bible Belt. My family are at least nominally Baptist, and my mother put some effort into basic childhood religious teaching–seeing that my sister and I learned some Bible stories, went to Sunday school sometimes, etc.–but it was all pretty shallow and most of it dried up by the time my younger sister was old enough to pay much attention. I was an unbeliever by 13.
I spent my twenties and early thirties as a neo-pagan. The thing I heard again and again from pagans in online discussion groups and also in RL, about why they were pagan, was that, "Religion for us pagans isn't something we do for an hour on Sunday, but something that suffuses our daily life." Look beyond the self-congratulatory tone and the exaggeration I suspect was often at play in the part about how paganism affected their daily lives. These were people who at least WANTED religion to affect their daily lives, wanted it to be important; or, to put it another way, they thought that if religion really were important, then it would affect your daily life. They didn't see that in the Christian homes they came from. So they looked elsewhere.
As I said, I heard this "just an hour on Sunday" thing again and again. That's why I think the most important thing Christian parents can do is to make expressions of the faith be part of your daily life. Not every family will do that in the same way, but there have been some great suggestions on this thread–different kinds of daily prayer, praying for firemen and ambulances when they pass you, saying "I was wrong, please forgive me" when you mess up, having religious art in your home, reading Bible stories to the kids, having Catholic literature in the home, discussing the faith, and so on. Fun stuff like special decorations or meals for some of the holy days or saints' days would be great too.
I think it would also be a great idea to occasionally let your children know that you don't always find the faith easy to live. Maybe letting the kids know that you also find it hard to pray for people who've wronged you or, for another example, to refrain from gossipping, but that you try because you doing what God wants is important to you. Obviously you have to use some discernment here (I can easily imagine an adolescent saying, "Why should I go to mass when even you admit you're sometimes tempted to sleep in"), but this seems to me a good way to let them know that religion does affect your daily choices and that you think living the faith is worth it even when it isn't easy.
I realize that raising faith-filled kids isn't about doing this or not doing that. . . . faith is about having a relationship with God, and relationships aren't about formulas and checklists.
So, I missed the whole discussion, I see.
But this quote captures it precisely, I think. It's not about doing Christianity with your kids, it is about living the faith, having Christ in your heart. It is not what you do, but what you are. It is not about being "a" Catholic, it is about being Catholic.
With kids, it is about having Christ be a part of their very being, part of their nature. That does not mean praying and going to Mass and doing explicit Catholic activities all the time, so much that they come to be bored and hate these things. But it does mean some prayer and going to Mass regularly — as part of one's normal, natural routine, and not making a big deal of it and not as fulfilling some "obligation." It means having a crucifix and some religious art on the wall. It means letting them see you loving others, living the virtues.
It means not bad-mouthing the Church, or the music, or the priests, or the bishops, etc., ever. The Church is their mother, as much as you are. And just as no one should talk smack about you to them, neither should a parent say such things about the Church in the presence of their children.
It means instilling in them a thirst for Love and Truth, and helping them to discover that the entirety of the Faith is grounded in love and truth. It means being a light to them, letting them know about hope, true authentic hope — that although we are in the world, we are not of this world, and one day all the things of this world will turn to dust, but they need not worry, even if everything they have is lost, they need not worry if they have The One True Hope.
In short, it means fulfilling your Confirmation mission — to be a witness for Christ in all that you do and are.
And then realize that they WILL stray. And let them. Let go of their hand and let them stumble in their attempt to walk by themselves. After you've done what you can, let the Holy Spirit do some of the work. Give Him something to do, rather than thinking that you have to do it all yourself.
It doesn't look like you need anymore suggestions to this post but I have to say that its very important in this culture to make sure your kids understand that we (Catholics, our fam) does not apologize bc we do things differently. E.g., when Suzy wants to date at 14, the answer is no & the reason is bc we know that she's too precious to trust to anyone else at that stage of her life. When confronted with: "I am the ONLY one in my class who can't", we say, "That's not at all surprising bc we do things differently bc we our beliefs are different etc etc."
I.e., We model Believing Catholic Behavior & are not intimidated by our own children. Imagine.
The three most important things you can do:
1. Family Rosary – daily if possible. Even just doing a decade together if you're strapped for time.
2. Family Rosary
3. Family Rosary
I haven't read all the comments, so my $.02 might be repetetive…
I think it's imperative for kids to see their parents pray, read the Bible, talk about Jesus/God/etc. daily and bring faith into every aspect of daily living.
My parents implemented a really neat technique when I (and my siblings) were growing up – in many circumstances, instead of just telling us yes or no when we asked to do/have something, they told us to check the Bible to see if God had any "words of wisdom" for us. I remember wanting to get my ears pierced when I was about 10 or so and my mom sent me to the Bible with a pen and paper to see what I could find. I discovered several verses about bodily adornment, including earrings specifically, and presented my findings to my parents…who then took me to get my ears pierced!
As a Catholic, I think sometimes parents err on the side of cramming the catechism into their kids' heads instead of focusing on the relationship with Jesus aspect of Christianity – I don't quite know why that is, but I've struggled with that myself as a parent and my hubby and I are really trying to balance Catechism with the Bible itself (i.e. don't tell the kids what the catechism says, relate it back to the Bible and WHY it says what it does) as well as demonstrating to our kids what a prayerful relationship with the Lord looks like.
Yikes, I wrote a novel. Sorry 'bout that!
practice what you preach. especially practice the virtues of honesty and humility. I can imagine that it would be difficult to admit your mistakes to your children, and to show them that even parents are only human and that you are striving to be a better, more loving, fair, understanding parent to them. But to do these things, in my humble opinion, would plant the seeds of the same virtue in a child. oh, and always, ALWAYS, bring them to church. making them involved in church activities would help a lot.
Lauren — very true. That's why I stressed that every child is different and that the whirl of church activities does work for some kids. Thanks for reinforcing that.
I'm sorry I don't have time to read all the wonderful comments!
I'm reading Gregory and Lisa Popcak's new edition, Parenting with Grace, right now. The first four chapters are a fascinating argument for self-donative love shown by parents to children as the way to teach them about the relationship between God and each of us — and how they should develop their own abilities to serve their families and communities. They focus mainly on the two virtues they believe are most important: love and responsibility. I haven't read the book yet, but I'm beginning to feel like they have a grasp on how to live the life Christ wants for a family in a way I haven't seen before.
My Catholic childhood did not provide an exceptionally sound basis for my faith, though we went to Mass and CCD, sometimes even Catholic schools. My own children are still very young, but I very much hope to give them a stronger start.
Put their souls first. Pray a lot.
Put family second.
Everything else is third.
and be realistic about moral development. Get the book "Raising Good Children" by Thomas Lickona and use it a guide to what to expect from your children at certain ages.
My children are 24, 25, 28, 31. All of them are papists.
as scripture says, Trust in God, not man.
People are sinners. But we all belong in church. People are wrong. But God isn't. That's why we have confession and the Eucharist.
Teach them apologetics.
About the rosary.
A friend told me to go into the living room and pray the rosary out loud and that my children would eventually join me.
They did.
If they don't, say it anyway. Be sure they hear the names of the mysteries you are meditating on.
Pray it out loud while you watch them, while you clean house, while you are in the car. Tell them, I will say a rosary about that and do. You are going to hit some rough spots – when you really feel it is not necessary or you feel too tired or bored, say the rosary.
One more thing about the rosary – the friends I have who have children who don't say the rosary as adults, said it with their children, but said it
r e a l l y s l o o o o o o w,
with lots of extra intentions, made it very boring or super infantile and NEVER SAID prayers of deliverance with their children other than the St. Michael prayer. Get JPII's Latin rosary to get up to speed on this; he shows how to be reverent and keep up a good tempo at the same time.
Also, tell your children stuff before their friends do. Don't lie, don't sugarcoat or set up unrealistic utopias. They will have to fight to be good – make the fight fun!
Lots of great ideas here! I linked to this post on my weekly roundup (and, as I was scrolling through the comments, I saw A Continual Feast recommended – coincidentally, in my roundup post I also linked to ACF's blog!) Thanks for sharing, everyone!
I can only comment as an Anglican (Episcopalian). Both my husband and I were christened as children but then grew up in non attending households but were confirmed as young adults (19 and 21).
Do not be afraid to move church if it suits your family – not every 12 months obviously – but we changed 2 years ago after 13 years. Our children were begging not to go to church – they hated it and we weren't happy. Our new church is very geared to all ages – it took us a few weeks to get used to the different formats – but we are truly part of a church family now and the children (14 and 11) would be horrified if we missed a Sun morning.
Ignore your family if they are not church oriented. None of ours are – and we have had to field a lot of criticism for taking the children to church etc. We just keep telling them that it is important to us and that the children enjoy it.
Try to focus on Advent, Christmas, Lent and Easter as real "church" times rather than secular celebrations. I love "A Continual Feast" (as mentioned earlier) and also the Mennonite "A Simple Christmas" – we made a Jesse tree last year – but used the Catholic version online for our readings. We even did the simple thing of our Magi starting out in the kitchen and moving towards the crib each day and the children loved it. My husband was sceptical but he got into the spirit as well.
I try each day to integrate our faith into our lives and to talk to the children about what is moral as well as what is cool and to compare and contrast the two. We also try to live our faith by buying ethically and letting the children know what we are doing
I aggree with much of what people said in regard to how relationships are handled in the home regarding forgiveness, openness, etc. Here are some other points.
1. Attend mass every Sunday and every Holy Day (even on vacation)
2. Post the Pope’s prayer intention for the month somewhere in your home
3. Hang a crucifix (that has been blessed) in all bedrooms
4. Pray the rosary every Sunday as a family, and everynight with your spouse
5. Have your home blessed before moving in
6. Always have a rosary, blessed candles and holy water near by
7. Fill the home with Catholic literature (such as magazines for each appropriate age range in the home, and Catholic literature regarding architecture, art, the bible, the life of Jesus, Catholisism itself, history, books about saints, etc.)
8. Fill your home with Catholic games and toys for kids such as the ungame (Catholic version)
Have no cash to buy some real estate? Don’t worry, because it’s achievable to take the business loans to work out all the problems. Thus take a bank loan to buy all you want.