My answer to “Do you want more children?”
When people see me out and about with my four young children, one of the most common questions I get is, “Do you want more?” (Or, more accurately, “DO YOU WANT MORE?!?!?!?!“)
I’m never sure what to say. “Yes” doesn’t sound quite right. Our fourth baby in four-and-a-half years is only eighteen months old, so I can’t say that I’ve spent a lot of time yearning for another baby lately. In fact, I’ve never really been a baby person. I’ve never had that moment other women talk about of holding a newborn and thinking, “Oh, I want one!” On the other hand, “no” doesn’t encapsulate what I’m feeling either.
I’ve thought about this a lot over that past few months, and I eventually realized that I have such a hard time coming up with the answer simply because it’s not the right question. Here’s why:
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6 reasons why “Do you want more?” isn’t the right question
1. It’s not all about me
When I used to think about pregnancy and babies, I wouldn’t think a whole lot further than the first couple years of new life and how it would impact me. My first thoughts would be along the lines of, “But I don’t feel like being pregnant!” or “I don’t want to deal with all the work of the baby period!”
Thanks in part to my conversion and in part to watching my children grow, I’ve since had the epiphany of realizing that those high-maintenance pregnancies and fussy newborns are actual human beings! I know this sounds crazy, but I had a total mental disconnect where I kind of forgot that all the adults I know and love were once fetuses and newborns themselves. I hadn’t internalized the fact that a new pregnancy will lead to a full human being, just like me. Now that I get it, when I evaluate when and if to have more children, I try to remember to consider the life of the potential new man or woman as much as I consider his or her impact on my own life.
2. It’s not all about what I want
One of the biggest revelations of my conversion was this:
Doing what I want ≠ Happiness
All my life I thought that if I could just spend enough time meditating on what I feel like doing and then amass enough control over my life to go do it, I’d finally have lasting happiness. I was shocked when I found out that that assumption was wrong. I was more shocked when I realized what is the path to lasting happiness: serving others.
I used to think that if I could just hurry up and stop having kids so that I could get back to living “my” life, I’d be happy. Now I see that, not only is serving others the right thing to do, but it’s the only path to joy and peace. So the ideas of not having more children vs. having more children aren’t all that different: either way, I’ll be sacrificing and serving.
3. I don’t have a crystal ball
Usually the “Do you want more?” question is stated as a long-term proposition: Do you want to have more children, ever? The scope of that question dizzies me. I’m 33. I likely have at least 10 years of fertility left. Even if I did feel absolutely, 100% certain that I was not up to having another child right now, I have no way of knowing how things might change even a month from now, let alone a year or ten years from now. God has yet to reveal a detailed, 10-year plan for me; heck, I can’t even seem to get him to give me a 10-day plan!
4. It’s important to have a “wholeness of vision”
Toward the end of his life, Sheldon Vanauken sought out the daughter whom his deceased wife Davy had given up for adoption when she became pregnant at 14. He ended up becoming close to the now-adult daughter, named Marion, and it profoundly affected him. Vanauken wrote:
I glimpse what [John] Donne meant in saying that any man’s death diminished him. I should be diminished if half a century ago Davy had clutched at the straw of abortion. And all the folk who have touched or shall touch the lives of Marion and her children and their children-to-be would be diminished.
The quote is from this must-read article by Chuck Colson, where he talks about having a “wholeness of vision.” Though he’s specifically talking about abortion there, I think that seeking that wholeness of vision is critical whenever we evaluate the possibility of new life. I have no idea how things might play out in my life or in the world around me. I can’t imagine how differently a new child might fit into our family two, three, four or more years from now. I can’t fathom what God might plan to do with the next human soul that I help bring into the world.
One thing that my blog readers have help me understand as I transitioned from a contraceptive to an “open to life” mentality is just how rapidly things change with children. Right now my kids are 6, 4, 3 and 18 months. When they’re 12, 10, 9 and 7, things will be different; and at 32, 30, 29 and 27, they’ll be more different still. I’ll be in a new place in my life; our family dynamic will have evolved. It would be unwise to make a long-term decision about whether or not to add a new person to our family based on the narrow view given to me by this moment in time.
When I have bad days it’s tempting to say that I simply couldn’t handle another kid any time in the indefinite future; it’s tempting to go into hyper-control mode and adopt a completely “closed to life” mentality. But then I think of Vanauken and Colson’s words about having a wholeness of vision. I imagine our Thanksgiving dinnertable 20 years from now, and I remember that the only important thing I’ll leave in this world is the love that I shared — and I’d be wise to make sure I don’t miss any opportunities for that.
5. I’m not good at knowing what I want; I’m terrible at knowing what I need
As I said in #2, I learned the hard way that what I think I want is often not the path to lasting happiness. Similarly, what think I need and what I actually need are two different things. And never has this been more true than with children.
If you had told me five years ago that I’d have four children today, I would have assured you that I simply couldn’t do it. No way. I don’t have the right temperament. I’m the most impatient, selfish introvert I know. I would have assured you that it would be a disaster for all involved. And yet having four closely-spaced children has been a blessing in so many ways. Not only do I have the pleasure of being the mother to these precious souls, but it’s caused me to learn and grow in ways I never could have if things had played out my way. Though I didn’t exactly plan to have four children so close together, it turned out to be exactly what I needed.
6. I’m not afraid
I’ve written before about how I’ve noticed a great fear of life in our culture. It’s understandable: there’s so very much that can go wrong in the process of having children. From pregnancy (or adoption) complications to health issues for the baby to increased grocery bills to college tuition costs, there’s so much to worry about when evaluating the prospect of new life. It’s tempting to say you don’t want to have more kids simply out of fear of all that could go wrong!
As longtime readers know, we’ve had our own challenges in that department: When I was pregnant with our second child, about two weeks after I saw the truth of the Church’s teaching on contraception, I was diagnosed with a life-threatening blood clot in a major vein. It turns out it was caused by a rare genetic clotting disorder that’s exacerbated by pregnancy. My doctors told me I couldn’t have any more kids. Then, when that second baby was five months old, I got an unexpected positive pregnancy test. We were drowning in medical bills from the last pregnancy. We didn’t have insurance that covered pregnancy. The medicine to prevent clots would cost us $900/month. We didn’t even have our own house; we were living with my mom at the time.
That experience was one of my first encounters with that old saying that “every baby comes with a loaf of bread under his arm.” I first heard a version of that adage from a friend who grew up in a family of seven children in abject poverty in Mexico. Despite the fact that they never had enough to eat and were too poor to own even beds or blankets, she insisted that God sends down special assistance for every new baby. As God guided my family through our own time of difficulty, I was stunned by just now true this is. And I learned the lesson yet again when I had another unexpected pregnancy the next year.
It’s an exaggeration to say that I’m not ever afraid of welcoming new life into the world anymore — but I certainly have a whole lot less fear now that I’ve seen how powerfully God works in the lives of couples who are open to life.
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So that’s the answer I’d like to give next time I’m asked, “Do you want more?” (Though, knowing me, I’ll probably just laugh awkwardly and slink off.) It’s worth noting that this doesn’t mean that I throw all caution to the wind when it comes to the possibility of future children. We use Natural Family Planning while remaining “open to life” (you can read about what that means here). We decide on a month-to-month basis whether we think right now would be a good time to have another baby — and there are plenty of times that that answer is “no.” But I’m always aware that, when it comes to new human beings, it’s about so much more than what I want.
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I really appreciate this post, Jen, and have had so many of these same thoughts! Hopefully I can do a Show & Tell link-fest sometime soon and feature this one.
Jess @ Making Home recently posted..Chronicling Babywise – Weeks 8 through what are we up to now 14
Thanks for the great blog post. It was just what I needed to read today. My wife and I have been working through 14 years of infertility. Included in that is 2 miscarriages two years ago. We have always put the child thing in God’s hands. We did adopt our beautiful daughter 10 years ago. She is quite a challenge with severe autism. We are also blessed to have insurance coverage for IUI and are trying that now. We feel compelled to do it at this time even though we have had that coverage for the past 8 years and could have done it at any time during that period.
Thanks again for your words. God bless you and your family.
I am a convert to the Catholic faith, and honestly the “no birth control” doctrine was one of the easiest for me to accept. It just made sense to me. I loved the faith it requires and the respect it gives to the husband wife bond. We have 2 babies – 3 years old and 16 months (both high risk pregnancies, the youngest being born 6 weeks early) and I miscarried at 11 weeks in June. People ask me this all the time and my answer is simply, “we are Catholic so we let God decide that!” said with a sweet smile and then I move on.
As a sidenote I am too lazy to really learn NFP and take my temp daily (we did take the class). So we use an app on my Droid phone called “My Days” it is free and we have successfully avoided pregnancy for the last 5 months using it. It is basicly the rythmn method, so we understand it isn’t nearly as accurate but we are ok with that.
I may be wrong, but isn’t overpopulation the main reason that humans are over-exploiting God’s beautiful planet? Yes – people should have kids, but simple maths shows that if everyone has too many kids then the whole project is doomed to overcrowding (unless we establish bases on other planets/wars and famine limit our numbers). Just a thought!
overpopulation is a lie, easily believed in the middle of a city, but less so when flying over a country and seeing miles and miles of open land. The world needs more good people that will farm the land and take care of others instead of sit around and play video games and complain about overpopulation because it was crowded at the grocery store last week.
Yes, Stu, you are wrong.
Is that it? Is this a discussion? Or just a “please leave comments that agree with me” blog? I am a practising Christian who cares about the plight of our planet. I read a lot. I teach science. I love checking my facts. I have links with the Hadley Centre (look it up). We’re all going to hell in a handbasket unless we sort out the prob of overpop – God won’t be encouraging us to wreck his BEAUTIFUL CREATION (and I have no faith in sci/tech to sort out ALL of our manmade problems, other than as a sticking plaster (or band aid).
I dunno, Stu. Limiting is a pretty drastic measure. Why can’t we start with easier stuff. Like, no more subdivisions with 4000 sq ft homes inhabited by families of four.
Yes, I’m saying that tongue in cheek, but really, limited our resource use makes more sense to me than limiting people. Especially if you consider that large Catholic (or large ANY really) families are a very very small percentage of the population. I would think that limiting resource using on a large scale will have more of an impact than the, what, 2% of Catholic families who have 6 kids.
Stu, I disagree with you about the “plight of overpopulation.” Would you post some links showing us how the earth is going to get wrecked if we don’t stop having so many children?
I understand (or I think I do) your argument that if everyone keeps multiplying, then the earth will be overcrowded (and perhaps using too many resources?). You have to remember that not everyone is multiplying. There are infertile couples plus there are those that if they listen to God’s word (according to the Catholic faith) will become priests, nuns and other religious. Obviously, they wouldn’t be multiplying.
We all care about the plight of our planet. I really do believe that God does not want us to use birth control…at least, in the forms that are popular in today’s culture, i.e. pills, condoms, etc. Because I believe wholeheartedly in the Catholic teachings, I am putting all of my faith in God.
If you have links that show how we are all going to “hell in a handbasket,” I will check them out as time allows. If I don’t find them credible, I’ll let you know but please give me time as I have five gifts from God that need my attention. Thanks.
Thanks for engaging with me – I am trying to understand alternative viewpoints as well as contributing my own.
As for evidence for overpopulation, Rio de Janerio is a case in point. Slums. Overexploitation of Brazil’s resources. Destruction of habitat (I cried when I looked at the gash across the Amazon on Google Earth, and zoomed in to the Trans Amazon Highway, explored the side roads, and their side roads, and the farms that replaced ancient rainforest (and possibly wiping out hugely beneficial fauna, possible including cures for cancers etc….sorry….getting carried away now).
Fair point about limiting factors such as personal choice (my wifey and I are in this category) and infertility (male fertility the the UK has fallen by 50% in 50 years, most likely due to pollution of water supplies by synthetic chemicals).
Please also bear in mind that not everyone has the means to raise their children (at which point we get into the “who should be allowed to have children debate”)
I love sci-fi (or speculative fiction) as it often aims to realistically explore possibilities. When I was a kid I assumed we would find the means to colonise the planets pretty soon. In fact our technology has not kept pace with our dreams as we have put too much faith in science. And I write this as a science teacher!
Have you seen the film “Children of Men” where the entire planet becomes infertile? Absolutely harrowing. No-one but a psycho would want this.
Links
http://www.optimumpopulation.org/
Copy these 2 sentences into youtube’s search box (I never scroll down to the troll section!) First clip, 1 min, 2nd clip, about 10 mins This guy is an environmental hero who really knows his stuff first hand
David Attenborough – Important Message about Population
BBC Horizon – How Many People Can Live on Planet Earth? Must SEE
Tell me what you think.
BTW I AM NOT ANTI-CHILDREN: QUITE THE OPPOSITE!!!
Just realized that my comments below were probably more appropriately attached this thread–there are two different conversations on overpopulation going on, so I mixed them up. The comment about overpopulation of one city was specifically in response to Stu’s comment about Rio de Janeiro.
Jessica recently posted..Just a Number
The world population is now around 6.7 Billion. It more than doubled in the last 40 years, from 3 Billion.
There are now 259 persons per square mile of arable land. At this rate, which has remained constant for the last 40 years, there will be 960 persons per square mile of arable land.
But hey, thanks for procreating instead of adopting and leading us all to a future of hunger and war
Look, folks. The trolls have arrived with faulty information to get us riled up.
Sorry, AP. Won’t work… but I will remember you in my prayers at mass today.
Not trolling – honest! True, there is a lot of empty land, but that doesn’t mean the planet’s wonderful bounty is infinite. We are already seeing wars and famine due to shortages of resources (yes: and civil war, politics, etc, but it’s all connected, isn’t it?)
Every major civilization that got complacent and assumed the right to exploit everything without proper foresight hit a stumbling block (see Romans, Easter Islanders, etc – the evidence is right there in historical/archeological records).
So….have fewer kids, bring them up to conserve our amazing world, and preserve what God has given us. Or enjoy yourself, move inland when the seas rise (as they already are) and fight to defend whatever way of life you choose. I cannot sanction bringing life into the world right now as the main problem that the human race faces doesn’t seem to be a “shortage of personnel”.
It’s the “Elephant in the Room”, guys!
Stu,
Wars and famine are due to the selfishness and tyranny of a few who control resources.
The more people to dissent and fight this, the less the power of the few.
There is plenty of food and water. People live in deserts, for gosh sake.
Can’t you see that in a democracy, “a few who control resources” is the electorate, i.e. you and me? Everything we vote for, every change we bring about, or change we fail to being about through laziness/misguidedness had a knock on effect. As Christians we cannot separate ourselves from the responsibility we have for the custody (not ownership) of the amazing sphere we found ourselves born upon.
BTW this is an interesting discussion and I don’t consider myself to be a troll (in fact I’ve never played World of Warcraft in my life!!)
Stu,
The world population myth has been around for a long time.
I bought into it a long time ago, but was educated out of that
way of thinking.
Here are a couple of websites you may or may not have checked on:
http://www.aliveandyoung.net/2010/09/worlds-population-can-fit-comfortably.html
http://www.pop.org/content/debunking-myth-again-steve-mosher-debates-1962 (Steve Mosher was a big advocate of population control).
I am a reformed new ager.
Sorry, but the links refer to individuals who come into the debate with their minds already made up and agendas to push. Naughty. As good rational citizens/latest custodians of Starship Earth we should gather information THEN make conclusions, and not cherry pick the facts that suit our views (or make them up, or introduce non-sequiturs like the one below).
The bit about overpolulation being a “lie” because the entire global population would fit into Texas…..Texans frequently boast about how LARGE their state is, so how is this an argument?! I read once that all humans would fit onto the Isle of Wight in the UK. So what?
Also, wasn’t Stephen Mosher the discredited academic who was kicked out of his university for breaking US law and breaching ethical guidelines? Not sure we should be putting our faith in the hands of charlatans…..
God bless you Jessica! You are truly rational AND full of practical love.
I don’t know much about US adoption laws, but I know an awful lot of infertile UK couples who would love to adopt but aren’t due to the massive amount of beaurocracy involbed. so hopefully our new coalition government can do the right thing and make it easier for people to help the helpless.
BTW I am wary of any worldview that ends in “-ism” so single issue decisions such as the ones you have outlined above are the best if they are considered rationally using God’s love (and his gift of BRAINS to us!) Peace to all.
I’ve been following this discussion for a while now, and I hope you’ll allow me to interject as someone without a strong feeling on either side of the debate.
From the comments and links posted, it seems to me that the situation is roughly that population is declining in many “developed” countries, whereas many poorer or “third-world” have more people than can adequately share the resources available to them — land, food, etc.
The problem, then, with pointing to one overpopulated city, is that you can’t make generalizations about the world (“the world is overpopulated”) because what’s true in one place is not true everywhere.
On the other hand, the problem with making worldwide calculations, such as saying that everyone could fit in Texas or that we have enough food to feed 14 billion people, is that that assumes we’re willing to share. It assumes that when people have too little food, those with more than enough will share. And when there are too many people in too small a space, those with more space (Texas, perhaps?) will say, “Come on over!”
I don’t know the political views of people on this site, so I won’t make assumptions, but I do find a kind of sad irony in that many of my friends and acquaintances who are strongly anti-contraception and anti-abortion are the same ones who are quick to label any kind of wealth-redistribution negatively as “socialist” (despite this idea being in the Bible; e.g., John the Baptist saying, “The man with two tunics should share with him who has none, and the one who has food should do the same.”) and the same ones who are battling to keep immigrants from overpopulated, underresourced cities out of our country.
At best, it’s an oversimplification to say that “the world” is or is not overpopulated. There are certainly parts of the world where there are not enough resources available for the number of people there. And yet trying to force population control, such as China did, is generally looked down upon. So the question becomes, are the places who do have more than enough resources willing to share? If they’re not, then making calculations about the world as a whole is irrelevant.
I also think that telling an American mother with five children that she’s contributing to overpopulation (not that anyone on this site is, but clearly some people do say this) is a false conclusion to make. If those five children are, as some suggested, learning to live simply, as stewards of what they’ve been given, and to share with those who have less, then we’ve made progress.
On a final personal note, my husband and I plan to have a big family, but have no more than two biologically. Being a parent without a child, and knowing there are so many children without parents, I personally feel guilty creating too many more children myself. It has nothing to do with overpopulation and everything to do with the thousands of children needing to be adopted. This is just my own feeling, and I don’t think anyone else needs to feel guilty for having their own children. I just pray more people consider adoption as well.
Thanks for reading my two cents with an open mind
This has inspired me to write a blog post about this whole idea.
When you prevent procreation, you prevent the creation of new souls.
And I haven’t notice that prosperity makes for the best parenting.
Yes we want to keep trying until we get an ugly one!
Love that answer!
I’ve been saying lately that it’s up to my husband.
There’s a lot of truth to that, and it drives feminists crazy.
But what does that actually mean?
Here is an alterternative site, created by John and Sheila Kippley after they left CCL (they wrote the original manual for CCL) for those who might be interested in learning more about NFP. nfpandmore.org They offer a free manual, which is wonderful and user-friendly,that you can download. They are a wonderful and (obviously) brilliant couple and I highly recommend the site.
I thank you so very much,Jen, for writing this post. It’s beautiful and so true. It makes me sad to read some of the comments. Sad to realize that God’s will and divine plan is so often taken out of the equation when it comes to big ideas of our world. I wonder if those who are worried about overpopulation know that that same idea (overpopulation) was used by the woman who invented the Pill and that was one of the reasons– to keep our world the way want it instead of the way God has designed it. And it looks like it’s working, just not in the way it was thought to work: instead it’s one ofthe causes of breast cancer in women. Unintended consequence for playing God? Man and woman were created to procreate. women were made to carry babies. If we were meant to stop at 2.33, God could have easily made it so.
Thanks again Jen. I will hug my own 4 babies tomorrow and make sure not to tell the last couple of them that there are really folks out there who think they might take up too much space.
“I will hug my own 4 babies tomorrow and make sure not to tell the last couple of them that there are really folks out there who think they might take up too much space.”
That’s so sweet. I remember telling a friend, who told me I was selfish for wanting more than 2 children, that he was suggesting my father – a seventh child – should never have been born, effectively deducing that he believed I never should have been born. And even if he legitimized my father’s birth, I myself am the youngest of 4. It shut him up pretty quick.
Some people don’t even realize what they’re saying. They just repeat the platitudes they’ve been sold, and it’s not until they meet someone who represents the other side, that they must acknowledge there’s real people out there with whom they disagree.
Not to mention…WHO on earth calls women who have more than 2 kids selfish!?!? Mothering is the SINGLE most selfLESS job ever.
I am a 45-year-young mother of nine (plus one in heaven) and we have been approached many, many times with this question, as you can imagine. Our favorite answer to “Are you FINISHED yet?” is “Hmmm… we’re not sure. We’re still waiting on an ugly one.”
It gets the point across that we wish for them to mind their own business, but it also throws in some humor to keep it light. No matter what people ask, I’ve found that they are usually only curious as to how we do it all and keep our sanity or that they feel the need to say SOMETHING to commment on a lifestyle that is so unusual in this day and age. My answer is usually followed up by, “I always wanted more children”, not “Gosh, I wish I’d had fewer children.” I think that says it all.
To clarify, when I give my answer (waiting on an ugly one), other people usually follow up by saying that they wish that they had more children. In 24 years, I’ve never encountered a person who told me that they wish they had LESS! <3
Try, “Please don’t interfere with my reproductive rights.”
Bruce,
That is the winner!
And I am saying this novena to St. Gerard for the defeat of the diabolical forces of anti-life:
http://www.voicesforlife.net/2010/02/prayer-to-st-gerard-against-forces-of.html
We have nine children, the oldest just turned 12 today. My husband is deployed for six months and we homeschool. I truly didn’t think that I could handle this. Truly, I can’t, we can’t without Our Lord! The only way to DO it, is to trust that God will provide… and He ALWAYS does! Just when I am about to loose my cool, or have lost it.. someone always “pops” up and gives me that reminder how blessed I am. I am talking to you on a good day. We have plenty of rough ones… but we need to thank Him for those rough spots and be grateful.. they are our call to holiness. It is very hard, but we must love anyway! God bless you all!
I smile and simply answer “God knows” because only He does. And we’re thankful that he’s recently blessed us with our ninth. Would I be any less thankful if He decided to bless us with a tenth, eleventh or twelfth? I don’t think so, considering I’m as elated this time around as I was the first time, or second, or third…
Well said Tania, oh and a belated congrats on your 9th.
Christi_Momof16 recently posted..Waiting for our castle
Thank you Christie x
I have been a long time reader of your blog and have found you again. I am so glad that I did! I have spent this morning catching up with you! This is such a wonderful post.
I gave birth to my 7th baby just 2 months ago ( 10 years ago I would have thought someone was completely mad if they had told me I would have 7 kids!). Hubby and I kept talking about how 7 is probably enough and how we need to be careful. But then one day in the car while talking about the baby’s baptism and how I forgot to get a candle to my oldest, I said, “I will remember next time.”
She looked at me and laughed so hard. In that moment I knew, no matter what I plan or how much I plan, the truth is they are nothing compared to God’s plan! At least my sub-conscience knew it.
God bless!
I am a 39 year old Mom to 16 , been very blessed to give birth to them all,
21,19,18,16,14,13,11,10,8,7,6,5,4,2,1,2 months, so far, when I am asked, if we will have more, I just say “YES”.
Christi_Momof16 recently posted..Waiting for our castle
The perfect shirt to answer: http://www.cafepress.com/evilgeniusstore.90523572
I’ve been following the comments on here for a while and when I saw the below article, I thought of the conversation on here about controlling the population. I’m not saying anyone on here is pro-abortion (or not for that matter) but I do beg the question: how is the concept of overpopulation that different than what the PP president is proposing? I would very much like to hear what you all think. If you care to take the time.
http://www.lifenews.com/2010/10/26/nat-6794/
They (PP) also consider contraception preventive health.
Plus – it will prevent the creation of lots of souls!
Parenthood for me is the beginning of understanding the directive from Jesus that to save your life you must lose it. Nothing I’ve experienced has required me to give up more yet gain so much as parenthood. It is maddening and fulfilling all at once.
Thankyou for the time you put into this post. It was written so well! I love the part about each baby coming with some “bread” under his arm. That got my heart. It will stay with me forever.
I identify so much to you in many ways. We are the same age, have four really close children, gave up our faith and had a conversion. I used to be like you, did not want children or religion, being really independend and then got married. Everything changed since then, and my kids became my world. Even though 2 of them have specials needs I still contemplated the idea of more children. We discuss a lot about adoption or natural children, since genetically we have 90% chances of having another child with the same problems. But even there I do not think it will be wrong to take the chance, they are so wonderful the way they are sickness or not. They see the world so differently than I do, but they bring me closer to God.
Continue your writings it is amazing to read what I think from so young woman.
I’m glad you’re enjoying your family. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a lot of kids. But don’t tell me for a minute you didn’t plan and want them or that you left it up to god. You are an intelligent woman and I’m sure know how not to get pregnant. This is something you want, why can’t you just admit it?
And yeah, “god” provides for every baby, right. Any recent trips to Africa, lately? What has god done for those people, other than give them aids and hunger? I love how all you affluent people (yes, just eating and having shelter is affluent to many people on this planet) give god credit for pulling them through the tough times. Your tough times would be heaven to some people. You are lucky, plain and simple and they are unlucky. But unlucky is preferable to cursed which is what they would be if your god actually existed.
My standard response is “The three I have are such a joy – I hope so!” And when people comment that I have my hands full I say “In my life I’ve had my hands empty and my hands full. I’ll take full any day.”
GREAT post! Just found your blog, and look forward to reading more.
The question I have gotten for the past 25 years is, “Aren’t you done yet?” Our first baby was a boy … with a girl following just 14 months later. Everyone thought we should be done, since we had gotten the “perfect family” (whatever that is).
To make a very long story short … we were NOT done … and had no idea what the Lord had planned for the next 25 years.
We had our first 5 babies in 4 years. (We found out we were expecting twins, when the “older” kids were just 1, 2, 3.)
On the day the twins turned 1, we found out that #6 was on the way.
Then … we slowed down the pace.
Our first 6 “batch” (3 boys / 3 girls) are all grown and gone now. We are so very glad that we didn’t stop at just a 1/2 dozen. No. Now, we are enjoying life with the next 1/2 dozen (another set of 3 boys / 3 girls).
With 3 of our older kids getting married this year, we are excitedly looking forward to the grandparent stage, sometime in the next few years.
Children are a BLESSING, and I commend you on allowing the Lord to show you the answer to the question of whether or not He has more children for you, rather than focusing just on what YOU WANT.
Blessings,
Laurel
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Once you get to seven, they stop asking. They know you are obviously so crazy there is no hope in getting a rational response.
Carrie – just use hormonal contraception and don’t tell your priest about it, like 98% of Catholic women.
Dave, I hope you’re joking because it would be horrible to think so low of women as to wish mortal sin on them. You do know (don’t you?) that contraception is a mortal sin. And there are very good reasons for it.
What a beautiful post. As a mother of 4 young children and a little more advanced in age than you are now, I am in a quandary about the possibility of a fifth child. On the one hand, I want to obey God and keep my body open to His plans, yet on the other hand, I am scared of getting pregnant again – (1) for health reasons, and (2) because of what I may hear. You may find it quite silly of me, to say the least, to be mindful of #2, but unfortunately, it affects me. I do need to pray more and ask for God’s help to be submissive to Him and not to public opinion.
My husband’s favorite response to that question, “It’s no sacrifice to be surrounded by people that love us.”
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I’ve been reading your blog for a while and only just stumbled upon this post.
I’ve now got three children, after starting out only planning for two! Having three is quite a bit more demanding and I often laugh now when I see parents getting stressed out with just the one child!
Oh, how easy that was!!!
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Excellent blog. These points apply to anyone, regardless if your challenge is little ones close together, or no little ones at all. We can participate in our fertility with God, but sometimes, it’s just not about our plan at all. And when it’s not, the question needs to be, not “Why not my plan God” but “What is Yours”.
My oldest sister and I are 14 months apart and then our folks had a total of 5 spread out over 14 years (with 2 miscarriages between the last 2). They really loved having an children and let us know we were loved, even when the money was tight, and everyone had to pitch in. I am so grateful for a sister close to my age and for a large family overall. Since I have not been able to have kids of my own, I always tease my sibs and nephews them that I’m going to be the aunt who comes to live with them when I’m old someday, so save me a room!
My husband and I also invest a lot of time in our community that parents of young families do not have to give at this stage of their lives. It takes all of us together to make community work for the greater glory!
I know this is an old post, but I wanted to say how much I enjoyed it. A mutual friend forwarded me your blog. At 38 yearss old, my husband and I are currently expecting our 6th child. After having 3 children very close together, God gave us a 4 year break. Then we had #4 quickly followed by surprise #5 and now 4 years later, surprise #6 (which may be followed by #7, so I don’t have an “only child.”) It’s funny how sometimes we think we know what we want, but then God opens our eyes and gives us grace to enjoy and survive different circumstances. My children are 15, 13, 11, 6, 4, and due in March, and I love them all dearly!
Just found your blog and love it! Especially this post about a 30 something practicing NFP just like me. We use the creigthon method for those who are looking for a reliable method, and have had a lot of success. 3 babies so far with no surprises. Looking forward to reading more of your writing and hearing about your book.
You’re so lucky. I would’ve LOVED four babies in as many years, but apparently breastfeeding is the perfect, natural “contraceptive” for me. We, like your family, went from contraceptive-users to God’s-plan-for-our-family people. We have a six-year old and a 23-month old (he’s still nursing) and I’ve been aching for another since he was a year old. We’ve been actively trying (I’ve been temping and using OPKs and all that) for many months, to no avail. I’m 31 and had no issue conceiving our boys, and now I can’t to save my life. When you said at 33, you probably have 10 years of fertility left, it struck me because I thought it would be easy-peasy to get pregnant again. Except I forgot to add in the whole nursing thing. And I bet you were nursing when you got pregnant! I guess I’m just unlucky or God doesn’t see fit to bless me with another right now. But it’s so hard to accept that when I devote my life, my body, to my babies and I try so hard to be the best mama I can be. We cosleep and I breastfeed and we cloth diaper and we are gentle disciplinarians. It’s shaken the core of my faith, this battle with infertility. It is literally testing my foundation in Christ. I see other women conceive, drug-users and women with multiple kids from multiple fathers that are terrible to their children, and I don’t understand. I know I’m not meant to, but it twists my heart and breaks me down, until I’m usually crying, begging on my knees for a baby. Anyway, I didn’t mean to unload my mental garbage in this comment. I guess when I read this post, I longed to be you. In a position where conceiving is easy, heck, it happens without even trying! I’d give anything to be in your shoes.
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Hi Tricia, I read your comment and related with it very much! My first 2 babies were conceived so easily (and are 3 1/2 years apart), and when we were hoping to conceive our third, it wasn’t happening (btw, I am 30 years old, use Creighton, co-sleep, breastfeed). I remember going to a Catholic homeschooling conference last year and I ended up leaving there so depressed because I was envious of all the big, wonderful, families I was seeing….I didn’t understand why God was allowing us not to conceive. I felt like no one really understood what I was going through emotionally because most of my friends conceived so easily. When God places that desire for another child on your heart, it is painful when it doesn’t happen….no matter how long it takes! I just want to encourage you to not lose hope, and to pray, pray, pray! I am currently 16 weeks pregnant with our 3rd and it took a year and half of active trying (a year and a half of targeting all of my fertile times, and I have a regular 28 day cycle). Do you have a Creighton dr? I ended up having slightly low progesterone during the late luteal phase, and my Creighton Dr. said I could try progesterone (prometrium) and I do think it helped us to conceive. My faith was tested during that time like it never had been before (and I had all the same thoughts you did), but I knew objectively that God is always good and He uses these times of suffering to prune us and to learn to trust Him with our lives …it’s hard though! I also asked Saint Anne to pray for me often…and I believe she did take a lot of my prayers to the Lord (and she understands the desire for a baby). I will pray for you!! I will pray that you will not lose hope and faith and that you will trust that our Loving God knows the desires of your heart, and that you will be blessed with a baby soon! xo!
Its funny because I get the question very often , Will you have more children , right now I’m pregnant with the 4th child . When they see me pregnant and with my other 3 children they are amazed how I can handle so many kids . That question pups up Do you want more children ? I usually say Whatever God plan is I’m open and then is silence for few minutes. I feel the same as the you when I was thinking if I have enough love and strength to handle another life. Your story helped me understand that my children are here to help me to bring the best out of my heart which is love , patience , gentleness. Thank you for you testimony