In which I ponder my horrible fate and consider getting a RelaxMan

Well, that whole “sleeping” thing was nice while it lasted. Not that I had been doing a ton of it anyway. The baby keeps waking up in the middle of the night to yell for no particular reason (as my husband commented at 3:48 AM, “She seems to have lost her association of ‘darkness’ with ‘shut the &%*$ up'”). For a while that bothered me, and I wished that I could go ahead and not be jolted from peaceful slumber by the shouts of a 13-month-old dictator, but it’s all moot now, since I’m going to spend the entirety of every evening standing in the center of my room in a hazmat suit with a can of Raid.

This decision was occasioned by Yaya telling me this morning that she was stung by a scorpion that was in her bed last night. In true Texan form, she was not relaying the story because she found it remarkable that she was attacked by a scorpion while she slept, but because she wanted to let me know that she kept it for the kids to play with. They went over there for a visit this afternoon, and (when, O when, will this kind of thing stop surprising me) they tried to get back in the car with this:

scorpion in a bag In which I ponder my horrible fate and consider getting a RelaxMan

[UPDATE 1: It turns out that this was not the scorpion from the bed attack, but another one that the kids found on the couch just now.]

[UPDATE 2: Kill me.]

[Update3: They found yet a ANOTHER scorpion later that day, bringing the total to three. I need an evacuation helicopter to get me out of here NOW.]

It is hard to describe how I reacted to seeing my four-year-old holding a bag containing a very active scorpion, then having said bag waved two inches from my face as she jumped around and begged me to let her take it home. Let’s just say it ended with, “Mommy shouldn’t say those words. Don’t repeat that.”

Anyway, this chart is now even more ominous, as the other people I know who have scorpions in their houses are have been stung in bed multiple timesnow.

chart scorpions In which I ponder my horrible fate and consider getting a RelaxMan

They’re coming for me. It’s only a matter of time.

What will it be like when it finally happens? Perhaps it will get wrapped up in my in my pajamas and sting me repeatedly as I thrash around in terror and agony, screaming to the heavens for mercy, only to have each move elicit further stings. Then I realize with explosive despair that, given the fact that it is impossible to kill scorpions on carpets, there is no way that I could kill it on the bed, even if I could get it out of my pajamas. Pounding it with a shoe would just make it mad, then it would get away from me, and would return for vengeance, just at the moment that I went back to sleep. Left with no other option, I throw myself out of the second-story window, yet the impact isn’t enough to kill the creature, and I lie in our back yard, my bones broken, unable to move, and the scorpion KEEPS STINGING ME OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!!!! (Not that I have carefully developed this scenario through hours and hours of lying awake thinking about it.)

Let me interrupt the sharing of my tortured middle-of-the-night visions to say that I know that someone has already begun composing an email to tell me that I shouldn’t try to kill scorpions. Don’t do it. For one thing, I might injure my finger from the force and speed I would employ to press the Delete button. Also, writing up anti-scorpion-killing emails directed to me is the apex of futility; it is the very epitome of the phrase complete and utter waste of time. I got a few after I wrote about my son being stung in the face, and had to explain that I adhere unwaveringly to this decision making flowchart:

scorpion decision tree In which I ponder my horrible fate and consider getting a RelaxMan

Another exercise in futility would be to ask me if I have ever been stung by a scorpion at all yet. A friend inquired about that the other day, and I just froze and made a pained groaning noise. I cannot speak of it. I have become deeply superstitious about this issue, and know that to answer in the negative would ensure that I would be the victim of a particularly bizarre and terrifying attack by the end of the day. (IMPORTANT NOTE TO THE MYSTERIOUS FORCES THAT CONTROL THESE THINGS: I did not just say that I have never been stung by a scorpion; I merely noted that IF I had miraculously avoided this fate so far, I would not speak of it.) I know, I know, we’re not supposed to be superstitious. But, in my defense, I have witnessed firsthand the power of the poop fates, and I did have a scorpion on my couch within 12 hours of writing that I hadn’t seen one in months.

Anyway, let me know if you have any suggestions for how I could handle this situation. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far:

    1. Crawl into a corner with a bottle of wine and scream, “They’re going to get me!!! I CAN’T ESCAPE!!!!!”
    2. Learn to sleep standing up while balancing on a small stool.
    3. Buy a RelaxMan.
    4. Ask Stacey Adams¬†if he offers a package where he moves in with you. Some people have live-in nannies, I’ll have a live-in exterminator.

Now that I think about it, #3 looks pretty promising. Sure, they cost $50,000 (+$2,500 shipping and handling), but when you think about what we’d avoid having to spend in Valium prescriptions and intensive psychiatric care for me, we’d really be saving money. I am deterred not at all by the fact that we don’t have the money, or by thought that if we were to take on $52,500 in debt there might be something better we could use it for. Who needs a college education or a luxury vehicle when you can have the security of sleeping in a hermetically sealed tube? Sure, some folks might make fun of me when they see what looks like a giant white space capsule in the center of the living room — but we’ll see who’s laughing when they’re being stung by scorpions in the middle of the night and I’m not!

But wait. It occurs to me as I write this: What if I accidentally left it open during the day, a scorpion crawled inside, and I ended up TRAPPED IN THE RELAXMAN WITH A SCORPION!!!!!

If you never hear from me again, assume I went with option #1.

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Enter the Conversation...

71 Responses to “In which I ponder my horrible fate and consider getting a RelaxMan”
  1. Sherry says:

    Where are you finding all these scorpions? I have lived in Texas all my life and have only once seen a scorpion—30+ years ago. I am not sure these people who say they have been stung by scorpions have REALLY been stung by scorpions.

    • Ottermom says:

      Being a native Texan myself, I can vouch for the fact that those bugs are pretty common. They are not necessarily in the more urban “downtown” areas of cities, but they are everywhere. I’ve never been stung, but I’ve had them run across (and under) my foot. I do know people that have been stung and I’m told it’s similar to a wasp sting – having had that myself, I can state that they probably hurt like the dickens! They are probably more concentrated in the central and southern part of Texas.

  2. Lisa says:

    Add us to the “in bed” group of people being stung– well, just my then-3 year old. Poor Clare.

    I was excited about leaving Scorpion Land (aka, Wimberley) for College Station next week until I learned about 1) CORAL SNAKES, 2) COPPERHEADS (CS is apparently the capital of Copperheads or something like that…), and 3) STILL MORE SCORPIONS. So, I’m trading scorpions for deadly snakes, more deadly snakes, and still more scorpions.

    In cheery news, when we saw a scorpion last week (at 11 pm, when it had the nerve to cross the floor in the kitchen, leading me to wonder just how often that happens and I have no idea it’s occurring…), we just squashed it by rolling a watermelon over it. I’ve grown so much in the last 4 1/2 years here in Scorpion Land.

    I’ll refer you to this for some suggestions on dealing with the buggers:

    http://cheerfullychaotic.blogspot.com/2008/04/time-to-live-and-time-for-scorpions-to.html

    Might I suggest the samurai?
    Lisa recently posted..Grandparent question- advice wanted!

  3. JoAnna says:

    We’ve lived in our house (in the Phoenix metro area) for 2.5 years and in that time we’ve seen about 5 scorpions. One in our bathtub, one crawling over my husband’s foot (!), one dead in the garage, one on our entertainment center, and one on our bedroom wall above our bed. Thankfully, no stings.
    JoAnna recently posted..Control

  4. LuAnne says:

    I. Just. Cannot. Imagine.

    And (oh, and I’m so sorry for saying this), I’m SO GLAD I DON’T LIVE WHERE YOU LIVE.

    However, I admire your ability to write about it with such wit!

    Now I must go and search the house for anything that creeps, crawls, stings, bites, or is not a human/domestic pet.

    Because you’ve made me nervous.

    Thanks!!
    LuAnne recently posted..choosing joy…

  5. MacBeth says:

    My son brought home a pet scorpion from college, in a plastic deli container tucked into his luggage (if any TSA agent saw it during x-ray scans, he probably decided against opening the bag). It’s huge. I understand the bigger ones have milder stings. Your unwanted visitors are quite small. Have you read My Family and Other Animals? The bit about scorpions is vividly fun.

  6. Holy Lord I thought crickets were bad. We get those at the Jersey Shore, especially if they’re not chemically treated but … yet another reason I could never live in Texas, much as I’d like to visit sometime!
    Thanks for the very vivid storytelling, and the laughs which I needed and also sent to a friend in need :)
    Christine Falk Dalessio recently posted..Joy and Delight

  7. JD says:

    Scorpions keep showing up in my house too! I don’t know why, but it’s getting to the point that I don’t even shriek when I see one, I just find the closest shoe, book or fly swatter and kill it. I have caught at least five in “sticky traps” that you can find at the grocery store near the mouse traps. Maybe you could just line the house with those?

    About the stings, a quick home remedy of a paste of water and baking soda helped ease the pain when I was stung.

  8. Mary says:

    I love that you made a chart! Not to ask a dumb question, but how do you ensure scorpions stay out of the Relaxman?
    Add my son to the stung in bed category (although it has been a few years); the scream I heard out of my husband when he encountered one in the shower still echoes in my ear.

  9. Rosemary A. says:

    I’m sorry, but…I’m not EVER coming to Texas!

  10. Erin says:

    St. Dominic of Silos is the patron saint against insect infestations. His picture has pride of place in my kitchen. (Thank goodness cockroaches aren’t scorpions. Yikes.)

    Also, isn’t it your husband’s job to check the bed before you get in it? Like, wasn’t that in your marriage vows? Because it should have been.

  11. Ana Hahn says:

    I think I will have this pulled up on my browser to read every morning, it will just make me happy.
    I loved your husband’s commentary on the baby waking in the night, capital H Hilarious.
    I hope you don’t get stung, seriously, I would not sleep either. At all.
    Ana Hahn recently posted..The Cling

  12. Sarah Webber says:

    I laughed until I cried. I’m so sorry. But you are a very good writer.

  13. Rachel says:

    I live near San Antonio and though I wouldn’t say I have an infestation, it sure freaked me out when I killed a scorpion in my house a couple weeks ago. I’ve seen my chickens eat scorpions whenever they find one…..maybe you need a yard chicken!

  14. TB says:

    I love your scorpion posts. It’s good you chose not to buy the relaxman since your fear of scorpions would probably be increased inside it by claustrophobia, taphophobia etc.

    Maybe you should let yourself be bitten in a controlled environment where you can expect it (agitate the scorpion and then put the jar containing it over let’s say your left arm (if you’re right-handed). Have ice close by and one of the people who are not afraid of the scorpion (one of your children or Yaya?) should be beside you to kill it or return it to a jar after it’s done its business.

    Think about it. There would be multiple benefits from you being able to put things in perspective (it’s not the worst thing in the world, and I don’t mean comparing it to some other scorpion related fantasy) to not having to expect that first time with such trepidation. Finally, but not entirely unimportant to your readers, you would have fresh material taking your scorpion stories to an entirely new level. Also you would firmly secure your position in scorpion related searches (did you know you were number one for phrase “being stung by scorpions”?) and could make lots of bucks in some pharmaceutical, psychotherapeutical and other markets (that socially awkward thing wouldn’t hurt either).

    There’s also this story from a protestant site, the page is entitled “When The Enemy Comes”:
    One day, I was standing in my office telling the story that a missionary friend had told me about scorpions that invaded their home in Old Mexico when something strange happened. I was telling the story to illustrate our authority over the enemy. The missionary said that they tried everything to get rid of the scorpions and nothing seemed to work. Finally, they just prayed them out. As I conclude the story, I look at the floor and there was a scorpion at my feet. I simply lifted my shoe and stepped on it. I don’t think that I had seen a scorpion in the building prior to this. God gives us some neat illustrations. Some years later, I was again telling the story to discover another scorpion at my feet.

    A final suggestion from the life of saint Anthony the Abbot (from wikipedia):
    According to Athanasius, the devil again resumed his war against Saint Anthony, only this time the phantoms were in the form of wild beasts, wolves, lions, snakes and scorpions. They appeared as if they were about to attack him or cut him into pieces. But the saint would laugh at them scornfully and say, “If any of you have any authority over me, only one would have been sufficient to fight me.” At his saying this, they disappeared as though in smoke, and God gave him the victory over the devil.

    • Beverly in The Woodlands says:

      Can I just say…WOW!

    • Marcy K. says:

      Oh Jen, I would love to see what your reaction to TB’s suggestion is. If you do go this route, and it would be a new high (or maybe that would be a low?) for your blog, then please – oh please – videotape it.

      And don’t forget my husband’s remedy for the scorpion – shellac! Just think what a cool conversation starter for the coffee table THAT would be, with the frozen in time scorpion. What a cool toddler toy too – as long as they don’t try to eat it, I suppose.

      I have a great admiration for Texas and figure if things get really bad “there’s always Texas.” But really…I think I’ll pass on your area if you know what I mean.

  15. Mamabearjd says:

    We lived in Fort Worth for 10 years and never saw one, moved 15 miles west and now we have them. Thankfully, not an infestation, but they show up randomly, unexpectedly. I’m not scared of snakes or bugs, but I hate. Hate. Hate the scorpion. I wish I could buy you a scorpion free zone.
    Mamabearjd recently posted..My Little One Lost

  16. Amanda says:

    We are in San Antonio, and back up to a “green belt” – mini forest behind our fence. We started seeing them every couple days about 2 months ago and then a few weeks later I was picking up stuff so I could vacuum and I kneeled on one! stung me right on my shin. Not fun. Luckily they’ve been staying away lately so I’m hoping to avoid the bed attack. (Shudder…)

    • Catherine says:

      Moving to Austin in T minus 17 days. . . please send me a map with your general area Xed out in red so I know where NOT to live. Thank you. :D

      • Catherine says:

        Sorry, I meant that as a general comment to Jennifer, not as a response to you, Amanda. Although, I will now steer clear of San Antonio. :)

    • Janet says:

      My husband is thinking about taking a job in San Antonio. (We’re from Wisconsin.) Yet another reason I am praying it doesn’t happen! This is one of those things that would make me pretty unhappy.

      • AnneG says:

        Janet, I’ll pray for you. The Church is super evangelical and there’s NO PLACE LIKE TEXAS. I can’t wait to get back.

        • Janet says:

          Thank you, Anne. I appreciate your prayers and comment a lot. I’m used to living where bugs die off in winter and there’s nothing really scary. (And I don’t particularly want to leave my friends, many of whom I won’t see again if we move.) I would certainly fit in with an evangelical group, though!

  17. Annette says:

    Ummm…I’ve lived in Dallas for 30 years and way, way back was at a friend’s house folding laundry that she dropped in my lap. When I got to the last towel, the one actually on my lap I touched a stick that was stuck to it, looked at it and realized it was a scorpion. Her 6’5″ husband refused to deal with it so my friend took a pair of scissors and just snipped it in two. Since then, well, lets just paraphrase Jen and say:

    IMPORTANT NOTE TO THE MYSTERIOUS FORCES THAT CONTROL THESE THINGS: I will not say that I have never been stung by a scorpion; I merely noted that IF I had miraculously avoided this fate so far, I would not speak of it. Annette
    Annette recently posted..7 Quick Takes, vol 7

  18. Connie says:

    I’ve been a long-time reader/lurker (LOVE your blog,) and I just had to comment on the scorpion thing. We moved out to west Texas a couple of years ago, and I met my first scorpion on the ceiling of my laundry room shortly after moving in. I did not know my body could make those sorts of screaming / screeching noises until that moment. After that, my children spotted them scurrying across our floors – in the dining room, living room, bathroom, but I rarely saw them because they blend in with our wood floors! I was petrified with fear, when I saw one, and especially when I didn’t.

    Anyway, I wanted to tell you that eventually I WAS stung by one. I was sewing one day, and simply picked a tiny scrap of fabric from the floor, and the scorpion happened to be hiding (lying in wait?) beneath it, and stung my finger. It hurt badly for a moment, then my finger just went numb. It really wasn’t that bad. I was kinda relieved that I had been stung, and now I know what to expect… and don’t have that much to fear. Fire ants are way worse.
    Connie recently posted..Thrifty Thursday: cloth napkins

    • Ottermom says:

      Yes, fire ants are bad. I’ve been stung by them but not by scorpions. I am from the San Antonio area and the scorpions were horrible there for a while. There was a lot of building going on, and they were probably on the move because of it.

  19. Barbara B. says:

    I don’t live in Scorpionland, but ya’ll are giving me a panic attack.

  20. Kristy says:

    Never, ever moving to Texas. Seriously.

  21. Tina says:

    If it weren’t for the shipping and handling, I would totally go for the the Relax Man. I mean, geez, it isn’t even Amazon Prime eligible!

  22. Cam says:

    We’ve caught (and killed) about a half dozen while staying at my parents home in California over the past six years and so far no stings for anyone here! I hope it can stay that way. We always find them on the stairs. Ugh!

  23. Linebyline says:

    Wow. I hate my carpet of millipedes somewhat less now that I remember that they have never tried to inject me with poison.

  24. Anne says:

    You need to move. Bring everyone (Yaya too) to Illinois. We might have the occasional tornado warning in the summer, but we don’t have no stinkin’ scorpions. That is cray-zee.

  25. kaitlin @ more like mary says:

    You get emails advocating that you let them live???? Some people!

  26. Jessica J says:

    Can you do me a favor and write something totally hilarious every time I’m in a bad mood and need a good laugh? The whole post was amusing, but the flow chart really did it for me. :D

    • Jessica J says:

      Not that I am laughing AT your fear and anxiety, only the way in which you describe it.

  27. Michigan_Pat says:

    Themes of:
    ======================================
    1) Death and Defeating Death
    2) Stinging serpents
    3) Wine
    4) Mysterious Forces

    Another in-depth biblical reflection by J.F. Brilliant! :)

  28. Honestly this all sounds very sane, logical and well-thought out compared to what my reaction to this situation might be. Props to you for keeping a cool head in comparison to me.
    Jenna@CallHerHappy recently posted..E-Thrift

  29. Kara says:

    I promise, if you get a cat and keep it indoors, this will solve many scorpion problems. They love to torture scorpions and then eat them. So, I say go for an indoor cat, and chickens in the yard, and you will be golden.

  30. Erin says:

    I clicked through to see what the RelaxMan was. Did you take a look at the “Customers Who Viewed This Item Also Viewed” section? It included things like whole fresh rabbit, uranium ore, whole milk, and a medical testicle self-test form. And that was just in the first page of items. I didn’t even check the rest of the list.

    I was already thinking it was awesome that I don’t have a scorpion problem, and sincerely hoping you do not get stung by one. I thought scorpion stings were deadly… you know a lot of people who did not die to scorpion sting, so perhaps if you are among that group, getting stung won’t be so bad after all. But then I read the RelaxMan page and totally cracked up. Hilarious stuff. I still kinda want one though. But whoever is selling uranium on Amazon can keep it.

    • Erin says:

      I was going to point out the rabbit!! Did you also click through the 4 pictures of the RelaxMan? They get more bizzare each click, until you end up with a monkey in a tube!

  31. Patrick says:

    Hope you used your amazon affiliate link…my RelaxMan is on its way!

  32. LOL. Thanks for the laugh. I think I will use your flow chart when I find those brown recluses and black widows…except maybe I won’t wait for a bite. I’ll smash all spiders at sight.
    Anabelle@Written By the Finger of God recently posted..Advice from the Carmelite Saints

  33. Ever thought about just starting a Catholic Scorpion blog?

  34. Lurker coming out to comment. You are hilarious. I am so sorry about the scorpions, but I LOVE your flowchart. :) Thanks for the laughs.
    sillydoodah (dawn) recently posted..Thankful Tuesday – crepe myrtle edition

  35. peg says:

    I can so relate, not to scorpions, but to a bedbug problem which is about to drive me over the edge so I can only imagine what scorpions would do to me. Sounds like getting a cat might help.

  36. Lisa says:

    I live in Maine and every year around February, I start whining to my husband that I want to move to Texas or arizona where it’s warm and sunny year round, and our children can frollick outside without donning 7 layers of extra clothes.

    I’m bookmarking this post, so I will never utter such crazy talk again.

  37. Smoochagator says:

    The best part of the RelaxMan – besides the fact that you could totally pretend to be a character in Prometheus (I would be the cold and heartless Charlize Theron character, FYI) – is the “Customers Who Viewed This Item Also Viewed” links:

    – Fresh Whole Rabbit
    – Uranium Ore
    – Willy Care Kit
    – Cat Evacuation Kit
    – Canned Unicorn Meat
    – (Looking For) The Best of David Hasselhoff
    – SpyderEVO Robotic Lawnmower
    – Ninja Folding Grappling Hook

    …and I could go on but really, everyone else should go enjoy the list of items I didn’t know existed but am now sure I NEEEEEEED.

  38. melissa says:

    When I was very little my family used to go to Texas to visit relatives. While I never saw a scorpion then, I have vivid memories of tarantulas chasing me in my great-aunt’s back yard. I NEVER went outside to play again while we were there. To this day, even a picture of a tarantula makes me shudder. Much later in life, I was stung by a scorpion while I was living in Africa. While getting dressed in the dark one morning, I was stung in the middle of my back by a scorpion that was hiding inside the facing of my dress. The best way I can describe it is that it felt like someone stabbed me with a burning hot knife. I think I will stick to the giant cockroaches here in Florida.

  39. Angie says:

    Option 5: MOVE!!!! I wholeheartedly also support option #1 but only while taking a break from packing. Oh wait. On second thought…leave everything you own behind. You can’t afford to take them with you! Grab the wine, the kids (in that order) and go, go, go!!!
    Angie recently posted..Divine Intervention Needed!

  40. Cathy says:

    I know we should be mindful of all God’s creatures. But really, kill those suckers er… biters, stingers??

  41. Stacy says:

    I can’t get myself past the ad at the bottom of the relaxman page…. the willy care kit.

    http://www.amazon.com/box-GH-OT2008-Willy-Care-Kit/dp/B000QS6W0I/ref=pd_sim_sbs_hpc_4
    Stacy recently posted..Vitamin Regimen

  42. Sophie says:

    Try lavender. In France they put sprigs of it in the windowsills and around the beds and its supposed to keep off the scorpions. Some very strong lavender essential oil in a shallow bowl on your nightstand, a few fresh sprigs around the bed and maybe wash your linens in a lavender scented linen wash?
    Good luck with this. Very funny post.

  43. Genevieve says:

    Indoor cat sounds promising, as do chickens, but I still think meerkats are you lowest maintence option. Scorpions are their favorite food. And the have to be cheaper than a relaxman

  44. AnneG says:

    Hi, Jenn, I had to respond because my son, daughter in law and grand kids are moving to Austin, soon. We plan to retire in Hill country in a few years, too. When we lived in Texas, never had scorpions. Lots of cockroaches, though. We did have scorpions, snakes iguanas and rats, not to mention cuijas when we were in Central America, so won’t bother my son. I am worried about my dil, though.
    Cat sounds like a great idea.

  45. So glad I don’t live in Texas anymore!!!!

  46. Mark says:

    In the past two days we’ve either found two scorpions or the same scorpion (because obviosuly they don’t die). We were pondering if the scorpion we raided, crushed, and flushed could possibly have climbed up the pipes into the kitchen sink, so upon searching “does raid kill scorpions” and finding your blog, I have read all your scorpion category posts. It is incredibly comforting that I feel exactly how you feel (though lack of screaming on my part). I thank you for having incredibly witty writing and amazing descriptions to brighten my spirits from this sudden horror. Also, clearly your relatives must be crazy, as there can be NOTHING worse than a scorpion in the bed…save for TWO of them in the bed.

  47. Pam H. says:

    My daughter recommends killing scorpions by scissoring them, but we don’t have scorpions in Houston, so I wouldn’t know.

    • Lindsey says:

      We’re in Houston, too. My elderly neighbor called to warn me of a “5 inch scorpion” that her husband found on the front sidewalk. I checked it out, and it was a crawfish. I have not yet seen a scorpion here in Houston (knock on wood…I tend to be superstitious about buggy things, too) in almost 30 years of living here. We did have a close encounter while visiting friends in Austin, who happened to have scorpion-colored carpet, as it were. Also, I remember seeing them at our sleepover camp somewhere in the woods in central Texas.

  48. Carol says:

    +JMJ+
    I know what you need! A really, really big Tupperware container with small holes in it for ventilation. Much cheaper than a Relaxman. Of course, you’d have to ignore its resemblance to a coffin…

    P.S. I am laughing so hard I’m crying. I want to be on your blog all day!

  49. Terese says:

    We thoroughly enjoyed your scorpion escapades, so much so that hubby read them and their corresponding comments to all of us before we ate dinner. We were all in stitches with our sides aching from laughing so hard! We can really relate to scorpion dealings: my 18-year-old daughter laying on her bed, fully dressed, talking on the phone and having to smack her leg about 3 times, only to discover the smacking not stopping whatever was causing her discomfort. She put the phone down, whipped off her pants and saw a scorpion on her leg. It must have crawled up the bedspread and into her pant leg.

    While taking a bath in the garden tub, my then 3-year-old son screamed because a scorpion had “bitten” him on the side of the foot. It must have come out of one of the jets.

    And the worst experience was after settling into bed, I happened to stretch my arm above my head and lay it on my pillow, only to soon feel a soft “plop” of something land onto my inside forearm. I knew it couldn’t be a spider — it crawls, not plops. Not a tick, it crawls. I instinctively knew it must be a scorpion so I loosely grabbed it and threw it beyond the bottom of the bed, desparately wanting to clear our young son’s bed situated at the foot of our bed. As I was hurrying to get out of bed to check my aim, my husband asked what was wrong. I told him of my deed and before I arrived at the little bed, my hubby was performing a fast waving ritual with his right hand at his neck, then he quickly threw his arm towards the bathroom door. Needless to say, the little bugger never made it to the foot of our bed, but hit the bathroom door. It must have slid out of my hand and onto my husband’s neck. OOPS! Thankfully, my hubby recovered quickly and the sting didn’t last long with the aid of activated charcoal made into some paste.

    Every now and then I sprinkle lavender essential oil around our beds to ward off unmentionable uglies. I’d really like to say it seems to work, but then “they” may read this and you know what then!!

    Thanks for all your wonderful insight and witty words!!

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  51. Lynne says:

    This whole thing was so funny and I especially loved the charts. But I’m sorry to say that when I went to check out the Relaxman, things went from quiet smiles (it is 6:00 in the morning–shhh!) while envisioning you in the corner with the wine to restrained wheezes and gurgles escaping despite my best efforts. Oh my–how did you ever find this product? And what people write these comments on Amazon? And have you noticed the array of products in the “Customers who viewed this item also viewed” category? You have opened up a new and bizarre world for me. It was a fun way to spend a sleepless morning!

  52. Lynne says:

    Oh my–now your BlogHer ads have aligned themselves with this kooky Relaxman theme. I just viewed a slightly disturbing ad for Boudreaux’s Butt Paste. Turns out, there’s a video. I am still reeling. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V-Tw6Iw3qKA