A few thoughts on my birthday
Today is my birthday. I turn 36.
Not only have I now passed the halfway point of my thirties, but it’s a brand new year, I just had a brush with a medical condition that is often fatal, and my whole life has been turned upside down by my recovery. So, as you can see, I have no choice but to write a long and reflective blog post that opines about the meaning of life today.
It’s a lot of pressure, really. I was lying in bed yesterday, mentally writing my post about all the Important Things I’ve taken away from this situation, and was mildly disgusted with myself that the first thing that came to mind was a list of tips about how to sneak contraband into the hospital that you’re technically not supposed to have. (And the next thing I thought of was a recipe for this amazing-sounding martini I discovered while surfing the web in the ER that I cannot wait to try as soon as the baby’s born.)
But I do think that I have learned a lot from this situation, even if the real insights were buried under ah-hah moments about sneaking Bendaryl into the hospital so that you can actually sleep.
Interestingly, facing my mortality was not what jarred me out of my usual routine — we Catholics are always thinking and talking about death, and since my conversion I’ve lived with a fairly constant awareness that, truly, not one of us knows the hour or the day that our time on earth will end. Having the ER tech whisper to me that the last guy who came in with a pulmonary embolism was dead 15 minutes later wasn’t what shocked me into a new way of seeing life. Instead, what has been the real bucket of icewater over the head for me has been the shattering of all my plans. I’ve only now realized that I tend to live in this weird mental space where I am pretty aware that death could come at any time…yet not all that aware that something mildly less catastrophic could happen. If I found out that I was going to die tomorrow it would shock me less than, say, if I found out I was going to lose the use of my right arm. I guess you could sum up my outlook as, Today could be the day the Lord calls me home…but if he doesn’t, good thing I have all these carefully laid out plans and that nothing could possibly go wrong with them!
But now all my plans are toast, and as I face a third trimester of pregnancy with a compromised ability to breathe, wonders about whether there will be lasting lung damage, and tricky long-term health management questions, I have been smacked upside the head with the reality that all my delusions of control through planning were just that — delusions.
I’ve been sitting here thinking of all the things I thought I would be doing in 2013 that I will not actually be doing. The crazy-intense curricula that would forever ensconce me as Queen of All the Homeschoolers, the cool speaking gigs in interesting places, the challenging but exciting writing opportunities, and those elaborate home organization projects that would surely make our entire house look like something off of Pinterest, have all either had to be hugely modified or scrapped altogether. Heck, I’ll be excited if I can walk up the stairs without flopping on the bed to gasp for breath at any point before summer. And here’s the most surprising part of all of that:
I don’t really care that much.
Starting with the moment my OB came to my hospital room to explain my diagnosis, I kept waiting to feel a great wave of mourning for all my plans. I waited and waited. But it never came. And when I look back on what God was teaching me in 2012, I see why.
In 2012 there was a very clear, specific message that was presented to me over and over again, reinforced to me countless times in countless ways. It seemed kind of random, and I wasn’t sure exactly how it would apply to daily life, but it was undeniable that it was something God wanted me to understand. The message was this:
It’s all about the human person.
Though I had felt the silent whispers of this concept in various forms as the months went on, it was Cardinal DiNardo whom I first heard articulate it, in a speech he gave at a benefit dinner in which he recounted something that John Paul II told him on his first ad limina visit to Rome. The great pontiff could have talked then-Bishop DiNardo’s ear off with hours and hours of advice about what it takes to be a good shepherd, but instead he left him with that one truth to ponder. On the bishop’s last day in Rome, John Paul II leaned in close to him and said, “Remember, Your Excellency, it’s all about the human person.” No matter how important or sweeping our plans may be, no matter how big or small the scope of our authority, everything we do must be ordered toward connection with individual human beings.
The message simmered within me all throughout the year, but it’s only now that it’s all gelled.
I’ve come to see the radically freeing truth that our plans only matter to the extent that they’re ordered toward deeper intimacy with individual people. What makes this truth so freeing is that, if your ultimate goal is to make the world a little brighter of a place by touching one person at a time, you can do that under any circumstances. You can live a life ordered toward human intimacy as a jet-setting movie star or as an invalid confined to a hospital bed; whether you find yourself surrounded by Hollywood directors or the nurses on night shift, you will always find yourself surrounded by people in need of love.
And so, to the extent that my plans for 2013 were rightly ordered in the first place, they actually haven’t changed all that much. I may have thought that on that one weekend in March I would be connecting with the people seated at my table after I gave my speech; instead, it looks like I’ll be connecting with my family, my neighbors, the people in my parish, or whoever else I can encounter without getting on a plane. The details may be different, but the goal is the same.
This is especially freeing in light of my birthday.
I’m not immune to the occasional pang of “I’m getting old!” thoughts that probably plague most citizens of our youth-obsessed society. MTV culture tries to paint aging — or illness, or disability, or any condition other than being young and healthy — as a great limiting of options. Alas, you can no longer [insert description of supposedly glamorous activity]. That’s for people who are [younger / healthier / prettier / wealthier] than you are. But the truth, which I understand with such great clarity after all I’ve been through in the past week, is that if your plans were not love-driven in the first place, then they were the kind of stupid, time-wasting plans that people shake their fists and rue through tears on their deathbeds; and if they were love-driven, then there are no worldly circumstances that could prevent you from executing them, even if the details change a bit.
And so I find it profoundly liberating here on my birthday, as I enter into the daunting territory of a year full of questions and unknowns, to know that as long as my life is ordered toward love, it is a life with limitless possibilities.
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Happy Birthday, Jennifer. Wishing you continued peace, serenity, and calm throughout the next year. Thanks for sharing these insights. I have often heard that a “stop doing” list is more important than a “start doing” list. May your year of “less” be the richest one yet.
Happy Birthday!! Absolutely beautiful and inspiring post, Jen! Thank you for taking the time and energy to share your thoughts… You and your family remain in my prayers! Oh, and I’ll be turning 35 on Wednesday!
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Beautiful! Happy birthday! We are all so blessed by your life
Happy Birthday, Jennifer. I can’t help wondering how different your response is to this illness than to what it might have been pre-conversion. This post says more to me about who you are than anything else you’ve written. You have been richly blessed.
Happy birthday and well said. I’ve caught this awful flu in my last week of pregnancy and I thought I’d be mourning the loss of plans more. To be honest it’s been kind of a relief and you articulated why. Thank you and continued prayers for your healing!
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Happy birthday, Jennifer! Prayers are coming your way. Thank you for sharing your thoughts in this post full of truth, beauty and goodness. You are a blessing! May you be richly blessed. Entrusting you to our Lady, and asking her to be with you in a special way in the coming months–a little second Visitation. Love and prayers, Mary
Happy mid-30s birthday Jennifer. Isn’t it frustrating that it usually takes a crisis for such insights to settle within with certainty? So glad you have this space to visit and share your story with those of us still ordering our own plans without deeper thought! We are all praying for you and your family to continue to see the grace behind the gravity of your illness.
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But back to the martini…you left us hanging without giving us the recipe…
I kid
Beautiful words. I need to be so very much better at placing people above plans. Thank you for the reminder. I remember hearing once that JPII stated that the root cause of the culture of death was not any of the things we would immediately think. It is efficiency. Bam. Right between the eyes.
Continued prayers coming. And maybe a martini.
Happy birthday , Jennifer. You are truly a blessed woman. I went through a life threatening crisis back in August right after the birth of my fourth child. I still haven’t found the courage the write about it, but hearing you so openly talk about your condition is nudging me towards finally writing about it. Thank you.
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Happy Birthday!!!Beautiful words and just what I needed to read this morning!!
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I believe it was you who said something that has stuck with me as a writer… that often the things you write under the worst of circumstances turn out the best. This post is a gleaming example of that grace in action.
Many blessings to you on your birthday.
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Happy Birthday Jennifer, I love reading your blog, continued prayers for you and your family, love from Paula in Limerick, Ireland
Happy Birthday!
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Happy birthday, Jen! You’re my husband’s birthday twin, only he’s celebrating having passed the half-century mark instead of the half-thirties.
Wishing you joy, grace, wisdom, and, of course, healing in your new year.
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Happy Birthday, Jen!
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Happy Birthday. This radiates in me today after a beautiful book club meeting of Christian women last night. God Bless you today and always
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I’m really glad that you’re here to celebrate your birthday Jen.
I’m a little annoyed that you’re two years younger than me though. I thought you were older. Only because you’re so mature! (I’m not.)
I know the sentiments that you talk about; it’s usually only when we face death that we really get an idea of how short life is. I will share with you very quickly, my own experience. (Your own experience is really bringing back memories lately!)
Nine days after having my 4th baby, I had a coronary dissection, which led to a massive heart attack. A coronary dissection is where a rip develops in the artery wall, and blood starts to pool under this rip. This rip then traveled along my LAD; it took seven stents to fix it. The heart attack was instantaneous and I had only 6 minutes to try to convince my husband and 911 dispatcher that I was having a heart attack and not a panic attack; when I saw the cop car round the corner, everything went black and had no heart beat for 40 minutes.
When I woke up a week and a half later in the hospital, everyone told me that I had a heart attack, which I did not believe them (the lack of oxegyn gave me short term memory loss for a while) and I would cry because I thought “these crazies are making me stay away from my kids!” I stayed in the hospital for 2 weeks trying to get back on my feet and when I was finally well enough to go home, I had to go back in the hospital multiple times because my heart was unable to handle the stress and fun of having 3 young children and a newborn.
I would often wonder why God sent me back; why so many people usually die instantly from this but He allowed me to live–what amazing purpose He had. Three years later, and still unsaintly, I finally understand: I’m here to finish what God started, but this time to finish it right. I’m here to love God and serve my neighbor, but this time not half-heartedly, but with all my heart, to do it not with reluctance but to learn to do this with great love and fervor. To finish my “job” as wife and mother and to do the very best I can.
And now, since my kids are starving for breakfast as I ignore them because I’m typing all this, I better do just that.
Take it easy, I sympathize the overstimulation issues you are having right now. You joke about them but it’s a heavy cross to carry.
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This is such a beautiful and inspiring post. You’re in my prayers.
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Happy Birthday fellow Capricorn!
Jen,
Happy Birthday! I’ve been a reader for a really long time. This is your best post ever. Praying for you daily.
Happy birthday, Jen.
This is so beautiful. I just went through my own medical ordeal in which all my plans went topsy-turvy and I was forced to realize yet again that God’s plans are better than the ones I make. But while I was able to acknowledge that I needed to learn to let go of my need to be in control, I didn’t dig nearly as deep as you have. Your realization that its all about the human person makes me realize how much I’m still focusing on me and my experiences instead of how I can love others. You are an inspiration to me.
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This is a beautiful post, Jennifer. Although I admit the EMT’s whispered comment makes my jaw drop. What the…. was he thinking????
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Thank you for your post. It’s so simply and beautifully put. By the way, since I discovered your blog a few days ago, I can’t stop reading!
I do one Hail Mary for you each day so that our Lady can carry you and take care of you like an infant in your difficult moments. Happy Birthday!!!!
Happy birthday Jen! Thank you for sharing this post with us- this was very inspiring.
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This is so beautiful. And something I really need to take to heart. Thanks for writing this, even with all you have going on. Know that prayers for you are ongoing!
This is one of your most awesome posts Jen! I’ve been reading your blog for a few years now and put this entry at the top. I find it amazing that you are writing something so profound while running at less than half your normal speed. I will continue praying for your health and that of your baby. Happy Birthday from a much older reader!
Happy Birthday, Jennifer! And amen, amen, amen to what you wrote! What a lovely gift you have given to us readers on your birthday. Thank you!
So well expressed, Jennifer! Even we religious, who are supposedly all about responding to God’s love for us by helping/serving one another, tend too often to take the other for granted. We criticize and complain about one another instead of enjoying, uplifting, and unconditionally loving one another – often because we’re too focused on our own PLANS!
Happy Birthday and Happy Minute-by-Minute Loving, Jen!
SMR
Happy Birthday!! Thank you for taking the time to write this post. I can only imagine the amount of time and energy it took, given your condition.
I just can’t stand when my well-laid plans are ruined. I can’t even stand it when I don’t get everything done on my To Do list. I am always working on this and trying to give it to the Lord. So this post definitely resonated with me. Thanks especially for one of the final sentences “… if your plans were not love-driven in the first place, then they were the kind of stupid, time-wasting plans that people shake their fists and rue through tears on their deathbeds; and if they were love-driven, then there are no worldly circumstances that could prevent you from executing them, even if the details change a bit.”
Praying for your recovery.
Happy Birthday Jennifer. Your posts and insight have always inspired me, and this one is right up there. Take care of yourself.
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Thank you for this. You are an inspiration.
I thank God for you.
Happy Birthday!
Much love,
Jewels
Happy Birthday, Jen!
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Happy Birthday Jen! I just turned 35 and my mom declared me “middle aged” so I guess you’re on the other side of that now
Your conclusion that yes, it’s all about the human person is dead on. I’ve been reading your blog off and on since 2007 I believe. Yours was called “Et Tu” at the time, and mine the rather lengthy “musings of an ex punk catholic homeschooling mom.” I am struck by the way that as human beings we find ways to connect in even the most unlikely ways, such as reading blogs–people who would be strangers become people we genuinely care about. My children and I have been praying for you daily. We will continue to pray for your recovery. Love, Ginny
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Yes. <3 Thank you Jen, and happy birthday!
Happy Birthday, Jen! That was such a beautiful reflection and something that I definitely needed to hear right now. Thank you so much and God bless you today and always.
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Happy Birthday!! This is such a beautiful post–a wonderful gift to us all! You will continue in our family prayers.
Happy Birthday, Jennifer! Praying for a full and fast recovery, so you can continue sharing such insights. Beautiful post.
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Happy birthday! I love this reflection. I haven’t had anything quite so drastic happen, but I have been having some mild health issues that really impact my planned activities. And it is odd, but it doesn’t matter. God can work through and in us if we’re sick or if we’re healthy. Doesn’t much matter which it is.
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Happy birthday, Jen! I turn 36 later this week. It is humbling to see carefully-laid plans fall apart, though I admit that I’m not a planner. My plans are not specific, and tend to be amorphous and long-term–something like, “get education” > “get job that I was educated for” > “improve life for family.” But even that can derail, go on different paths, or inch along quite differently. I have a smaller sphere of what constitutes my care about the human person these days, and yet that’s still a good way to articulate it. I hope that you continue to find peace in your meditations!!
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Happy Birthday…and BRAVO!!!!!
Happy and Blessed Birthday, Jennifer (wanted to call you Jen, but don’t know what you prefer:):)!! Your heartfelt post helped me to reflect in a similar way. Thanks and you are in my thoughts prayers, that’s for sure.
Jennifer,
I am glad you are recovering. God bless you and your baby. My father-in-law said something that always stuck with me:
“Life happens after and despite your plans”
Happy New Year!
Best wishes for a joy-filled birthday under less-than-ideal circumstances. Thank you for this gift to your readers. It is an insight worth holding on to and pondering. We must seize the intimacy of the day.
Happy Birthday, Jennifer. I was such a blessing yesterday be able to meet you and your girls. I love you posts and you are an inspration to all of us.
Happy Birthday, Jennifer. Great column. I too keep getting hit upside the head with that message of JPII’s too!
Beautiful post! Happy birthday!
“It’s all about the human person.”
You know what is so beautiful–You are the human person. You are learning how to feel loved for yourself alone–not for your home schooling ideas, or pinterest inspired home, or brilliant speaking gigs.
And you are loving that little son inside of you–that no one has met yet.
It’s so easy for the world to think “why go for number six”, especially with the risk for permanent lung injury is on the line. God’s ways are not our ways.
Rebecca from “Shoved to Them” wrote about her daughter having a crippling injury and a great healer saying “I could remove this pain but that would be stopping the good that God is doing with it.” And a little girl said “don’t do that.”
You are horribly injured. Your plans are in disarray. Your kids and your husband are suffering from your disability–but your soul is being healed. You can see a difference.
This is a hard place–enforced stillness–but it is a holy place, a grace-filled place. Keep going on in Faith. “One tired footstep in front of the other.” Even better things are around the corner for you!
Oh have to tease you. When I goggled your condition that first night–info on Heavy D came up. I just laughed. “Figured JEN would have the same obscure condition as the rapper Heavy D,” I thought. Saving the entire rap industry one prayerful breathe at a time, Miss Jen.
Today is my birthday as well!
Happy Birthday birthday twin!
Hope you have a wonderful day!
Happy Birthday Jennifer! Reading your insightful blog today especially the JPII comment ” it’s all abou the human person” gave me the ah-hah moment. It started me to think about reviewing my family relationships with my adult children and their families, my co-workers and especially those I take care and how I come across with those I meet. Thank you I needed that. God Bless you and continue to keep you, Joe, the kids and both of your parents in His hands.Your blog is like no other. Thank you.
Happy Birthday!and many more.
Happy Birthday, Jen! Beautiful reflection. Continued prayers for you and for your baby boy…
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What a beautiful gift you have give us, your readers, on your birthday! Thank you so much for sharing it!
Blessings and Peace +JMJ+
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It *is* all about the human person and being ordered toward love. And perfect love casteth out fear. You write beautifully about that. I wouldn’t be too disgusted, though, with the fact that the “first thoughts” that came to your mind were contraband and martinis. Ten years or so ago my father was in the hospital for heart surgery, and just before he was about to be taken in, he spent about five or ten minutes explaining to my mother all the TV shows he wanted her to tape for him and what tapes to put them on and where to find them. She looked at me and my sister and said, “He’s going to be fine.” If he was thinking about such trivia, he’d be fine.
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Happy birthday! Thanks for sharing the beautiful sentiments. Definitely helps to put my own goals/progress into a new perspective.
Happy Birthday!
I literally just read this after I forced myself to throw out my old journals, telling myself that I should not hang on to all those unfulfilled (human) plans I’ve made over the years. Your post was like an answer from God (not that I’m trying to tempt you into sins of pride!).
My Capricorn day is next week, but my celebration date will be about double yours. Each day exists for a reason; search for it.
Within the past 72 hours the phrase “memento mori” was brought my way from people who don’t even know me. Since then much has happened which I ponder. And then I stumbled across your site from the few I follow.
To all things there is a season and a reason. I’ll pray for you and yours at the adoration chapel tonight.
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Happy Birthday Jennifer! I think your gift has been great wisdom! Some people live to great old age and never get that. So good for you! Prayers and healing thoughts coming your way.
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Happiest of Birthdays, Jen! You’ve struck me again with this one. It something so very simple, but it is easy to forget. For me, this lesson applies to writing and discussing apologetics. Sometimes it is easy to get fired up and forget that there is a human on the other end of the argument/discussion that is in need of love and answers. I need patience in order to fulfill that. I think I’ll pray for more!
My gift to you on your birthday is more prayers for you and yours, of course, but I will also try to find a way to put this idea into action this week. Thank you!
I’m so glad you’re here for another birthday! This was my favorite line, because it’s so me and my T:
“Today could be the day the Lord calls me home…but if he doesn’t, good thing I have all these carefully laid out plans and that nothing could possibly go wrong with them!”
Beautiful reflections…
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Please don’t give into any of the “I’m so old now” thoughts, EVER. I never stop shaking my head at my 20 something kids who are trying hard to learn what it is to be happy. They are still stuck on the martini part of the equation. (Goodness knows a good mixed drink–or two, can make things temporarily awesome…) By the way, I’m nine years, eleven months and about twenty days older than you. I feel so much freer today than a decade ago. I wouldn’t trade for my thirty six year old self or life. I can relate to much of what you said. I was actually relieved when my husband lost his job. We had finally landed in a gorgeous house, and it appeared from the outside that we had it all, or were well on our way. I slammed the door on that house, our stupid plans, and all our worldly possessions, and have never looked back.
!
“It’s all about the human person.”
yes.
“Be present to the person in front of you.”–I love this quote from our new pastor, who says he learned in from the holiest man he knew.
Happy Birthday
Get well.
Happy Birthday Jen!
I’m sure it feels a little surreal after the last couple weeks, but you’re thoughts are beautiful. I totally get the mourning over lost plans thing. I think I’ve felt that way somewhat over every pregnancy for some strange reason, even though God’s plans always turn out much better than mine I stupidly don’t learn somehow. But I think its really at the crux of a lot of our spiritual issues and a huge step in growth, I’m really happy you’ve gotten there, hopefully one day I will too!
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Oh, and if you want, (looks like you’ve got a little time on your hands)…google the house I slammed the door on: 50 Washington Park ave. Mill Valley. It was the final proof for me that money can’t buy a shred of happiness. It was a cool house but I don’t miss it a bit. I was about to say “I’d rather die” but thought better of it. Oh, and that ER tech. who told you that needs a little slap upside down the head.
Happy birthday! I will think of you along with a few other friends who celebrate their birthdays today as well.
Our family continues to keep you, your baby, and the rest of your family in our nightly prayers. My husband and I also went to Adoration last Thursday night and offered you up in our prayers before the Lord.
Thank you for sharing a beautiful post.
Happy birthday! It’s mine too (30). I just came back from confession, and this was a nice thing to read as a follow-up. The biggest thing that came up was trust. I will say a prayer for you.
Definitely one of your best. Nailed it – and your insight comes in the midst of a huge trial. Somehow, though, the Holy Spirit does that for me too sometimes – the hardest things actually are easier because what’s really important “floats to the top” so to speak.
Still praying for you – rest up Jen!
Happy Birthday.
I have read your blog for years … discovered you when you had only 3 kids.
I will keep praying for your healing and for strength for your family through this.
How true, the illusion of control that many of us hold dear.
Fantastic post. Be well and blessed.
From a follower across the Atlantic. Happy Birthday! Absolutely beautiful and inspiring post. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts… God bless.
Happy Birthday! A wonderful reflection, especially for someone who is also 36…
We are keeping you and our family in our prayers. May your recovery be easier and sooner than expected.
Wow what an inspiration you are! Happy Birthday and I keep you in my prayers especially at Adoration several times a week.May God bless you and all your family. Barb
A heartfelt happy birthday wish to you!! Such an inspiring piece today. Thank you for sharing it. Praying for you.
Be assured of my continual prayers for you and your family.
Nice! A Happy, love-filled Birthday to you!
Happy birthday, Jennifer! You’ll be in my prayers. I’ve never left a comment, but I want you to know that I really enjoy your blog. I’m turning 30 later this year. I hope by the time I’m 36 I’ll have your level of faith and devotion to The Lord. This year I’ll settle for figuring out this “mom” business, lol. Our first baby is five months old and is teething-eek!
Thank you for the beautiful insight, Jen! Thank you for your witness. I was really encouraged and enlightened by your post today. And happy birthday!
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Happy Birthday, Jennifer! Thanks for sharing this reflection.
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Happy birthday, Jennifer! Thanks for writing just what I needed to read.
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