A meditation on the shocking idea that maybe we’re actually not just lazy whiners
When Joe first saw me in the hospital, he said I reminded him of this scene from Office Space:
I had tubes in my nose, a 16-gauge IV in my hand that was causing me constant pain, had just received a daunting diagnosis that left me with a ton of questions about both my immediate and long-term circumstances, and yet I seemed…happy.
Undoubtedly, a large part of that can be attributed to being lifted up by so many wonderful prayers. But there was something else, too, that was responsible for my surprisingly peaceful state of mind:
Relief.
December was a hard month. I couldn’t seem to stay on top of anything, and my inability to deal with life seemed to get worse by the week. Three days before Christmas I cleared off an entire evening to wrap presents, and quickly became so angry and overwhelmed that I went to bed in disgust instead. I felt like I barely survived the chaos of Christmas day, and in the week before New Year’s Eve I hardly lifted a finger around the house. I was unmotivated to do anything. I began backing out of social events, and felt exhausted by even the simplest tasks around the house.
I was aware of my abysmal state, and knew what the problem was: I’m lazy. And kind of a whiner. Not to mention not being fully dedicated to my vocation, and unwilling to carry my (small) crosses. Christ asks a few simple things of me, and even gives me this lavish, first-world life surrounded by luxuries, and I let a little pregnancy fatigue keep me from getting the job done! If only I were more open to God’s grace, I’d be able to unload the dishwasher without feeling like it was such a big deal.
I’m ungrateful.
I’m spoiled.
I’m lazy.
These are the thoughts that were going through my head for the better part of a month. And so when the doctor at the Emergency Room sat me down and told me that my lungs were full of blood clots, some of them large, and that he was astounded that I’d been able to function at all, I almost cried with relief. To be completely honest, I was more relieved than I was scared. I know the facts about pulmonary embolisms and know how dangerous they are. Later, I did experience worry and fear. But first, relief.
There is truth to the accusations that I’m ungrateful, spoiled, and lazy. No false humility here — I really do posses all those attributes to some degree or another. But it was simply not true to say that those faults alone were the cause of my suffering. I was struggling against a terribly difficult physical condition, and my body was running in the red zone for all of my waking hours. In those weeks when I was unaware of the reality of my situation, I worked under the incorrect assumption that my circumstances were normal, and that therefore the problems must come down to spiritual and mental character defects on my part. Not surprisingly, this caused me to be in a state of constant inner turmoil. In fact, it was reminiscent of the hidden angst that simmered silently within me when I was an atheist: whenever you live under false assumptions about reality, you will live in anguish. It may be buried and only pop up occasionally, or it may burst to the surface in explosions of acute despair, but whenever you try to jam a square peg of your perception of reality into the round hole of actual reality, there will always be friction.
And you know why I bring this up? Because I think I’m not the only one who could benefit from an outlook-shattering diagnosis.
Once I felt like I had permission to admit that one area of my life was legitimately hard, I began to look at other areas as well. And in the process I’ve been reminded of something I’d known for a while, but had slowly forgotten: that 21st-century motherhood is really hard, whether or not you have clots in your lungs.
Yes, motherhood has always been hard, and our ancestors faced more grueling physical challenges in a month than many of us do in our entire lives. I wouldn’t trade my life for that of my great-great grandmother. However, I think that being a mother today comes with exponentially more psychological challenges than moms have ever faced before. A few examples that come to mind:
We live in isolation. From time immemorial mothers have raised their children in close-knit communities, surrounded by their own mothers and aunts and cousins and nieces and lifelong friends. In traditional human villages, women would gather to wash and cook together, their kids running around freely with friends and relatives. Even the more-isolated farm wives and suburban moms of our grandparents’ generation had refuge to the classic sanity-saving phrase, “Go outside!” (My grandfather reports that he and his siblings often only saw their mother at mealtimes and after sunset, since they spent so much time hunting and exploring each day). Mothers were never meant to be the sole people in charge of their children’s wellbeing all day, every day. It is utterly unnatural to go for 12 hours without having a face-to-face conversation with another adult.
And here’s a big one that’s rarely acknowledged: it feels like what we do isn’t important. It is important, of course…but the reality is that, thanks to all those wonderful modern conveniences, what most of us do on a daily or even weekly basis doesn’t necessarily contribute directly to anyone’s survival. Pouring effort into my vocation can bless my family tremendously, and makes all the difference between thriving and just getting by. But the reality is that if I were to totally slack off and not do much of anything for a few days, everything would be fine. Nobody would starve. We’d still have shelter and food and clothes and clean water.
Not so for the women of history. I doubt that my great-great-great grandmother and her friends had to remind themselves that motherhood is the most important job in the world: if they didn’t cook, their children would literally have nothing to eat. If they didn’t fetch the water from the well, there would be nothing to drink. If they didn’t launder and mend the clothes, there would be nothing to wear. The daily work that the housewife of 1813 did was of life-and-death importance; the daily work that the housewife of 2013 does doesn’t have anywhere near that level of urgency. And that’s a good thing — I don’t think any of us would want to go back to a time when basic survival was so difficult — but it’s also worth admitting that it’s a little demoralizing to know that most of your day to day work falls under the category of “nice to have” rather than “have to have.”
I could go on: the fact that our isolation means that no one outside of our immediate family ever sees the fruits of our labor; that our kids are constantly lured to become peer-oriented; that the norms of our culture push us to pile way more onto our plates than we can realistically handle…but you get the idea.
What we modern moms do is hard, and not just hard in the way that motherhood has always been hard. We’re laboring under unique conditions that few people in human history have ever experienced, trying to thrive in utterly unnatural circumstances. It may not be hard physically, but it’s a great challenge psychologically.
My point here isn’t to wallow in self-pity, or encourage anyone else to do so. In fact, as odd as it may sound, my hope is to inspire fellow moms to deeper peace and gratitude.
We’re hesitant to admit that our lives are difficult in any way. We feel the pain, but then we look around at our washers and dryers and smartphones and televisions and all the other trappings of our first-world lives, and we feel embarrassed to complain about anything. It feels easier, and certainly more noble, to blame ourselves, to assume that the problem must simply be moral failings and character defects on our parts.
But what I found with my undiagnosed medical issues is that when we refuse to accept real suffering as legitimate, it actually makes it harder to be grateful. We spend so much mental energy fighting the wrong battles and beating ourselves up over phantom failings that we don’t have much energy left to take stock of all the wonderful things in our lives. Living in a false reality is exhausting and demoralizing. It’s much easier to be happy, peaceful, and close to God when we acknowledge the truth, even if that involves acknowledging that some things are hard.
I’ll never forget the powerful, soul-cleansing relief that poured over me when I learned that there really had been something wrong with me for all those weeks. Even though I had not begun to receive treatment and felt no better than before, I was suddenly inspired to do my best despite my circumstances. Almost immediately, I began to approach my situation with joy. Once I stopped lamenting sins I wasn’t really committing, I could take a clear look at the sins I was committing, and made a better confession than I had in months. Even sitting there in a hospital room, I felt closer to God and happier with my life than I had in a long, long time.
I feel like I’ve been given a divine permission slip to stop defaulting to self-blame for all of my little daily difficulties (not just as it related to my lungs, but in every area of life) and I want to share it with you. If you’re a mom and you’re struggling, let me just tell you that the problem is not you. Well, I suppose I can’t know that for sure; if you find that you’re regularly too drunk to put the Cheez Whiz on your kids’ cookies for dinner, then maybe the problem is you. But, short of that, my guess is that your suffering is due to your difficult circumstances far more than it is due to laziness or lack of holiness or ungratefulness on your part. What you’re doing is hard, harder in certain ways than what your grandmothers experienced, and don’t let the voices in your head tell you otherwise.
Just like the medical professionals in the ER did for me, Dr. Jen is here to give you a diagnosis: you have condition called “life as a 21st century mom,” and it’s known to cause fatigue, drowsiness, nausea, vomiting, confusion and conditions mimicking insanity. Your suffering is legitimate, and it’s not your fault.
I wish for you that same moment I had, when I was hooked up to wires and IVs, dried blood splattered down my arm, tubes all up in my nose, and yet was so profoundly relieved to know the reality of my situation that I gave my husband a big grin and a thumbs-up sign as if to say, “Life is awesome.”
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Well. I was going to write along the same lines of this (only without the life-threatening medical stuff). But you’ve said it far better than I could, so I’ll just say, “Amen!”
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You’re just one tough cookie Jennifer! I’m joyful that you are healing and we continue to pray for you and your family.
Jen…thank you. I’m sure you’ll understand how much I mean that.
I just started reading your blog and really appreciate this nuanced view of the difficulties of motherhood. Sometimes I feel like it’s difficult for me to articulate why motherhood is hard for me, because it isn’t as stressful as my husband’s job, but this post was really helpful to read.
Thank you. Thank you for writing this post. I have the same negative thoughts, day in, day out. Even when I had the flu recently (and am in my first trimester with baby #3) I was still beating myself up about letting the house go, ordering out too many times over the last few weeks, not being present and upbeat enough for my kids, and on and on. Mothers need to hear this! Especially mothers with young children but probably the more experienced ones too. Thank you again.
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well, tonight for dinner I offered my kids the choice between rice cakes and applesauce — or both! So, maybe I’m just one step up from the too drunk to squirt cheez-whiz on the cookie model.
(full explanation for child protection services, I cooked them a nice hot dinner — but they wouldn’t eat it. They were overjoyed to get the “well, you can eat this or have a rice cake and applesauce, but this is what I made,” lecture). Over. Joyed. They gobbled down their rice cake with delight. Maybe I SHOULD try cheez-whiz on a cookie to expand their food choices.
lol! With that sense of humor, you can only be an awesome mom.
I here you. Tonight I made a nice hot meal. My oldest refused it. Later he wanted pretzels. That’s pretty much all he ate all day. It’s downright frustrating. I find it funny that I can’t get him to stop eating paper but he won’t eat something like a hotdog. He’s almost three.
Ha! You guys are all making me laugh, although I’m sure it doesn’t feel humorous AT.ALL.
Kathleen Basi recently posted..Fiction (Wednesday): For Love Of A Child
Maybe he just needs more fiber? Try oatmeal for dinner. Or, winter squash? Hah!
The paper might be healthier than the hotdog?
You are TOO funny Elizabethe! Thank you for making ME laugh out loud on this very rainy and lonely-for-Mommy kind of day!
Thank you. Yes, motherhood is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. And it’s not the physical stuff, it’s the mental anguish I put myself through every single day with my “ideal” version of what motherhood should be. It’s exhausting to be everything to your family and feel like a failure because you can’t maintain a perfect home complete with non toxic cleaners, perfect nutritious organic meals and snacks, creative crafts that stimulate the spirit and mind, being ever vigilant about what is seen or read in media and books, monitor homework,and manage extra curricular activities, etc. All while maintaining chore charts, making sure chore charts are followed, teaching about cooking, grocery shopping, finances. And feeling completely ALONE! And I haven’t even touched on the spiritual things I’m supposed to be passing down.
Thank you for giving me permission to feel overwhelmed. You’re one amazing person. Here you are with everything going on and you’re still writing blogs posts so a complete stranger can find some healing and sanity in her own life.
Prayers to you and your family!
Maggie, you really hit the nail on the head. I feel exactly as you described in your post.
Hmm. Need to re-read and process your post again. “…fatigue, drowsiness…” I still think I’m lazy because more than half the time I’d rather be doing something else, like living my life (some of it) pre-children, which then starts the ungrateful voices and thus I need to hear “don’t let the voices in your head tell you otherwise.” Oy vey. Lots to chew on with your post. Thanks!
You know, it’s funny, whenever I feel like life raising four little boys is super difficult (read: often) I always ALWAYS think of some random pioneer woman who had it way harder than I did alone out in the middle of nowhere battling for her and her children’s survival. Sometimes that gives me hope (if she can do THAT, I can do this!) but sometimes not. Sometimes it just makes me feel like a huge whimpering wimp. I don’t normally think of the OTHER women throughout history who had hard lives, yes, but they had help. And community. Or at least servants. Much to think on here, Jen. Thank you! Prayers still coming.
You know, as much as I LOVED the Little House series growing up and read them over and over again, I, too, compare myself to Caroline and Laura constantly. Right now, with 6 kids and homeschooling, I can barely get the dishes done and keep up with the laundry!! I can’t imagine having to do it down at the creek!
Just remember how in one of the later books, when they were finally living in a town, Pa said something like, “Hey, you know, maybe we should move out to some wilderness somewhere again” and Ma very quietly and finally said, “NO.” Laura wrote that it was like thunder and lightning had struck when her mother said that.
If even women like Ma had their limits — they couldn’t do everything, either! — then it’s no wonder that we do, too!
Rememeber too that they literally had one plate per person, and Mary & Laura had to share a cup until they were about 6 & 8 or so (they get a cup each for Christmas in one of the books). And laundry was your spare dress & shirt once a week – when Laura is getting married she & Ma having a sewing binge resulting in six dresses, which they consider will keep her clothed for any possible event for years. So while everything had to be done by hand, other than the cooking (which was WAAAY more time-consuming) it probably didn’t take much longer than it does now, because of there was so much less of it.
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Jennifer THANK YOU for sharing these thoughts! I agree whole-heartedly with your paragraph on isolation, but you have explained it much better than I could. You continue to be in my prayers, and I’m so grateful you’re still able to share with us while struggling with your own health issues. This is the encouragement I needed to pick myself up, and begin again.
Thank you so much for this. How many times a day do I beat myself up for being “lazy”! And yes-I am lazy. But not all the time.
I’ll be sharing this one with every mom I know.
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I wish for you that same moment I had, when I was hooked up to wires and IVs, dried blood splattered down my arm…
Um…. Thanks?
LOL! No, really, I get what you’re saying, but this is kind of fun to read.
I’m glad you made the comparison to Office Space. I completely understand that kind of happy.
holy cow this was insanely timely, then again so is pretty much everything you write.
so many prayers for you, thank you so much for this.
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Excellent post. I watch mothers all the time and I couldn’t agree with you more.
Deanna recently posted..7 Quick Takes
Thank you for this. One of your most beautiful pieces. I so understand what you are saying here about how realizing that it is hard takes away some of the burden.
But Jen, I have to say this. I recognized what you were feeling when you got the diagnosis even as you described it because I have felt that kind of relief before. Over the last few years many of your blog posts have brought me a similar peace of mind. It’s a well of comfort I do need to visit again and again. I keep reminding myself of a blog post you wrote long ago about how we aren’t meant to be isolated and how the internet, while it can be a source of distraction, can also give us some of the community we really do need. Thank you for sharing all of your insights. They are one of the things that keep me sane in the midst of this crazy life.
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I’ve had similar thoughts, too, that I have no right to complain when my life is so much more secure than those of the past or even most people in the present. But you’re right. I’m farther and farther from my family all the time it seems, more separated from what I considered family growing up, and I want my kids to know and love their great aunts and uncles like I did. We have physical needs met better than ever, but severely lacking are the emotional and family bonds, which I think can make us parents pour more and more into our kids because they don’t have Great Aunt Martha to teach them to bake the perfect apple pie or Grandpa to go fishing with. I guess that’s where churches need to step in and BE a family.
And I even totally get the physical aspect of your story. I don’t think I was ever more relieved in my life than when the doc told me I had a broken leg- this after 4 weeks of drill instructors screaming that I was the weak link in the chain.
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Wow. This made me cry. Thank you for writing this. It’s such a relief to know someone knows how you feel.
May be the ony man commenting on this (but maybe not the only one reading since they will miss lots if they don’t read you). This post makes me appreciate my mother even more, who continues to offer her help and support even as we siblings are all grown up and have our own lives to live. She (with my Dad) is extending her stay with my younger brother, sister-in-law, and nephew, because of my SIL’s preeclampsia that developed over the Christmas break. My folks spent Christmas with them and would have gone back home after New Year’s. Even as she has lots to do (mostly in her parish, and even after an MI last year, she continues to keep busy), she chose to help out. I sent my brothers and sister a link to this post so they too can read. Thanks for your writing.
Jen, so glad to hear from you on the blog again. You’ve got a lot of tough; I pray you keep it.
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As a one-time Mister Mom, this was helpful for me, too. This is the first of your posts I have ever read through completely, but I’ve been aware of your conversion (through Mark Shea, and some others) and have prayed for you, too.
Your insight about our social isolation is right on. Mother Teresa had a great deal to say about the loneliness of the modern world. It’s a kind of profound spiritual poverty that is worse in its way than the material privations our ancestors knew.
Thanks for your post.
I have somewhat the same problem with isolation. I am working, teaching and taking care of my 91 year old father. I have 8 siblings, but few of them come by. I am often tired down to my toes and beat myself up for not keeping things in better shape. I am so lonely at times. Prayer is often the only thing that will lift my heart.
Well, isn’t life funny? You are sick in bed, and yet, you are healing me. I almost cried reading this. I never even knew this is what I was feeling until you said it. I have spent so many days thinking I was lazy, I was ungrateful, that I was spoiled (and, you know, I am all of those things), but I am not those things so much that I need to beat myself up. I feel like you justified my feelings of isolation and “excuses” I had been coming up with in my head.
I don’t want to use this piece as a ticket to stop trying, but it certainly makes it easier knowing that I’m not alone and not insane in these thoughts
Thank You!
p.s. Whenever you write something that I just love, I always pin it so I can read it later. Don’t be creeped out if you go to my boards are there are pictures of you on them. There are no other images to pin!
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Thank you for such an uplifting post…you are an inspiration and I am so glad to have great blogs like yours to help me stay connected in some way. Most of the other adults I regularly interact with (besides my husband), are friends who have kids the same age, my kids teachers’, etc., but we don’t always have a lot in common or necessarily a relationship that’s based on much more than our kids, so having a chance to read a great blog post is almost as good as getting together with a close friend. Thank you!!
Yes. Yes yes yes yes yes and thank you. I totally understand the relief of being told that it’s NOT you, there IS something making this much more difficult, but you bringing it around to motherhood in the 21st century? Thank you so much.
I want to thank you for this. Truly. I spent December and the first week of January 9 months pregnant. I never handle my 9th month well. I get whiney and moody and don’t wish my presence on anyone. And then I despise myself for it. What kind of a Catholic can’t wait until Christmas Day is over because it is one more drain on what little energy she has? I hadn’t thought of my “job” before as hard. Yesterday though, my husband asked me, as I was debating between getting the crying newborn or holding off another minute to wipe down the toddler covered in cupcake, how I kept my sanity. It made me laugh at the time. I don’t think of myself as doing all that much and yet when I take the time to look at everything I do, it adds up. I wanted to add one thing though: I think, because there can be this stigma against stay-at-home moms, moms of big families, homeschooling moms, etc., there is this pressure to not admit things are hard, to appear to have everything under control, etc. so that we don’t give society any excuse to criticize, condemn or lecture us on our choices and in trying to convince others that we have it all together all the time, it can become a point of guilt when we know we don’t. (I hope that made sense. )
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It made sense to me. I’ m a homeschooling mom of a family that’ s considered big by the world’ s standards. I know what you mean about feeling the pressure to have it all together.
“What kind of a Catholic can’t wait until Christmas Day is over because it is one more drain on what little energy she has?”
This kind!
I would also like to add that the same is true for those of us suffering from depression and debilitating anxiety. It really is hard to get out of bed many days, especially when the anxiety merely amplifies the self blame and negativity. Sometimes the most charitable thing to do (for the sake of others as well as yourself) is to get help.
Wonderful articulation of today’s challenges. It IS hard, and just having permission to acknowledge that is like having a little vacation from all the self flagellation because my laundry is piled up.
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From your last post: “…our plans only matter to the extent that they’re ordered toward deeper intimacy with individual people.”
Your posts since you’ve gotten out of the hospital and had a birthday have done just that. You certainly are a lady of action…even in your infirmity! I think your 36th birthday is wearing very well on you, and you’ve given us some amazing gifts as a result of your traumatic medical experience. Thank you!
We are meant to do what we do in community. It would be hard to move somewhere and start all over without family and friends around you. How do people do it when they move far away from their support network? On the flip side, I am prideful and private and don’t want family around ALL the time.
Thanks for writing this, Jennifer.
Oh my word… I am bawling like a baby. You nailed it. I recall sitting in a blue gown after some tests and descending into misery as the doctor smiled and said “everything looks great!” And all I could think about was what a lazy loser I was. After almost 2 decades of wondering which percentage of my failures were sick/sinner, I am healing. And finally looking back on those painful years with gentleness. I was at walmart last night on a date with my husband (we’re a FUN couple) and I started to cry with gratitude for health… and for freedom from the burden I had carried of “lazy” “spoiled” “ungrateful”. Like you, I am those things… but not to the degree I thought. I wasn’t just the loner loser messy house mom… I was sick. And by the grace of God, my children are okay anyway. Thank you for sharing your gifts and for helping moms learn to suffer well. God be praised. Now, I am going to blow my nose and offer my evening cares up for you…
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You are spot on with this! So many times I look to my what I consider my utter miserableness as a human being when in reality, like you said exactly, our lives are hard and complex. Thank you for saying this!
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Almost never actually comment on anything, but wow…..and I see another Maggie up in the comments who said many things I wanted to say too. And also have a chronic illness………very hard to figure out what is sickness/spoiled/laziness, etc etc. I am guessing many of us are at home with kids while most of the block is a ghost-town. I mean, I have friends and family who live in same suburb or adjoining towns, but, really, it’s not the same as being surrounded by a real community of friends and family. It IS hard; women especially need a lot of social interaction – with other women.
What an amazing and insightful perspective. It moved me to tears, and has helped me find some personal peace. I’ve suffered for most of my life from depression, and one of the main internal battles that I have to fight is trying to prevent all the blame and negativity that I heap upon myself from weighing me down to the point of paralysis. I have that same argument with myself all of the time, that perhaps it’s the depression, but more likely, it’s laziness. And the thought that it is, perhaps, laziness just makes me feel more depressed. It’s a terrible cycle, and just for that reason I should learn to push such thoughts away, but sometimes I let them come out of some warped sense of a need for humility and/or accountability. But you’re so right- the main point is that motherhood, and all that it entails, is hard, and it’s okay to think that it is. Your words have really struck a chord in me, and I will try hard to keep them in mind the next time I start beating myself up over all the things I could or should be doing better.
Also, it’s wonderful to see you posting again.
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Thank you so much for sharing this wisdom, Jen! I have always been so independent and quite the introvert. So I never in a million years would have imagined that the hardest part of parenting would come from/through isolation – not having a support group, a network, a family, or even close friends nearby. On top of that, my husband separated from me soon after the baby was born. I know that God is speaking to me through your words, especially these: “when we refuse to accept real suffering as legitimate, it actually makes it harder to be grateful.”
So much to reflect on…. Thank you, and God bless you!! Praying for you and your family.
Dearest Jen…thank you for this. In the midst of your own suffering you seek to comfort others…how precious. May God heal you soon…and keep you ever in His care…may He bless your dear family…and bring peace and joy to all who love you.
Kimberly recently posted..I am a Catholic parent…
I love this. I often think my life can’t be harder than…ANY other mother and that I should never complain because it’s almost criminal how good I’ve got it. But there are always things that are hard and I’d never specifically thought about the fact before that if you acknowledge them instead of pretending they’re not there it will be easier to deal with. Thank you.
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I’m not a mom, but I’ve been through several medical situations similar to yours. Pop psychology has convinced too many women that they are in total control of their bodies and their lives, and that if they just work harder, eat better, exercise more or get a nip and tuck, anything can be fixed. Well, sometimes, we can’t fix ourselves, no matter what we do — then we have to seek help. It’s as true for single women as wives and mothers — and we can even be more isolated, since there’s not a husband or kids around.
Jen, I can relate to you but in kind of an unusual way. My husband Robert just got some bad news from his liver transplant coordinator (he is awaiting transplant for hepatitis C that he got from a blood transfusion 23 years ago). He had his annual MRI scan of the abdomen last friday and they found a mass in his liver. They said it was easily treatable and would bump him up to the top of the list if that was it, but they also saw “something”, smaller than 1 cm, in the base of his right lung. Now, he did have surgery in that lung 23 years ago after it collapsed, and it was a very extensive 13 hour surgery, so we are thinking maybe that is what they saw, Anyhow, they sent him today for a lung scan, and we are to call in the AM for results.
Anyhow, I am scared and fearful way beyond what a good, faith filled catholic spouse should be. You amaze me daily with your incredibly brave kids, Please, hold us up in prayer before the throne. Thank you.
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Kerry, I was reading through the comments to Jen’s blog post and came to yours. Your decency and generosity shines through your words and I am deeply saddened by the difficult news you recently received. Please know that there is a stranger in London who will be praying for a benign diagnosis, a quick match on a liver donator, and a rapid recovery.
Amen
Wow, Kerry, that is SUCH a difficult situation. You and your family will be in my prayers!
Jen, this is beautiful, thank you. Needed words for myself and so many…for sure.
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Having also been a mom with blood-splattered arms and IVs sticking in veins and doctors not sure I’ll make it through the night (at 32 – over six years ago now), I will just say, Thank you. I don’t know how you do it. But I needed this. So much. And while I don’t have as many kids as you do, my situation was just as bad. I darn near died. Sometimes I need to cut myself some slack and be ok with not being supermom. You know, supermom with a heart condition. Egads. Prayers for you and your family. Lord have mercy.
Although not a mom I remember that feeling from high school. I spent four years thinking I was lazy for sleeping 24/7. Then my senior year a doctor finally sent the ekg of my ‘panic attack’ to a cartiologist. Turns out Ihad a heart condition and wasnt lazy and useless.
I needed this reminder as I suffer through a winter low. I need to pay attention to the sins I AM commiting
Wonderful article!
I would also add that in a modern family all of our modern conveniences make it much harder in a way. 200 years ago, each member of the family didn’t have dozens of outfits all needing to be washed/put away. People had a daily outfit, a nice outfit, and nightclothes. Much less to wash. Kids didn’t have the mountains of toys. Caring for all of our material abundance, has added a lot of stress to our lives.
And how could you be asked to pick up your cross and follow Him if there wasn’t real suffering involved? You moms aren’t failing at motherhood, you are struggling and suffering under the weight of the very real cross. God bless you!
Love this one Jen!!!!
Also, I can’t imagine what that thumbs up sign did for Joe. It’s totally freaky to see your spouse in that situation, but you were like “the real Jen is still here!”
I was JUST beating myself up in these EXACT ways – and here is Dr. Jen, reassuring me. Thank you for this blessing.
I think added to the reasons above for unique challenges would be a less present husband/father. There is more of an expectation for dads of single-income families to work more hours away from the home, which means less time as a team raising the kids, less time to renew the marriage, less time for family apostolate, etc…
Jen, this post is a gift and has brought me to tears this morning. Thank you so much. I hope you’re feeling good today.
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Jen – We continue to pray for you. What an insightful, encouraging post. Get rid of the imaginary sins and then we can repent of our actual sins and, most importantly, move on in joy! Blessing, blessings!
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The office space clip was hilarious! I forgot that scene and wasn’t sure what you meant until I clicked on it. Definitely sounds like your situation relates to it. I love your blog, and I don’t read many- definitely addicted.
I woke up this morning in terrible, terrible physical pain. Nothing like what you have but worse than normal aches and such. I needed to read this. Offering it up for you and giving myself a little break if things aren’t perfect around here today.
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Thank you for this, Jen. As others said: extremely well-timed and perfectly apropos. Hope you continue feeling better. We’re still praying for you.
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Thank you, once again, Jennifer, for sharing with us, even as you are dealing with all that you are dealing with!
The principles in your post are things I’ve only recently begun to learn, especially that we need to be kind to ourselves. You said, “Even sitting there in a hospital room, I felt closer to God and happier with my life than I had in a long, long time.” This fits with my current belief that when we stop beating ourselves up, we open ourselves more fully to feel God’s love.
Not that I’m so good at that; it’s a work in progress…hm, or should I use the word “work” in this context? Sometimes it’s a “less work” in progress, like buying the ready-cooked deli chicken without guilt, or stopping for a bit, when possible, to take a nap or read a good book. Or just acknowledging that psychological stuff can take its toll on us just as much as physical work can.
God bless you, and praying for you.
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I must echo the thank you! I recently went to confession (don’t worry, not going to TMI you to death), and realized how hard I am on myself. And sometimes allow others to join in the fun. It has been an eye opener.
Prayers for you as you walk this scary, difficult path.
+JMJ+
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Wow, I have been saying this same thing for nearly two decades. Modern motherhood is harder than it should be and it’s because we isolate ourselves from our extended families. We’ve bought into this notion that the normal thing to do is get married and move away to where-ever the jobs are. Young couples don’t make it a priority to job hunt in their hometowns. Then when they have several little children and Mama comes down with the flu, everything falls apart. There is no one to help them. I don’t think God intended family life to be like this.
I tell my children all the time: When you grow up, live nearby. I will help you. But I can’t be there for you if you are all scattered across the country.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I wept reading this. I think it’s especially easy to think ourselves lazy when we will sometimes hear an older mom with whom we might spend time in our home look around and suggest this to us in a roundabout way. “When I was a Mom of young kids, I used to x, y, z every day.” They, and we, see our attachment to FB and other social networking tools as confirming signs of selfishness and laziness to boot. They forget their families grew up in neighborhoods where from 9-5, you would in fact see other human adults and the children had other children their age to play with! Every. Single. Day. It just dawns on me that the people who say “I couldn’t be home with my kids all day, so I work” might not actually dislike their kids — they despise being isolated. And, I think homeschooling is compounding this isolation for many of us. It’s hard for families with children my children’s age to get together with us because they are so very busy at home with school and everything else.
Soo much agreement! My addiction to Facebook = proof of my selfish laziness. Or… does it mean I crave connection? And yes, when I was a child I was outside from sun-up to sun-down. My kids are squabbling (loudly) over the Wii. There are no children with whom they can go out and play. We used to live in a neighborhood with a swimming pool and even in the summer we were the only ones there. It was creepy weird.
I’ve been isolated for 18 years and I’ve got 18 more to go. I am so over homeschooling, so over full-time stay at home-ing. I love my children and so I’ll keep on keepin’ on. But some days I fantasize about being a stewardess.
LazyMom, I love you! Haha!!! I struggled through whilst homeschooling and homechurching with undiagnosed Lyme disease for about 15 years….totally castigating myself for my ‘laziness’ or lack of character, or whatever. It was hard to admit I was also ‘over’ the homeschooling but after I became Catholic hubs agreed to let the gradeschoolers attend Catholic school (which is a 50 minute drive one way…yes we live in the boondocks.) I still have a preschooler, a jr. high student who attends once weekly classical school co-op, an online highschooler, and one (!) graduate. *sigh* But the gradeschoolers!! Aren’t home all freaking day!! I LOVE it.
You said, “It just dawns on me that the people who say “I couldn’t be home with my kids all day, so I work” might not actually dislike their kids — they despise being isolated.” Suzanne, I think you have hit the nail on the head! Great insight!
This post makes me want to jump up and down and shout YES! YES! I think we also assume that being open to life means we aren’t allowed to ever say, “That’s it, I just can’t do anymore right now.” I’ve come to realize that it’s okay to say, “I have to have enough physical health and emotional sanity left to take care of the kids God’s already given me.” My kids are really close together, and one of them has special needs, so it’s like having three preschoolers/toddlers I’m trying to train all at once, and only one who’s old enough to help in any significant way. I don’t have the medical issues you do, but I’m maxed out, and it’s not sinful to admit it.
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Funny, I want to believe it, but I still feel like a whiner. So says the girl with three kids who lives 300 miles from a support network and whose *only* local social interaction in the last six months has been dropping and picking up her oldest child from preschool…
Liz, I know how it feels – I moved from family and friends in Scotland to middle of nowhere desert California. It is hard, it’s still hard, but I have a few friends now that make it bearable. I will pray for you to make friends locally. You have courage, or you wouldn’t have moved, you can do hard things!!
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Beautiful post and if I may submit – not just about mothers. 21st century life is hard on everyone; it’s just degrees of difficulty. We are never truly unplugged and even though we can set down the iPhone or iPad or other device-intended-to-make-your-life-easier – for some self-torturing reason we don’t anywhere near as often as we should. When you could be guaranteed private, quiet time on the commute to work – now you have a cell phone that was supposed to be for convenience and now? You have to make yet another decision to answer it or not.
I know – first world problem.
The fact is that all of our lives – mothers and non-mothers (like me) – are not as easy as they should be. Oh sure, we are more efficient but that efficiency just lets us fit more things into the day – and we do that all day, every day.
I work 50 hours a week, my husband the same. We are busy with our parish-life, our regular life, with commitments after work and on weekends. Some of them are of our choosing, others are obligations. And they all combine to make us – all of us – exhausted and beating ourselves up about how much we didn’t do, rather than look at all that we do – do.
We aren’t inherently lazy – in fact I would posit that we all do far more than we really should.
I had a hip replacement 4 months ago at age 49. And once it was time to go to the hospital for the surgery – I was glad. Because it meant I had 8 weeks off from work and a perfect excuse to say no to things. So I know what you mean about that sense of relief – and how sad is that; that it takes a major health crisis of some kind for us to disconnect, step back and examine our lives.
As a follow-up to my own comment, I have a friend who says this:
We are human BE-ings, not human DO-ings.
Something to think about.
I agree — even as a non-mom, I found this post helpful!
Hi,
Im not a blogger, but I follow yours and am always checking in on it everyday.
I really appreciate this post because I feel like that everyday. I am not a stay at home mom, I work full-time, but the feeling of being inadequate and not a good enough mother is always there. Sometimes I get home from work and just sit and watch the kids play and let them eat whatever they want because im exhausted and would rather spend time with them than clean the house and cook. I get stressed from work, I get stressed because they are non-verbal and sometimes the crying, sleepless nights, and clinginess are too much for me…and i feel so guilty and so horrible for being lazy.
anyway, thanks, this made me feel alot better.
I am an introvert, and pretty good at being alone. Like many mothers, as you said, I find being a mom hard and exhausting sometimes. We recently had three house guests for three weeks. I expected to find this time exhausting and draining, not only because the guests (an adult and two teenagers, who are family members) and I don’t speak the same language, but because I value my time alone. Well, I was surprised to find that everything was so much easier with them here. Cooking and cleaning went quickly and happily, even though the number of people in our house had doubled. We went for a walk together every afternoon, and played board games after dinner. It felt like this was the way life was meant to be lived, rather than having two tired parents and one tired preschooler trying to enjoy a tense dinner together. I didn’t have to watch our three year old all the time, and she got to go outside to play with the other kids pretty much whenever she wanted. It made me realize too how much easier everything would be if we had any friends or family living close by (we have recently moved). With my husband away, I literally have not talked to anyone else in three days. Your post made me realize that maybe I’m not failing to do what I need to do when I go online to relax. I didn’t need the internet when our house was full of people, but I do need it when I’m alone.
I think I feel the same way with the internet. It’s hard to be alone all the time. Thankfully, one day a week I spend with my parents at their house and my boys run wild. I wish my neighborhood had families living at home and homeschooling. Then we might have the whole over-the-fence conversations rather than FB time or the internet.
This is beautiful Jen. Thank you for writing it.
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Thank you for this post. 100% true. Continued prayers for you.
I love this post! I had a similar realization during my last pregnancy…I hit 32 weeks and still had the fatigue of the first trimester. The exhaustion was just crushing. This third baby was doing me in, and I felt like such a wimp. I kept blaming myself and soldiering on with my one and three year old. And I kept wondering how anyone could ever have a big family and why couldn’t I keep up when I only had two little ones?
It turns out I was VERY anemic. When the midwife called with my blood work results, I practically leapt for joy. She was really surprised with my reaction “I’ve never had anyone be so happy about being anemic!” and I replied, “But there’s a pill for that! We can fix anemia, I thought I was just being a wimp this whole time. This is such good news!”
I haven’t read through all the comments, but I’m sure I’m not the only one saying THANK YOU – needed to read this so much today. You are still in our prayers here, hope you’re feeling better with each day!!
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What a wonderful post and so timely for me! I’m one of the only SAHMs I know, which is why I started blogging. You’re 100% right, the isolation is a killer (something husbands don’t even grasp sometimes), and it’s fantastic and refreshing to hear you say it’s ok to acknowledge how hard it is.
I’ve beat myself up more than a thousand times about the time I spend on social media, chalking it up to laziness, but you’re right; women need camaraderie, friendship, and a way to touch base with one another during the day. In this day and age, shutting yourself away from everyone and everything is completely overwhelming.
At the end of the day, if the kids are fed, semi-clean, and I’ve made someone laugh, it’s a good day. Thanks for reminding me that the pizza we’re about to have tonight won’t make Julia Child roll over in her grave from my inadequacies.
Get some rest and feel better!…:)
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God bless you Jen, you continue to inspire us even while sick.
I had a similar epiphany last night, filling out a very detailed form on my daily activities (or lack of them) for my Social Security Disability claim. When I noted how much harder it is to care for my girls with constant back pain and fatigue, and how this robs my writing time, I felt absolved of guilt for being constantly behind in my duties. As you said, no one is starving, there are just more cobwebs and fewer flowers and great meals.
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I can relate to so much of what you say here, now and when we were trying tto have our son. So many people say “oh just relax” or “quit stressing” and fail to acknowledge that it is indeed suffering to have to continuously hope for something that God will not grant right now. And that doesn’t take away from the suffering of others but it is still indeed suffering. I would feel like I was just whining and that I was being selfish but allowing yourself the slack to admit its hard is the first step in during out what you can do to make it better.
Thank you for this. I’m moved to tears that someone could formulate that thoughts and feelings that I didn’t even know I had. It helps to explain why I was so sad to find out I wasn’t pregnant (we have 5 already) In reading this I realized I was also sad to find out I wasn’t because I felt like if I was pregnant I’d have “an excuse” to not have it all together, or not get the best dinners on the table, or to be tired or overwhelmed and when I learned I wasn’t pregnant–well it was just my lazy self to blame. Thank you for a different perspective.
The truth is … you are not Mr. Griswold. Stop trying to be.
But I’m totally with you about our culture not letting us be human. My family has suffered terrible tragedies … one for each member of the family except me … over the last 3 years. So since I’m the only one not suffering a direct tragedy, guess who gets to keep everything from flying apart … and let me tell you I am invisible. No one wants to hear about our struggles; they just want us to say everything is going well. No one cares to help us, not even in the deepest depths of the suffering in the early part of our biblical saga. Only my mother has been an emotional support because she physically cannot help us any other way, may God bless her richly. Let youself be human, for your own sanity if for no other reason. You’re lucky to have a support system so you CAN have a physical or any other kind of breakdown; I never had that option. Enjoy the love you have and pray for those who have no one.
Love your blog.
Yes, lonliness and isolation has often befallen the homeschool community.
My women friends struggle with this far more than academics.And so do I.
I’ve got 4 kids ages 13 to 21 and have homeschooled for over 16 years.
It’s been lonely. Our subdivision empties out at 7am and I see no adults till evening. We own one car and husband works 40 minutes away which means I’m always home. For the pst 7 years we’ve been in a state of ‘genteel poverty’ {DUE TO MILL CLOSURES]
Even though I am a creative and resourseful women, I’m totally burnt out from having to make magic with the little we have. No one sees the great
effort it takes outside of these walls. I feel terribly guilty for feeling envious of others now and then. Shouldn’t I just be able to pick up my cross and suck it up? My husband is a good man and we pray daily to
accept God’s will in our lives. My discouragement comes when I’m just living in a grin and bear it attitude.I know in my heart it is not healthy….but we pray and hope and go on.
/
I grew up right next door to my grandma and had lots of family around. It was heaven. It was meant to be like that. I also tell my children I hope they live close to home. What good are grandbabies if I see them once a year!
I think I’m going to print this out and INHALE it twice a day! Thank you for writing this!
After my 3rd child, I became an angry, mean person. I was exhausted but had insomina. I beat myself up everyday for how I treated my kids and my husband. I prayed every morning for God to give me the graces necessary to be gentler and kinder and I asked for forgiveness every evening.
It was only after I started charting again for NFP that my doctor and I realized my estrogen and progestrone had tanked. I was overjoyed that there was a medical cause for my emotional outbursts and inabliity to sleep. A few shots at the right time of the month and I was the person I was before my third child. Not perfect but certainly not a monster.
I completely get your happiness at your diagnosis and the peace that came with it. However, I’m not as insightful as you. Thanks for sharing all your thoughts. It gives me much to contemplate for the next few days.
Beautiful post-thank you. I once worked in a refugee centre (in New Zealand) and became friends with a wonderful young Kurdish woman called Berkhat. She had fled Iraq with her sick elderly father and nine younger siblings at the age of ten. (Her mother had died). At the refugee camp (in Jordan?) her father arranged for her to marry a man in his upper 20s. Her point of view on this was that it was her dad’s love that motivated him to do this while he had the strength. He was ensuring the protection and provision of her since he knew he may not live long. The man was steady and kind and had a good family. Once married, the man and his family would provide for Berkhat and her little brothers and sisters. She married him and had two babies and they got a placement to a new country when she was 16, her children were four and two. They had many crises/adventures before finally arriving in NZ via China a year later. I got to know her the year she turned 30. She and her husband were settled, renting a house, her husband had a job, her two elder children were doing well in school and they had another baby aged three. She had a good relationship with her husband and her siblings were settled in Scandanavia. We used to talk a lot about about life, motherhood, cultural expectations, modern life etc. I asked her if she thought she might have more children. She said emphatically no, not in NZ. I asked why. She said having her eldest two babies had been a complete joy and no trouble. Everyone was around to help and care for them and her. Even though living in the Refugee camp was dire in terms of material life/sanitation/dangers/anxiety about the future etc to her being a mother there was a joy. And she would have had more children there had they not got the placement to a new country. In NZ, though they were physically safe and had more material goods and prospects she felt life was very hard – the isolation of being in a house in the suburbs by yourself all day while her husband was at work at older children at school. Berkhat is a very bright and resourceful person and spoke great English and involved herself in local community activities including volunteering at the refugee centre where I worked supporting new refugees in their settlement. However to her, the inner experience of being a mother was glaringly different- one built her and her family up, and the other in NZ was uphill hard work all the way.
We are called to be in the world but not of it.
Living in developed countries, we are caught in a bind. On the one hand we can enjoy more or less comfortable houses, good sanitation, medical care, education, internet etc… along with that comes lots of stuff, lots of choices, high expectations for our lives, our children, our own inner lives. Because we can read about everything we reflect and worry about everything, things which didn’t concern our fore-mothers or Berkhat formerly. It sometimes seems as if life is an exam eg childbirth, food for our children, ethical products, any new challenge… You could say it’s the price of wealth (society if not individual).
Jen, I love your clarity and grip on seeing the big picture- what it all means. Hearing Berkhat state so categorically that being a mother in rich, modern day NZ was very hard was music to my ears and helped me get some perspective. Here I’d been feeling sorry for her having her babies in the Camp whereas her heart went out to me never experiencing the close love and connection where being a community is the baseline of experience. How can we do this where we are here and now? Much as we love our First world comforts it comes at a high cost. Many choices doesn’t foster peace of heart and lots of stuff, a tranquil life. Even we we buck the norm (being Catholic, raising and educating our children at home, living simply) we have the double bind of all the society wide first world issues plus those of our own making- hard to make ends meet, feeling emotionally spent all the time etc. When I try and involve myself in Parrish and local community activities to build community it feels like such an effort though it’s a good thing to do. Melanie B wrote eloquently on this recently.
What to do?
Why did God make me? To know him, love him and serve him in this world and be happy with him forever in the next.
As you said, Jen, love people one person at a time. So at any one moment the focus can just be on being open and present to the one in front of us.
That what other people may think is their business, not ours.
And gratitude. A million times a day to be able to say thank you. The rain -no drought, my children- they are healthy if a bit loud, etc that God is making something so wondrous out of our straggly heartfelt imperfect efforts. We only get to see the back side of the tapestry of life but trust the Holy Spirit has the design in hand and is getting it sorted…
Maybe it has been given to our generation to pioneer community in a world impoverished by riches.
Love and prayers to you and your family xx
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Jen, I’ve been following your blog since I met you at the Catholic New Media Conference in Aug. You were on my prayer list when I got the wod from CWG. So glad you are feeling better, inside and out.
As a mother I struggled with these same attacks on my self-image when I raised my own children. Now, as a grandmother, I am sending this blog to my daughter and my daughters-in-law with my blessing.