Celebrating Advent
As I mentioned, at the beginning of this month I found myself scrambling to celebrate Advent…which was especially challenging since I had no idea what Advent was (luckily my kind readers helped me out). I had to turn the page over on my already huge to-do list to now add “Get Advent wreath!”, then after thinking for a moment, “Figure out what Advent wreath is for” and, after more thought, “Figure out what Advent is for.”
Though I sincerely wanted to know more about this season, I felt burdened by having more to do. As if the Christmas season wasn’t already busy enough, if I were to observe Advent it would mean doing even more! So I prayed. I prayed a prayer of regret, expressing remorse that I knew I wasn’t going to be able to properly observe this season, asking God for help, and promising to try to do better next year.
Meanwhile, I had been working on the issue of anger. The topic had seemed to have come out of nowhere — I didn’t think I had a problem with being angry and it was never in my plan to work on it. Yet it kept coming up. I couldn’t set the issue aside, even though I kind of wanted to. I really felt that God was leading me to work on this right now, though I didn’t know why.
As I’ve chronicled, I came to realize that my anger was almost always the result of being anxious, which was always the result of not trusting God. I began trying hard to never allow myself to indulge in feelings of frustration and anxiety: whether my toddler threw a bad temper tantrum or all the pots and pans came cascading loudly out of the cabinet when I opened it or my neighbor stopped me to tell me a loooong story when I was in a hurry, I would seek peace by remembering that all I had to do was trust God. I worked hard at letting go of my plans, at not fixating on how these inconvenient events were derailing what I “had to” do (according to me).
I trusted that I would get it all done…as long as I accepted “it” as what God wanted me to do instead of what I wanted to do.
Then, this morning, I thought of how two days from now is the last Sunday of Advent, how it’s a shame that I let it slip by. I never did get around to making an Advent wreath with the kids, we didn’t do a Jesse tree or put up a little Christmas countdown calendar. I didn’t even read any of the things I’d earmarked as “good Advent reading.”
But as I’ve gone through my day (day five of a visit from my mother-in-law), I realized that something has changed — something big. I’m not stressed. Sure, I am occasionally tempted to be stressed when I see all the gifts I have to wrap or my mother-in-law shouts from the living room over the blaring television that my three-year-old spilled the Coke she was letting him drink. And I guess I have felt anxious here and there. But, for the most part, it has really worked to just turn to God with all anxiety, to say “I trust that you will work this out” every single time I start feeling stressed. I have made it through this Christmas season in a (mostly) peaceful state.
Last Sunday the priest at a friend’s church talked about Advent as a season of waiting, and that our goal should be to wait well. And as I walked through my choatic house, looking at all the areas that could be more clean, thinking of all the things that didn’t get done — we never did get a Christmas tree up, I forgot to get gifts for a couple of loved-ones, I didn’t make those Christmas cookies, I couldn’t even find time to decorate the house at all — I realized that I am actually at peace with all of this. So many things that I really wanted to do didn’t happen; but the only thing that really matters did happen: I trusted God. I had sort of hoped that God’s plan would involve me miraculously finding the time to make my house look like something out of Martha Stewart Magazine’s Christmas issue, to come across a bunch of extra money to get all those gifts I wanted to get, to take the kids for a portrait with Santa.
But none of that happened.
And I realized that, ironically, it is in the fact that none of these “important” things got done that I observed Advent after all. I put my trust in God, even at the expense of all my big plans. I was patient as I waited for him to show me the path forward, even though it was really tempting to elbow God aside and frantically rush around to “get things done!” I set aside my plans for his, and in the process gave my family the gift of a calm, happy mommy. I waited well.
We’re always victorious as long as we’re willing to fight
I’m so inspired by some of the comments I’ve received recently in which others have talked about how they too are working toward spiritual growth, often in the same areas as I am. It’s humbling and refreshing to hear of so many other people out there trying to fight the good fight.
I came across something inspiring the other day, once again from Introduction to the Devout Life, that I thought I’d share in case anyone else out there ever feels discouraged (as I do sometimes). Every time I’ve felt like it’s hopeless, like I fail too often and see too few improvements, I think of these words that the great Doctor of the Church writes in the first part of the Introduction:
The work of purging the soul neither can nor should end except with our life itself. We must not be disturbed at our imperfections, since for us perfection consists in fighting against them. How can we fight against them unless we see them, or overcome them unless we face them?…To practice humility it is absolutely necessary for us at times to suffer wounds in this spiritual warfare, but we are never vanquished unless we lose our life or our courage.
[I]t only remains for us not to lose courage. Save me, O Lord, from cowardice and discouragement, David says. Fortunately for us, in this war we are always victorious provided that we are willing to fight.
I’ve thought of this often in the past week, and hope that others find it inspiring as well.
What did you do right in 2007?
I love New Year’s resolutions. I love using the start of a new calendar year as inspiration to finally make some of those changes I’ve wanted to make, to do new things, to improve areas I’ve long wanted to improve.
But as I was going over my list of things I want to do in 2008 (working on anger, not surprisingly, being one of them) I felt a little bit hopeless. Thinking of my tendency to start projects that I don’t finish, how very often I fail at my attempts at spiritual growth, how so many of my great plans have fallen by the wayside, I made some comment to my husband like, “I don’t know why I bother.”
But then, like the sweet guy he is, he pointed out that I actually did lots of good stuff this year. Much of it wasn’t exactly what I intended to do, or even what I originally wanted to do, but they were accomplishments nonetheless. He listed various areas of my life that I got organized, ways in which I grew spiritually, little things that used to be problems back in 2006 that I’d resolved in 2007.
It was such an inspiring exercise that I wanted to ask my readers: What did you do right in 2007? What were some things that you accomplished, problems you resolved, ways you grew spiritually, etc.? It could be in any area at all — home organization projects, prayer life, parenting, weight loss — whatever! I’d love to hear about it, not just because it’s a nice topic for us all to think about this time of year, but maybe we’ll get inspiration from one another as we head into 2008. I’ll leave my answer in the comments.