An idea for Sunday

A while back I read a thought-provoking post by Ouiz (one of my MegaMom interviewees) in which she mentioned an interesting idea she got from the How-To Book of the Mass: before Mass, she prays to ask God to help her hear a single word or phrase that she’s supposed to take with her and ponder throughout the day. She said that God has answered this prayer every time.

I was intrigued, so I tried it.

In my typical ADD, scattered way, my “prayer” was more like thinking that I would like to do that thing that Ouiz did the day before Mass, and then completely forgetting about it after that. So I was caught off guard when I was kneeling in Mass the next day, and during the Consecration a phrase I’ve heard every single Sunday since I began attending Catholic churches hit me like a ton of bricks:

A death he freely accepted.

I suddenly remembered my little prayer, and there was no question that this was the phrase I was meant to hear. Normally I would analyze something like this to death, focusing on a bunch of other phrases after that, wondering which one I was supposed to meditate on or if this whole thing was all in my head — but this time there was no doubt. That was my phrase, and God wanted me to think about it.

As I lay in bed that night, I rolled it over and over in my mind.

A death.

God died. God…died. God — the author of all that is, the Force behind everything from love to oceans to supernovae — experienced death.

He freely accepted.

In his human form, he felt pain, experienced dread, wished it could be some other way. He could have gotten out of it. But he didn’t. He gave up everything, and he gave it up for us. Without complaint. About to experience the most painful, unfair, unjust, undeserved act in the history of the universe, he accepted it without even an utterance of the type of complaining I do when I feel like I have too much laundry to do.

This ended up being a powerful meditation that gave me a lot of important food for thought, specifically in areas that I most needed to work on (ahem, complaining about even the smallest sacrifices).

I thought I’d share in case anyone else finds it interesting. Every time I’ve prayed for this since then, I have received an equally clear, helpful answer. Each Sunday now I look forward to seeing what new word or phrase I’ll be given to ponder throughout the week.

This time last year…

I have a house full of young ladies this afternoon, which limits my time for blog posting today. I’m going to use a tip I saw on Daily Blog Tips and use existing content to create a new post. So, in case I don’t finish the other new post I was working on today, here’s a little trip down memory lane:

What I was writing about this time last year…

• A well-worn apron
  
• Seeking God before seeking the snooze button
  
• When your husband/wife is an atheist
  
• “Would you kids be quiet! I’m trying to seek God’s will here!”
  
• What is more terrifying than a scorpion?
  
• Great writing tips for bloggers
  
• You first
  
• Talking to your kids about death
  
• Also, this is when I was doing the MegaMom Interview series with moms of large families. Some of my favorites:
• Milehimama’s story
  
• Hope’s story
  
• “Children are never a mistake” (don’t miss the last part of this one)

OK, back to my guests. Hopefully I’ll have a new post up later.

MegaMom Interviews: Ouiz on having help

It’s been a while since I’ve posted a MegaMom Interview, so I’m delighted to share some more of Ouiz’s thoughts on parenting a large family. Be sure to check out Ouiz’s blog, Chez Ouiz, and if you’ve missed any of the other MegaMom Interviews you can find the archives here.

I asked:

Are you able to handle it all on your own, or do you rely on outside help from family or other caregivers?

She answered:

So far, I’ve done it solo. Parents and in-laws are too far away, unfortunately! I tried hiring someone to watch the babies so I could homeschool at the beginning, but that just never worked out…too stressful for me!

I don’t want to paint some sort of rosy picture — that I’m just gliding through this whole experience with no difficulty. There are days when I seriously wonder if I can handle one more minute emotionally!

Biggest help: getting on my knees every morning and consciously telling Jesus that I need His grace to get me through this day, or I will fall flat on my face. “If You do not give me the grace that I need to be a good Mom, Lord, I will fail You…and them…so miserably. You know what it’s like to be pulled at from all sides, and there were days that You wanted to run away from it all too. So be with me, Lord, and show me how to do this.”

Second biggest help: a very understanding husband who gives me a lot of support, and a great network of friends that I can call. Without them, I would have gone insane years ago.

I asked:

What is one thing you’ve learned over your years as a mother that you wish you’d known from the beginning?

She answered:

That feeling overwhelmed and stressed out is OK…that trying to attain the “picture perfect household” in a sea of kids is impossible…that you simply CANNOT do this without the Lord’s grace, and it’s ridiculous to try…and that it’s crucial to focus on what’s truly important.

Other than that, I would stress the need for a great support group — people you can call when you need someone to pray for you before you completely lose it!

Huge thanks to Ouiz and all the other moms who have taken the time to participate in these interviews!

MegaMom Interviews: "I could never do that!"

Hope, a mother of eight, has once again been kind enough to answer questions about life with lots of children. Be sure to check out her blog Mothers of Many Saints for more insights, and you can see the rest of the MegaMom Interviews here.

I asked:

Q: What would you say to women who look at how many children you have and think, “I could never do that, it would be too (physically / mentally / financially) hard”?

She responded:

I hear this all the time. I hear this from people who say that they couldn’t do the mothering that a large family demands, and generally I just give an encouraging, “Sure you could!” Some just say it, because it’s something to say, with no real consideration or care about inviting a new life into their family. Sometimes, though, I hear it from ladies at Church, who perhaps are truly struggling with the question of adding another soul to their family.

Recently, a woman who is an acquaintance, approached me at a church function, and the first thing she said was, “Are there going to be any more?” I looked at her quizzically, wondering at first if she was referring to the on-stage music or the festival itself, as if she was asking if there would be more music or another festival, but I quickly realized she was asking if there would be anymore children. I said, “Sure, maybe, only God knows.” This about knocked the socks off this mother of three. I guess because I don’t have it all planned out. As we talked I could tell that mothering and the question of following Church teaching regarding marriage was a struggle for her.

The state of being open to life in your marriage does not mean that you start off with having it all together. I mean, we had two children before we even had an income. When we started our family we were young, poor, and still had a lot of learning to do. At the beginning we hardly would have thought we would be where we are today — with eight kids, and we certainly were not “ready” by the world’s standards. But God has blessed us with each baby. The babies come just one at time, and with each we have grown and learned in many ways. If we had stopped at two or three, I would still think I couldn’t do eight. Just like I hear about families with twelve plus children and I think, “Wow, there is no way I could do that!”

A question I would ask myself and anyone else who thinks they couldn’t do it is, “Why not?” Is it impatience? Pray for patience and find practical ways to learn patience. Is it finances? Maybe a better job can be found or better budgeting can be practiced. Is it health? Learn how to be healthy and develop good habits. Is it disorganization? Learn how to instill order in your life. Is it a struggling marriage or unruly children? Learn how to fortify these relationships. If you do these things, you will see blessings in your life, blessings that prepare you to open your heart and home to just one more.

The point would be to learn to be content in every circumstance, trust in God, and keep striving for holiness.

A big thanks to Hope for taking the time to put together such a beautiful response!

MegaMom Interviews: Laundry and rooms

For the latest installment of my series of interviews with moms of large families, I had some questions about the details of day-to-day life. Ouiz, mom of (almost) seven and blogger at Chez Ouiz, was once again kind enough to answer my questions.

I asked:

Q: How on earth do you handle all the laundry?! I can barely keep up with our load, and I only have two children so far. Any tips for how to handle it as our family grows?

She replied:

Anyone who says they’ve got it all together and never get behind on the laundry are either supermoms or lying. Laundry is a never-ending, mind numbing task that makes me want to scream some days! When I am able to stay on schedule, here’s how I’ve had to break it down:

Monday: our (my husband and I) laundry, the baby’s laundry
Tuesday: our and the baby’s bedding
Wednesday: girls’ laundry
Thursday: girls’ sheets/bedspreads
Friday: boys’ laundry
Saturday: boys’ sheets/bedspreads
Sunday: DAY OF REST… NO LAUNDRY!!

That way, I’m not sorting through 8 people’s socks and underwear and trying to figure out what belongs to each child.

Each clothing hamper takes about two loads. I fold as soon as the dryer goes off, whenever possible. I hang up dressy clothing, and fold and hand the rest of the clothes to the appropriate child to put away.

Now the “dirty little secrets”:

I don’t believe in ironing… ever! That’s what the fluff cycle is for. If it’s still kinda wrinkly, I hang it up in the bathroom so the shower steam will smooth it out.

I don’t bother to separate into the appropriate “whites/colors/darks” categories (unless it’s extremely delicate or new). I wash everything in hot water and, surprisingly, have had very few “disasters” with colors that have bled.

Bathtimes are rough, because by the end of it all I’ve got 3 wet towels and washcloths, plus all the dirty clothing from 6 little kids who managed to get them awfully wet on the bathroom floor. I use said wet clothes to wipe down the bathroom floor, and then dump the whole mess into the washing machine for an evening load.

*IF* I keep to this schedule, I’m able to keep everything going efficiently.

I asked:

Q: What about rooms — I assume each child doesn’t have his/her own room? Do the kids who share rooms get along pretty well? Sometimes I worry that our growing family will bee too cramped until we can somehow afford some sprawling McMansion!

She replied:

Three boys in one room (10×12′), three girls in another (same size). My husband built bunk beds with a trundle bed underneath, so the littlest one in each room gets that one.

While *I* tend to worry that they don’t have enough space, to them it is a non-issue. More often than not, they want to sleep in the same twin beds together! For them it is much safer, and less scary, to have someone else with them in their rooms at night.

Thanks again to Ouiz for taking the time to answer all my questions about life in a big family!

MegaMom Interviews: How do you make sure each child gets enough attention?

I’m delighted to share another installment of my email interviews with moms of big families. Today I have answers from two “MegaMoms”. Ouiz of Chez Ouiz is currently pregnant with baby number seven, and Hope of Mothers of Many Saints is a mom of eight.

Today’s question is one of the ones that most perplexes me. I am an only child and even an only grandchild on one side of the family, so one thing I was particularly curious about is:

Q: A frequent concern for those of us who grew up in and around small families is getting to spend enough quality time with each child. What is your philosophy on that, and do you feel like you’re able to spend enough one-on-one time with each child?

Ouiz answered:

I will always worry that I’m somehow short-changing someone in the attention department. With 6 little ones, it’s very hard to give everyone the same amount of attention as everyone else. That’s just life.

I try to look at it this way: the Lord knew that child X would be the middle child in a large family…or whatever…and will give him the grace he needs to be in that role. On days when I’m beating myself up agonizing over whether I’ve spent enough time with each child, I remind myself that He loves them even more than I do, and will take care of them and supply what they need when I’ve fallen short.

Over the course of a week, I try to make sure I’ve done SOMETHING with each of them — asking them to help me cook, or taking a few minutes to have a cup of tea with them while they tell me a story, or reading a special story to “just the boys”, etc. One of the best things I can do is make sure I give them my attention when they are talking to me…a small thing that sometimes is one of the biggest sacrifices I can make, but let’s them know that they are important enough for me to stop and listen to.

Where I am unable to give each child substantial chunks of time, their siblings jump right in. My children usually “pair up” and play with each other quite contentedly, so no child is ever “alone” unless he or she has specifically sought it out. There is ALWAYS someone to applaud their efforts, see the big tower they just built, or read them a story. There is a WHOLE LOT of laughter in this little house, so I must assume that they are growing up contentedly and happy.

Hope answered:

I think this is a concern for every mom in some regard, and is the root of the “mommy guilt” that is popularly referred to so often in the media. All loving mothers wonder if they are doing enough. The question is, though, what is enough, and then, enough of what? It comes down to determining what kids really need and then making sure that that is what they get. It’s all about priorities. On the flipside, smothering children is not good for them either.

What my kids don’t get because I don’t have time: sun screen slathered on them every time they step out the door, their shoes and socks and coats all put on by mom (they figure it out), and hypervigilance over every bite at every meal (they learn, if you’re hungry eat, if you don’t eat, you’ll be hungry), or fussing over every sniffle.

Sometimes I feel guilty, but I have learned how competent even little children can be at caring for themselves, and how this acquired competence can lead to confident independence. I am also so glad I don’t worry over every little thing I hear some other mothers worrying over, I’d drive myself (and my children) crazy!

What my children do get because I make time: clean clothes (that they fold and put away), nutritious and homemade meals, a neat and organized home, a good education, lots of spirituality, and breastfed as babies.

One book I read that really helped me out was How to Really Love Your Child by Ross Campbell. He writes that it is important to give your children three things — focused attention, eye contact, and physical affection. I really try to make sure that each kid get some of this every day, and it’s easy to do, simply by giving some attention to the story of a bad dream they had or an interaction with a friend, looking them in the eye when they walk in a room and giving a smile, or offering little back rubs or running my fingers through their hair as I walk by.

I may not be at every soccer game, but I am at every bedside every night. I spend a few minutes with each child talking and praying and giving back scratches, eye contact and blessings. Even when I’d rather be done with it, I am committed to this time with my kids.

Another consideration is homeschooling. Homeschooling affords me hours and hours a day to be with my kids. If I were working and they were in daycare or school, I don’t know how I’d give even a couple of children they attention they need. Sometimes I wonder at what people are thinking, as it is often the same people who question about quality time in big families who have their kids in a classroom all day with 20 kids and 1 teacher. My adult/child ratio is much better than that!

Additionally, I have learned that it’s not all about me. It is not all about the attention I give my kids because they give a lot of attention to each other. Mothers are irreplaceable, but so is a house full of siblings who love you.

Two fabulous responses, and another book to add to my Wish List. Huge thanks to Ouiz and Hope! For more great insights be sure to check out their blogs Chez Ouiz (Ouiz) and Mothers of Many Saints (Hope).

MegaMom Interviews: How do you afford healthcare for so many people?

For this installment of the MegaMom Interviews, I’m going to post the answers that two of my lovely interviewees gave me to the same question.

This question may not be super exciting, but it’s very near and dear to my heart right now as I go to pay yet another stack of medical bills sitting on my desk in front of me. I asked:

Q: How do you afford healthcare for your family? We’re swamped with medical bills right now and we don’t even have half the number of children you do!

Ouiz’s response:

My husband has decent health insurance…not the greatest, but we pay one low fee for prescription drugs, which is a MAJOR God-send!

We live in a pretty small house (for the size family we have), so we are able to save some money every month, and that is what we use to pay our part of the birth expenses (and I have to have c-sections every time).

Milehimama‘s response:

We rarely have health insurance at all, except for the two years I was working — which really shows God’s providence, as my oldest was diagnosed with bipolar during the 12 months out of ten years of marriage that we had really good insurance! I was able to get all of the testing, counseling, second opinions, etc., we needed for a very reasonable fee. We decided to try medication that retails for $185 per 30 day supply, and got it for $30 co-pay. And, I lost the health insurance three weeks after we started nutritional therapy and didn’t need it so much anymore!

My husband works construction, and is often employed by 3-5 companies a year — we rarely qualify past the 90 or 180 day waiting period for new hires. Our insurance when Baby X was born this past April was a 50% co-pay — not so good!

However, almost all insurances cover well-baby and child checkups for free or a very reasonable cost. Delta Dental and other providers also offer free dental services to uninsured kids once or twice a year, no matter what income you have. County health departments also usually offer vaccines for free or low cost (most of my kids are not vaccinated, for reasons I discuss here).

Also, when you have lots of kids you get a feel for who needs to go the doctor and what can wait; many visits for childhood illnesses are “repeats” — and if Johnny had it when he was a baby, and Mary had it when she was a baby, you pretty much know the drill without a doctor’s visit.

I use the internet a lot too, especially WebMD and DrGreene.com I’ve also gotten quite an arsenal of home remedies at this point too!

Though this topic isn’t as exciting as the big questions of God’s will and the blessings of many children, this sort of nuts-and-bolts information is really helpful to those of us who are just starting down this road. Thank you so much to Ouiz and Milehimama!

MegaMom Interviews: "Children are never a mistake"

I’m delighted to share the latest installment of my series of email interviews with mothers of large families. This one is by Ouiz, who has the great blog Chez Ouiz, and is currently pregnant with baby #7.

Below is just one of the questions she was so kind to answer (I’m posting them one at a time). It’s the same one I asked Milehimama and Hope; I love hearing each mom’s unique story and thoughts on this issue, and it’s nice to have as many voices as possible to address the impression in our society that fewer children is always better.

Be sure to read the whole thing. I was wiping tears from my eyes after reading the story she relays at the end.

I asked:

Q: To paraphrase what so many people in our society would think about having so many children: Why? It would have been so much less expensive and less work and less strain to limit (or at least try to limit) your family to just two or three children. What would you say to that?

Her response:

My husband’s conversion to Catholicism required a lot of soul searching and prayer on his part and was hard won. After wrestling so hard with such issues as Church authority, he was certainly not going to turn away from the Catholic Church so soon afterward and say, “Well, you guys may be right about OTHER things, but in the area of family planning, we’ll do things our way…”

We never set out to have lots of kids. We simply decided to remain open, and allow the Lord to decide what we could handle.

It would be a lie to say that it has always been easy. There have been times when the sheer number of children, spaced so close together, has driven me to tears. Many days I have locked myself in the bathroom and said, “Dear Lord, I just can’t DO THIS!!!” And while He’s never answered me audibly on that one, His response has always been, “I know…but I can. Give this to Me and let Me give you the grace you need…”

And He does. Faithfully. Every single day.

When I am hounded on all sides by little ones who need something from me, I remember the crowds who clamored after Jesus — each demanding that their needs be met — and know that He understands.

When I look up in tears and beg for just a moment’s peace, I remember how He called His apostles to come away with Him and rest for a while…and He gives me the rest I need.

When I am surrounded by clutter…changing yet another diaper…cooking another meal…cleaning another spill…washing yet ANOTHER load of laundry…I remember that all of these are corporal works of mercy, and He is giving me one opportunity after another to grow in grace and virtue.

When I get strange looks in the stores, or feel that little jab in my gut when I see what others in my peer group have, I get discouraged. I take my eyes off of the Lord and have my own little private pity party… but that disappears when He gently nudges me and I really see the blessings I have.

I have 6 (with one on the way!) little ones who love me, who think Mommy hung the moon and the stars, who grab my face with sticky little fingers and say, “You awe da best Mommy in da whole wide wowld!”, who deeply love their siblings and take care of them in ways that just melt my heart…

How can anyone think that I am the one being cheated out of life here?

Secondly, even aside from Church teaching, I can’t imagine making that sort of decision — either permanently (through surgery) or just delaying it…and delaying it….and delaying it…through some sort of contraception. I would always have that nagging question in the back of my mind: “Who am I missing? What sort of child could I have had, if I had been open to the possibility?”

One final note: the receptionist at my OB office had two children, one boy and one girl. Tragically, her son died during an accident at college. Several months later I got pregnant again (I believe this was #5) and came in for the initial check up. As I was signing in she could see that I was a bit embarrassed being back AGAIN so soon, so she grabbed my hand and said something I will never forget:

“When I was younger, I had my two children close together. My husband wanted more, but I told him I was done, done, done, and if he wanted any more, HE would have to have ‘em! I had my tubes tied because I had my ‘million dollar family.’ One boy, one girl. Perfect.

“Now, I wish to God I could go back and change that. If I could, I would go back and have as many as the Lord would give me. It wouldn’t make my pain any less, but I see now that I robbed us of the joy that all those possible children could have brought us.

“So hold your head up high, and don’t ever let ANYONE tell you you are making a mistake. Children are NEVER a mistake.”

Thanks, Ouiz, for these beautiful thoughts!

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